A Monster…

I do not want to feel this way.  I hate myself for it.

I often wonder – what kind of person am I, to be sad for myself when I should be happy for others?

But the jealousy claws at me.  It shreds my insides trying to get out, trying to show itself behind the mask of a smile and the cheerful congratulations. 

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

The jealousy is a monster.  A stupid green-eyed little monster that crouches inside me at all times, waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce and be released.

And, he is getting stronger.

With every announced pregnancy, he gains strength against me. I constantly battle him – my insides are raw from his battle to burst forth unwelcome.

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

My husband asks, “What can I do to make you happy?  You are always so sad.”

But I am happy.   I am.  I am blessed – with a wonderful husband, a great family, friends I can count on, a good job, a beautiful home.  I am happy.

But there are moments when the jealousy peeks out.  He finds a foothold to climb out. 

I want just one more thing.  Something I’ve been promised – but have been asked to wait a little longer for…

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

Patience has never been a strong suit of mine, but I am willing to wait for this one thing.  This child of mine who will come when he or she is ready – when we are ready… I can wait. 

The jealousy taunts me – ‘You are a fool,” he says.  “You cannot wait.”

”I can wait – I can enjoy the moments now,” I scream back.

But he is clawing at me, taunting me.  And, his ugly head peeks out again – and my smile fades and tears roll down my cheeks.

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

This post is inspired by The Red Dress Club promt: Write about jealousy… Ending my self-imposed silence on the subject. Hop over to read some wonderful posts…

And, as always, constructive critisicm is welcome.. :)

Attempting to teach me patience…

When AMP and I first started dating and we talked about all those important issues that couples should talk about – we were both on board with the idea of no kids.  I don’t know how I managed to convince myself that I would be okay with having no kids – since I’ve always been drawn to babies and kids – but nevertheless, we agreed on no children. 

After we got married, my viewpoint started to change – and I told AMP.  He took it remarkably well, but was still reluctant.

I, on the other hand, have developed a steadily worsening obsession – baby fever – wanting a baby beyond any logical reason.  It doesn’t matter that we’re in debt, or that we in no way can afford the house and having a baby until we’re out of debt (or at least less in debt than we are now!).  I want a baby.  And AMP is saying no.

Except, we went from no to let’s talk about it in 5 years.  And then, the other day, when we were laying in bed and I tentatively broached the subject again, he said we could start trying in the spring of 2012 – with the hopes of a January baby in 2013. 

And, while I am immensely grateful that there is progress – and now a date to look forward to, I still wish it was sooner.  But, my dear husband is determined to teach me patience – and well, this gives me a whole year and three months to get my body and health in the best shape possible to handle a pregnancy – to give us more time to try and pay off our debt so I can stay at home with the baby for as long as possible without returning to work, to give us a little more time as a couple to build and strengthen our marriage – and all that sounds like important steps before a baby. 

So, I will work on my patience – and focus on our relationship, my health and well-being, and to extracting ourselves from as much debt as possible – and sooner than I think the time will be here – because waiting is so much easier when you have something else to focus on…

And plus, I’m determined to prove that I can be patient! :) 

By Doug Savage, at savagechickens.com

Simple

It sounds simple – do not be jealous of others, appreciate what you have.

But it’s not. 

I do appreciate what I have.  I have a wonderful husband who loves me very much who would do almost anything for me.  I have a loving (if crazy) family.  I have close friends who I can talk to anytime.  I have a beautiful house.  I have a decent job that pays well.  I have 2 absolutely gorgeous nieces who I love to pieces.  I have a strong faith in God and a great hope for the future. 

So the statement ‘do not be jealous’ or even ‘do not covet’ should be easy, no?

You’d think so.

But, I’ve always struggled with jealousy.  It’s the proverbial green-eyed monster sitting on my shoulder, taunting me.  And I’m struggling right now. 

I’m happy for my friends (both in real life and in the blogging world) that have recently announced their pregnancies and/or births of their beautiful tiny babies, or their intentions to create beautiful tiny babies.  Really, I am.  But, I’m also jealous.

I’m jealous that I can’t get AMP on board with the idea.  I know his points against getting pregnant right now are valid – frustratingly so.  But still, I wish it was as simple as me saying, “Let’s have a baby.” And him jumping for joy and saying, “Yes, let’s!” 

But, it’s not that simple.

At least, not for me, not for us. 

