The next person that…

tells me that I shouldn’t have kids is going to really get a piece of my mind.

WARNING: RANT AHEAD!

It’s hard for me to explain the situations exactly without giving a lot of details – but briefly… I’ve had a few people in the last week or two, who have no relation to me nor who would be affected by my decision, tell me not to have children.

Most of the people are a bit older and have children themselves.  One or two, don’t.

Usually I’m annoyed but able to brush off the comments, but maybe because we’re planning to begin trying in April, it’s starting to get under my skin. 

I am a very opinionated person, but I don’t try to shove my opinions down other people’s throats.  Especially when it comes to personal decisions.

And, people?  Two people having a child is a personal decision that involves that couple.  It’s not something that needs to be up for public debate. 

Nor should people make blanket statements to others under the guise of ‘well, I’m just trying to give them advice.’ 

To me advice is, “Before you make the decision, think about how expensive it is to raise  a child in this economy.”  Those kind of comments I can appreciate.  After all, they are valid points that people who are considering starting a family should seriously think about.  But to point blank tell a person not to have children? 

Sorry, but that’s not advice, and I don’t have to take it.

The father of my future children..

Image by jillhudgins via Flickr — kind of what my tank looks like.

We have a 100 gallon salt water tank which is my husband’s ‘baby’.  We jokingly refer to the fish as our children – you know the kind that stay perfectly contained in their space and don’t scream or cry or cause any ruckus… So completely fictional type of children.  We know that children will be nothing like having fish… Or at least I thought we did.  This conversation with AMP raised a few suspicions the other day.

We’re in the middle of renovating the basement, and have finally come to the part where we can pick paint colors.  As I’m flipping through flyers from the hardware store, I notice a sale on outdoor paint.  Our porch railings could use a coat of paint, because a lot has chipped off with the endless rain.

Me:     We should get some of this paint.
AMP:  For the basement?!
Me:     No, for the porch… Or are we not going to do it this year?
AMP: We’ll see how the basement goes.  Painting the porch can be something you do while on maternity leave.
Me:    Um.. you expect me to paint the porch while having a newborn?
AMP: Yea, well you can just leave the baby inside.
Me:    Clearly you know nothing about newborns love.
AMP: Yea, just put them in a crib or something and they can just wander around that – like when we get a new fish and we put it in a quarantine tank for a while.  Why else is do you buy a crib?  (Silence)   What are you doing?
Me:   Getting paper to write this down…I’ve been needing a blog post idea.

Ladies, I introduce the father of my future children…

Remind me not to leave him alone with the kid till the child is at least 3 or maybe 12.

Sidelines, part I

I have two “sidelines” posts in my drafts – waiting for me to sift through the words and edit them.  While not the same, they are different parts of each other – of my personality.  Here is part one. 

Sidelines, part I

When I was a little kid I used to love being on the sidelines – watching but not actively participating.  It was so easy.  So stress free. 
I knew that if I wanted to, I could jump in anytime.  But, I was content where I was. 

I was content. 

I realize lately that being on the sidelines requires a lot of waiting around, a lot of patience.  Patience is a quality I already have in short supply.  I don’t know when I started to become less patient; perhaps with the onset of adolescence?  It seems like around then I had lost my patience, and gained envy.

I found cards my ex wrote me.  I was 17 at the time and a couple of the cards made reference to my lack of patience, where he decided to remind me that ‘patience is a virtue.’  Even though his next sentence was, “I know how much you hate that saying.”  Guess I don’t need reminders of why I dumped him…

Anyways, back to the topic at hand…

When I realized that I couldn’t jump in anytime, I started to hate the sidelines, and became envious – envious of ones in relationships, envious of friends and cousins getting engaged and getting married.  Five cousins got married before me, two of them younger than me.  When AMP and I were dating, we were ones of the last in our social group to get married, though we were older and in some cases, together longer.  

And, I began to feel the pangs of impatience and envy.

Then we got married, and all was right in the world. 

Right?

No, because then came babies.

And, for a while I was content to sit on the sidelines.  I didn’t even think I wanted a kid at all. 

And then, Mini-Principessa was born. 

And, I fell in love, hard.  I wanted my own little one.  I wanted to be a mommy.  I wanted to see AMP and myself in our own little person we could raise and love.

But, I couldn’t just jump in. 

