A Monster…

I do not want to feel this way.  I hate myself for it.

I often wonder – what kind of person am I, to be sad for myself when I should be happy for others?

But the jealousy claws at me.  It shreds my insides trying to get out, trying to show itself behind the mask of a smile and the cheerful congratulations. 

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

The jealousy is a monster.  A stupid green-eyed little monster that crouches inside me at all times, waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce and be released.

And, he is getting stronger.

With every announced pregnancy, he gains strength against me. I constantly battle him – my insides are raw from his battle to burst forth unwelcome.

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

My husband asks, “What can I do to make you happy?  You are always so sad.”

But I am happy.   I am.  I am blessed – with a wonderful husband, a great family, friends I can count on, a good job, a beautiful home.  I am happy.

But there are moments when the jealousy peeks out.  He finds a foothold to climb out. 

I want just one more thing.  Something I’ve been promised – but have been asked to wait a little longer for…

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

Patience has never been a strong suit of mine, but I am willing to wait for this one thing.  This child of mine who will come when he or she is ready – when we are ready… I can wait. 

The jealousy taunts me – ‘You are a fool,” he says.  “You cannot wait.”

”I can wait – I can enjoy the moments now,” I scream back.

But he is clawing at me, taunting me.  And, his ugly head peeks out again – and my smile fades and tears roll down my cheeks.

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

This post is inspired by The Red Dress Club promt: Write about jealousy… Ending my self-imposed silence on the subject. Hop over to read some wonderful posts…

And, as always, constructive critisicm is welcome.. :)

Sidelines, part I

I have two “sidelines” posts in my drafts – waiting for me to sift through the words and edit them.  While not the same, they are different parts of each other – of my personality.  Here is part one. 

Sidelines, part I

When I was a little kid I used to love being on the sidelines – watching but not actively participating.  It was so easy.  So stress free. 
I knew that if I wanted to, I could jump in anytime.  But, I was content where I was. 

I was content. 

I realize lately that being on the sidelines requires a lot of waiting around, a lot of patience.  Patience is a quality I already have in short supply.  I don’t know when I started to become less patient; perhaps with the onset of adolescence?  It seems like around then I had lost my patience, and gained envy.

I found cards my ex wrote me.  I was 17 at the time and a couple of the cards made reference to my lack of patience, where he decided to remind me that ‘patience is a virtue.’  Even though his next sentence was, “I know how much you hate that saying.”  Guess I don’t need reminders of why I dumped him…

Anyways, back to the topic at hand…

When I realized that I couldn’t jump in anytime, I started to hate the sidelines, and became envious – envious of ones in relationships, envious of friends and cousins getting engaged and getting married.  Five cousins got married before me, two of them younger than me.  When AMP and I were dating, we were ones of the last in our social group to get married, though we were older and in some cases, together longer.  

And, I began to feel the pangs of impatience and envy.

Then we got married, and all was right in the world. 

Right?

No, because then came babies.

And, for a while I was content to sit on the sidelines.  I didn’t even think I wanted a kid at all. 

And then, Mini-Principessa was born. 

And, I fell in love, hard.  I wanted my own little one.  I wanted to be a mommy.  I wanted to see AMP and myself in our own little person we could raise and love.

But, I couldn’t just jump in. 

Because, it’s not all about me; it’s not just my decision because it will change both our lives dramatically. 

So, I’m on the sidelines…waiting.  And everyday I hear of someone else getting pregnant.  And I’m jealous and envious over here on the sidelines. 

Waiting.  Waiting for when I can jump in and join.

I’m not good at waiting.

And, I still hate being told ‘Patience is a virtue.’ 

Guilt & Jealousy & Happiness & Thank Yous

In nine very short days we will have reached the end of 2010 and the beginning of 2011.  I can’t believe how fast this year has flown by – and what a hard year it’s been.  I’ve really struggled this year – emotionally.  The other night, I asked AMP if I could just hibernate for a while – hide away from everyone and everything – pretend we’re away on vacation if anyone comes looking.  I’m not sure he’s going for it.

I think I’ve overwhelmed him.  On the weekend, I broke down and confessed all my frustrations with him – the worry about the debt, my feelings of inadequacy in many areas of life, my obsession with having a baby – everything.  I’d been bottling it up because I didn’t want to make him feel bad, or guilty, about not being able to give me what I want right now.  But, I reached a breaking point, and it all came tumbling out.  And, I felt better momentarily, but sure enough, the feelings of guilt surrounded me. 

And, this was even before Principessa told me she’s pregnant. 

I read an article a little while ago that claimed that we can’t ever truly be happy for other people because human nature dictates that if someone is doing better than us, we will become jealous.  Being the reluctant owner of a jealous personality – I thought maybe it’s true.  But, I realized it’s not.  I’m truly happy for Principessa and all my other friends, blogging and real-life who are expecting or are planning on starting to try or have welcomed a little one in their lives.  I am happy for them.  I am excited to meet my new little niece or nephew – to watch how Mini-Principessa adapts to being a big sister…

My desire to have that for myself (I was looking for a nicer way of saying jealousy!), doesn’t negate my happiness for others.  I am still happy for them.  I am just sad for me. 

I’m not sure if that even makes any sense…

But, I am truly grateful for this little space in the blogesphere where I can come to laugh or cry – where I’ve found a group of supportive women who write words that make me smile when I am down.

Next year, I promise to try and be more upbeat – but in the meantime, I wanted to thank all of you who come by and read my thoughts and take a moment to let me know I’m not alone and that you care.  I’m not sure what I would do without your encouragement.

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday.

“I am not”

She smiles, she laughes.  She dances along with the rest of the crowd.  She eats her share, she drinks her share – and the world sees nothing else.

“I’m not jealous,” she says.

“You are,” her heart aruges.

“I am not jealous nor envious,” she firmly repeats.

Her heart stares back mutely.

“I am not jealous of their happiness.  I am happy. 

I am not envious they have what I want.  I will have it one day. 

I am not jealous of their position.  I am happy. 

I am not envious of their freedom.  I will have it one day. 

I am not jealous of their lives.  I am happy. 

I am not envious of their blissful state.  I will have it one day.”

Her heart stares wordlessly.

“I am not jealous nor envious,” she screams, stomping her feet like an irritable toddler.

Her heart stares mutely.

“I am not jealous nor envious,” she whispers, a single despondent tear streaming down her face.  “I am not.”

Green-Eyed Monster

I’m jealous.  Jealous of all these other people having babies.  Jealous of the young ones with their firsts, and the others who are on their second, or even third children (anything after 3 seems a little crazy to me!). 

I want to be a mommy too.  I want to have a little being grow inside me.  I want to feel it move and kick.  I want to cuddle it when it’s born.  I want to watch it grow from newborn to baby to toddler to preschooler and so forth. 

The desire seems to be getting stronger.  Perhaps because everyone seems to be getting pregnant.  But I’m destined for disappointment.  A will never agree to this. 

So, I’ll just bottle up these feelings and keep pretending that children are the furthest thing from my mind.. in the meantime I’m pretty sure this jealousy, this envy and desire is going to gobble me up inside.