And so I will struggle with my jealousy – burying it under smiles and giggles and repeating my mantra: that jealousy is unbecoming.  And remembering that one day I may get what I want, even if the road leading to it wasn’t as simple as I wished.

This post is inspired, in part, by Mama Kat’s Writing Workshop.  Click over here to find other entries. :)

 

the puppy promise

Image via Wikipedia

This morning, AMP asked me if I want to get a puppy.  The question came out of nowhere, and seeing as he’d been resisting the idea whenever I’d mentioned it, arose some suspicion.  He reminded me that he had promised that once I seriously started asking for a baby, he’d get me a puppy. 

I feel bad for him.  He’d do anything to make me happy, but he doesn’t want a baby right now.  He told me he’s so sad because he does want us to have a child together (something he said he didn’t want a few years ago), but he doesn’t want to have one now.  He has good arguments – he wants more time just us, he wants to be emotionally ready, he wants to be a little more financially secure…

When I said that I’m not sure if I really want a puppy, that I don’t think a puppy will cure me, he asked why we can’t just agree to have a baby in 4 years, when I’m 29 and he’s 35. 

My arguments are:
I want to be younger, my body better equipped to handle a pregnancy.  My mother had really hard pregnancies, and she was only 21 and 24.  If I’m genetically disposed to be like her, it’ll be harder for me the older I get.

Also, I want my child to have the same experience I had, of having cousins close in age to grow up with, especially if we’re only going to have one child.  Principessa’s husband wants them to have a second child, and Principessa and I would love for us to have one child be the same age.  The problem with that is, they don’t want their children to be more than 3-and-a-half years apart, and well, Mini-Principessa is already 2-and-a-half years old. 

So that’s impossible.  Sure, my brother J and his wife might have kids, but knowing how baby obsessed S is, I bet it’ll be sooner rather than later.

So, if I waited till I was 29, Mini-Principessa would be 6, which would make her 8 by the time my child is a toddler… and that puts them in completely different generations.

But, as AMP says, we can’t have a baby just because our friends are having a baby.  I wish I could shelve these feelings, lock them away.

Either way one of us is going to be unhappy… and as much as it kills me, I’d rather it be me… After all, it would kill me more to have AMP be anything but overjoyed when, and if, I ever get to tell him I’m pregnant.

I promise to take a break from all the depressing baby posts… I just needed to vent.  On to happy thoughts…

the downside of being married to an accountant

I think I have to stop wanting a kid.  It seems like in order for me to have a kid, I’d have to give up a lot – even more than just privacy and sleeping in and free time.  I’d have to either give up owning a house and go back to renting, or I’d have to move 4 hours away from all my family and friends, right when I’d need them the most.

I’m in a “life is unfair” stomp-my-feet, crying kind of mood.  It doesn’t seem fair that it has to be that kind of choice.  The rest of the world (or a good number of them) makes it on one salary, owning a house, and having children – why can’t I? I’d even be willing to work, if it was from home, like watching another child, or running a daycare, or do bookkeeping from home.  I just want to have my life the same – living 10 minutes away from my best friend, from my parents, and various other relatives and friends.  I don’t want to move.  I don’t even want to wait the 3 years AMP wants to wait, making me 28 and him 34.  But, then to have to wait longer than I want, and to have to give up so much – I’m not sure I can handle that. 

But that’s the downside to marrying an accountant – I should have realized that when I got married and he started making budget Excel sheets, and asking me to keep all my receipts for them to be entered – but alas, by then it was too late.  I know we have some debt – and I know that it’ll probably take another few years to pay it off.  But, I don’t see why, once it’s paid off, we couldn’t manage to live somewhat comfortably and still have a baby.  One teeny tiny little baby…

Not that I’m trying to be unfair to my husband… I can see his points, and I know he likes to plan, so I can understand where he’s coming from.  It’s not him I’m upset with – it’s life in general… The fact that houses in our area are expensive, that we bought a house that is a little too small for having kids and buying a bigger house is not something we can afford, or will be able to afford in the forseeable future. 

So, maybe I’ll just have to go back to being the woman who cries when no one is looking, who gets sad whenever she sees a pregnant woman, and who will always have that ‘one’ child she lost – the day of its loss and the day it should have been born forever etched into her memory with nothing to supplant it.

missing therapy

I’m still alive!  I feel like I’ve been gone forever.  The past couple weeks I’ve spent holed up at the office at the receptionist desk, working full-time instead of my normal part-time routine, and have not been able to write or check on any of my favorite blogs, or respond to any of the comments left for me.  I apologize dearly.