Because, it’s not all about me; it’s not just my decision because it will change both our lives dramatically. 

So, I’m on the sidelines…waiting.  And everyday I hear of someone else getting pregnant.  And I’m jealous and envious over here on the sidelines. 

Waiting.  Waiting for when I can jump in and join.

I’m not good at waiting.

And, I still hate being told ‘Patience is a virtue.’ 

Patience sucks!

Remember this post? Only six short days ago, and I’m already here to tell you that patience sucks.

I know, I know.  It’s only been six days and I can’t learn patience fast – but I think I’m having a bit of an emotional breakdown.

My best friend, Principessa, is pregnant.  She just found out yesterday.  And, being in best-friend status, I found out yesterday… And, well… I’m sooo happy for them – but I’m also sooo jealous. 

I want a baby so badly.  And, I can’t have one.  Not right now.  And, as much as AMP says in a year and a few months we can get pregnant – I can’t honestly see us being out of debt by then – in which case, having a baby will mean making the choice to sell the house and move hours away from my friends and family… And I don’t know if I’m ok with that.

And, jealousy – it’s so unbecoming.

I’m tired of crying all the time.  I’m tired of wanting a baby so badly it hurts…

I’m so tired.

what if Prince Charming was a prick

I’m married to a comic book fanatic.  Seriously.  The room I’m sitting in has two bookshelves stuffed with comics.  Only 2 bookshelves, you may ask?  Well, those are the trade paperbacks.  Our garage contains over 30 boxes packed full of individual comics.  I like reading comics too, and my favorite is a series called Fables.  It explores the ‘after’ in the lives of fairy tale characters, such as Snow White, Big Bad Wolf, Cinderella, Prince Charming, and so on.  Or something to that effect.  It’s kind of hard to explain.  But, in this series Prince Charming is a philandering thrice-married adulterer. 

I never really thought about it.  But, Prince Charming did marry both Cinderella and Snow White…

My point, you may ask?  

Fairy tales suck.  Do you know what my favorite children story is?  The Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch.  If you’ve never read it, you should.  In it Princess Elizabeth rescues Prince Ronald from the fire-breathing dragon who carried him away… and the thanks she gets?  Dear Prince Ronald tells her to ‘clean up’ and come back when she looks like a real princess!  She rescues his sorry little self, and he has the guts to comment on her appearance at the time?!  My favorite part is the last page of the book… “You look like a real prince, but you are a bum!”  And they didn’t get married after all. 

Why is this my favorite book?  Because it’s real, minus the fire-breathing dragon of course.  Prince Charming doesn’t exist in the form found in Cinderella or Snow White.  He exists only as a philandering prick. 

Not to say there aren’t wonderful men out there.  There are.  I’m married to one.  He’s amazing and loves me more than anything.  But that doesn’t mean he’s Prince Charming.    He hasn’t found my glass slipper and returned it to me, rescuing me from a wicked stepmother.  Nor has he serenaded me at a well and kissed me awake from an enchanted sleep.  We fight.  We say things we shouldn’t, and do things we shouldn’t.  But, it’s real and it’s perfect in its own way.  A would always win against Prince Charming.

But the world is setting up children for disappointment.  They are taught to believe in Prince Charming in his glorified, idolized form, and they spend their whole life looking for him.  They reject the wonderful men, because he isn’t Prince Charming… And they are crushed when they think they finally found Prince Charming, and only then realize he’s the very one they should have run away from.

If I ever have a daughter, she may grow up with the Disney princess stories, but she will know The Paper Bag Princess by heart, and she will know that appearances can be deceiving.

Green-Eyed Monster

I’m jealous.  Jealous of all these other people having babies.  Jealous of the young ones with their firsts, and the others who are on their second, or even third children (anything after 3 seems a little crazy to me!). 

I want to be a mommy too.  I want to have a little being grow inside me.  I want to feel it move and kick.  I want to cuddle it when it’s born.  I want to watch it grow from newborn to baby to toddler to preschooler and so forth. 

The desire seems to be getting stronger.  Perhaps because everyone seems to be getting pregnant.  But I’m destined for disappointment.  A will never agree to this. 

So, I’ll just bottle up these feelings and keep pretending that children are the furthest thing from my mind.. in the meantime I’m pretty sure this jealousy, this envy and desire is going to gobble me up inside.