Separation-Anxiety

My husband is dying for a new job, and honestly, I don’t blame him.  For the past few months, his job has become more and more stressful and I’m starting to worry about his health.  He comes home after a 10 hours of frustration and is a ball of anxiety and grumpiness for most of the evening.  By the time he’s unwound a bit, it’s time to go to bed.

For that reason, I’m being very supportive of his decision to start searching for a new job.  He’s handed over his resume to a recruitment agency, and I’ve been scouring the ‘wanted’ ads for something hopefully close to home and within his desired price range.

Yesterday, he texts me to tell me he’s got a call from a competing company offering him a job.  Its $40k more a year than he makes now… plus moving expenses.  The catch?  It’s a 14-hour drive from where we currently live – and it’s in the middle of nowhere. 

I don’t think I could do it.  To be 14-hours away from my family?  From my friends?  From my nieces and future nephew?  I’d be in a depressive funk within weeks.

Maybe if it was a temporary contract – say a year.  Maybe even two years I could survive as long as I could fly out and see my family once a month for a week.  But, a permanent job in the middle of nowhere?  I don’t think so.

The offer is so tempting though.  With the sale of our house and having all our expenses paid for us, we would be able to get out of debt instantly and have a nice little savings account.  No debt and money for a down-payment on a home where we live.  Money to travel.  Money to do all the things we want to do in the next year or two before we have children.  It’s so tempting.  But, is it worth my mental sanity?  I’m pretty attached to my family… to the thrice-weekly visits with my parents.  Could I survive being so far away?  I know lots of people do it, but I’m not sure I can.

Sometimes I wish I was more adventurous.  That I was willing to take risks.  That I wasn’t such a coward. 

Yes I can!

Image from www.yesicanproject.org

I feel like a failure… Again.

I’m full of goals, ideas, resolutions.. I’m brimming with hope for the thought of what is going to be…

But what am I doing for it now?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

January is almost gone and I have not made it to the gym even once.  I have not figured out a way to make extra money or to pay down more debt.  I have not organized the house.  I have not avoided junk food like the plague.  I have not blogged more.

I have failed.

And it is beginning to depress me.

But, I can’t let it do that.  I need to change my attitude.  To leave the past in the past and to look forward from today.  To say “Yes I can!” 

I can become healthier.

I can lose weight and have the body I want.

I can pay down debt.

I can write more.

I can reach my goals.

Because, the thing is, if I don’t think “Yes I can” I definitely won’t.

This post inspired by Writing Workshop at Sleep is for the Weak.

Patience sucks!

Remember this post? Only six short days ago, and I’m already here to tell you that patience sucks.

I know, I know.  It’s only been six days and I can’t learn patience fast – but I think I’m having a bit of an emotional breakdown.

My best friend, Principessa, is pregnant.  She just found out yesterday.  And, being in best-friend status, I found out yesterday… And, well… I’m sooo happy for them – but I’m also sooo jealous. 

I want a baby so badly.  And, I can’t have one.  Not right now.  And, as much as AMP says in a year and a few months we can get pregnant – I can’t honestly see us being out of debt by then – in which case, having a baby will mean making the choice to sell the house and move hours away from my friends and family… And I don’t know if I’m ok with that.

And, jealousy – it’s so unbecoming.

I’m tired of crying all the time.  I’m tired of wanting a baby so badly it hurts…

I’m so tired.

Attempting to teach me patience…

When AMP and I first started dating and we talked about all those important issues that couples should talk about – we were both on board with the idea of no kids.  I don’t know how I managed to convince myself that I would be okay with having no kids – since I’ve always been drawn to babies and kids – but nevertheless, we agreed on no children. 

After we got married, my viewpoint started to change – and I told AMP.  He took it remarkably well, but was still reluctant.

I, on the other hand, have developed a steadily worsening obsession – baby fever – wanting a baby beyond any logical reason.  It doesn’t matter that we’re in debt, or that we in no way can afford the house and having a baby until we’re out of debt (or at least less in debt than we are now!).  I want a baby.  And AMP is saying no.

Except, we went from no to let’s talk about it in 5 years.  And then, the other day, when we were laying in bed and I tentatively broached the subject again, he said we could start trying in the spring of 2012 – with the hopes of a January baby in 2013. 