It’s funny what abstaining from writing does to my mood.  It’s been atrocious lately.  I haven’t had my outlet to vent, de-stress..  I feel bad for my poor husband, he doesn’t know what to do or say anymore.  He keeps asking me what’s wrong, what he can do… But, I don’t even know what’s wrong with me.  I feel…. down.  The littlest things make me cry.  And stupid things irritate me more than they should…  And I can’t always whine to AMP about them… He’s sensitive when I complain about his brother – who is driving me absolutely up the wall, as usual.  He’s always in the way.. His laptop is broken - so he’s spent all his time on the only other computer in the house (which is another reason I haven’t posted).  Then, tonight, just as AMP and I were going to watch a movie, he decides he’s going to switch to playing video games on the TV.  But, of course, I’m just being bitchy.  I’m a horrendous sister-in-law.  I’m mean.  I’m selfish.  I’m grumpy. 

In reality, I’m just exhausted.  I’m exhausted from getting up early every morning for the past 2 weeks and working all day doing one of my least favorite things, answering phones.  I’m exhausted from being sad – about the miscarriage, about all the pregnant people around me, about this ridiculous obsession desire to have a baby.  I’m tired of having my brother-in-law live with us.   I’m tired of having allergies and headaches.  I’m tired of renovating.  I’m tired of my inability to get to the gym – to be able to look the way I want.  I’m tired of being such a disorganized mess.  I’m tired of not being the perfect wife I want to be.  I’m tired of being the terrible daughter and sister – the one slowly being replaced by the new sister-in-law to be.  I’m tired of being grumpy.  I’m just tired.

I wish this was the kind of tired that I could just sleep off.  Go to bed tonight and sleep in till noon tomorrow, and wake up and be better – happier, less down.  I wish I could do it for AMP, because I’m tired of my mood making him sad.  Hopefully I snap out of this soon..  At the very least, I promise to make the next posts upbeat.. I just needed a moment…

“but it’s different when it’s your life…”

All You Did Was Save My Life by Our Lady Peace is my new ‘on repeat’ song.  

It makes me think of the internal battle of wanting a child I’m facing.  I’m sure millions of women go through it.  I’m sure millions of men are just as adamant as A that they don’t want children (or at least not right now!).  I read it in blogs I follow or in magazine articles.  I read how you should discuss this before you get married and so on.

But we did discuss it before we got married.  I was just as adamant as A that I didn’t want to have kids.  I can’t believe I succeeded in fooling myself.  I love kids.  I do.  And maybe at 21, I didn’t think I’d ever be ready to have one, but as I near the dreaded quarter-of-a-century mark, I can’t get rid of this desire.

A suggested we move, to get away from all the babies.  I don’t understand how he thinks that could solve it.  There’ll still be babies everywhere.  In the supermarket, in the mall, on TV.  And then, what are we going to do when my cousins start having more babies?  Perhaps if we move into a bubble?! 

I wish I could switch this off, but I can’t.  It’s obsessive.  It’s not like my fleeting desire to have a puppy everytime I see an adorable one walking down the street.  That goes away in about 10 mins.  This haunts me even when I’m alone, when there are no babies around.  This haunts me at night and in the mornings, when nothing should make me think of a baby.  I gravitate towards books with baby themes, mommy blogs… Even if I cut that all out, should I cut out my favorite shows as well?  Last night we watched the episode of “The Office” where Pam has her baby.  At the scene outside the hospital, I almost burst into tears, but managed to someone hide it from A.  I don’t understand this.  I want it to be gone.

Green-Eyed Monster

I’m jealous.  Jealous of all these other people having babies.  Jealous of the young ones with their firsts, and the others who are on their second, or even third children (anything after 3 seems a little crazy to me!). 

I want to be a mommy too.  I want to have a little being grow inside me.  I want to feel it move and kick.  I want to cuddle it when it’s born.  I want to watch it grow from newborn to baby to toddler to preschooler and so forth. 

The desire seems to be getting stronger.  Perhaps because everyone seems to be getting pregnant.  But I’m destined for disappointment.  A will never agree to this. 

So, I’ll just bottle up these feelings and keep pretending that children are the furthest thing from my mind.. in the meantime I’m pretty sure this jealousy, this envy and desire is going to gobble me up inside.