And, while I am immensely grateful that there is progress – and now a date to look forward to, I still wish it was sooner.  But, my dear husband is determined to teach me patience – and well, this gives me a whole year and three months to get my body and health in the best shape possible to handle a pregnancy – to give us more time to try and pay off our debt so I can stay at home with the baby for as long as possible without returning to work, to give us a little more time as a couple to build and strengthen our marriage – and all that sounds like important steps before a baby. 

So, I will work on my patience – and focus on our relationship, my health and well-being, and to extracting ourselves from as much debt as possible – and sooner than I think the time will be here – because waiting is so much easier when you have something else to focus on…

And plus, I’m determined to prove that I can be patient! :) 

By Doug Savage, at savagechickens.com

Change

I’ve written and re-written this post a dozen times.  I just can’t seem to get the right thought across.

I’m not a fan of change.  In fact, I fear change.  Even when I’m absolutely positively sure I want something, I’ll talk myself out of it, while hyperventilating at the thought of the havoc it would wreak on my current life.  Like getting a puppy – I say I want one, but in reality, I’m not sure I could handle a puppy.

So, what makes me think I can handle a baby?  And why is it that, even though having a baby is the most all-consumingly life changing decision we could ever make, it does not send me looking for a paper bag to breathe in?

I like my life.  I like the pattern of my days, but I want a baby.  Perhaps it’s part of the quarter-life crisis?  But it’s one change in my life I feel ready to make, emotionally.

Am I ready in any other way?  Probably not. 

While there are only really two things in my life I would currently change, they are both important factors when it comes to having a baby.  The basement has to be done, that’s non-negotiable.  And, at the rate it’s going, we’ll be lucky if it’s done even by the end of this year.

And, we need to be out of debt.  And, it’s not happening any time soon.  Actually the past two months we’ve managed to get ourselves further in debt by buying anniversary presents for parents, AMP’s school & certification fees, and well, the basement.

And, well, AMP needs to be on board, which might happen if those two other conditions were met.

So, we’re not ready for this life-change. 

But, I am.

 I am finally ready for the biggest change in my life ever, and the one change I don’t want to run away from, is the one I worry will never happen.

the downside of being married to an accountant

I think I have to stop wanting a kid.  It seems like in order for me to have a kid, I’d have to give up a lot – even more than just privacy and sleeping in and free time.  I’d have to either give up owning a house and go back to renting, or I’d have to move 4 hours away from all my family and friends, right when I’d need them the most.

I’m in a “life is unfair” stomp-my-feet, crying kind of mood.  It doesn’t seem fair that it has to be that kind of choice.  The rest of the world (or a good number of them) makes it on one salary, owning a house, and having children – why can’t I? I’d even be willing to work, if it was from home, like watching another child, or running a daycare, or do bookkeeping from home.  I just want to have my life the same – living 10 minutes away from my best friend, from my parents, and various other relatives and friends.  I don’t want to move.  I don’t even want to wait the 3 years AMP wants to wait, making me 28 and him 34.  But, then to have to wait longer than I want, and to have to give up so much – I’m not sure I can handle that. 

But that’s the downside to marrying an accountant – I should have realized that when I got married and he started making budget Excel sheets, and asking me to keep all my receipts for them to be entered – but alas, by then it was too late.  I know we have some debt – and I know that it’ll probably take another few years to pay it off.  But, I don’t see why, once it’s paid off, we couldn’t manage to live somewhat comfortably and still have a baby.  One teeny tiny little baby…

Not that I’m trying to be unfair to my husband… I can see his points, and I know he likes to plan, so I can understand where he’s coming from.  It’s not him I’m upset with – it’s life in general… The fact that houses in our area are expensive, that we bought a house that is a little too small for having kids and buying a bigger house is not something we can afford, or will be able to afford in the forseeable future. 

So, maybe I’ll just have to go back to being the woman who cries when no one is looking, who gets sad whenever she sees a pregnant woman, and who will always have that ‘one’ child she lost – the day of its loss and the day it should have been born forever etched into her memory with nothing to supplant it.