Trying again…

Anyone who has been following me for a while knows that I’ve spent the past couple years talking about losing weight.  When I started, I was whining talking about it, I was at around 148 lbs.  My goal was 125. 

Since that time, I’ve lost a total of 9 lbs – and kept it off (mostly).  Which is great.. But, that means I still have 14 lbs to lose.

We shelled out almost $50/each a month for a year and a half for a gym membership that we barely used.  Not completely because I lacked motivation – but mostly a time factor.  With one car, it was hard to make time to get to the gym – and with our different schedules (and sleep needs) going together never seemed to work.

That membership lapsed at the end of last month – and we didn’t renew it.  I considered going back to my women’s only gym which would cost me about $25 a month – but since we still have one car – I don’t see how the time issue is going to change at all. 

So, I decided to buy myself an ellitptical.  I found one on Craiglist (love Craiglist) for about $850 less than I wouild pay in the store – used but in great condition.. After testing it out, I told the lady that I was going to take it and we pick it up tonight!  I’m so excited to be able to do cardio in the comfort of my own home.  I’ve never been so excited about something fitness related. 

I’m hoping we can get it set up tonight, and starting from tomorrow I can put myself on some sort of realistic workout schedule.  That along with a little more tweaking to my eating habits.. maybe I can be down 10 lbs by June – which is an attainable 1 lb a week.  And if not, maybe at least I look more toned before summer gets here — even if I still weigh exactly the same!

Uggh..

Not an eloquent title, but that’s how I’m feeling right now.

I’m not going to bother doing measurements and all that for February 1st – because, well, January sucked.

I didn’t lose any weight.

Actually, I managed to gain 2 freaking pounds.

Which is all, is not surprising since I didn’t even make it to the gym once in all of January – nor did I stop eating junk food.

And, I’ve been feeling pretty crappy all month.. I think I’m going to make a doctor’s appointment to get a physical done – because this whole being nauseous all the time, no period, but negative pregnancy tests, can’t really be all normal.

I did manage to make it to the gym yesterday.. And, ate a portion-controlled packed lunch today, so hopefully March’s weigh-in will have better numbers.

Yes I can!

Image from www.yesicanproject.org

I feel like a failure… Again.

I’m full of goals, ideas, resolutions.. I’m brimming with hope for the thought of what is going to be…

But what am I doing for it now?

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

January is almost gone and I have not made it to the gym even once.  I have not figured out a way to make extra money or to pay down more debt.  I have not organized the house.  I have not avoided junk food like the plague.  I have not blogged more.

I have failed.

And it is beginning to depress me.

But, I can’t let it do that.  I need to change my attitude.  To leave the past in the past and to look forward from today.  To say “Yes I can!” 

I can become healthier.

I can lose weight and have the body I want.

I can pay down debt.

I can write more.

I can reach my goals.

Because, the thing is, if I don’t think “Yes I can” I definitely won’t.

This post inspired by Writing Workshop at Sleep is for the Weak.

A Day in the Life of…

A Day in the Life of Undomestic

5:55 – Ugh… I hate this stupid alarm… Is AMP going to turn it off?  Yes, it’s off!  Ten more minutes of sleep, and then I’ll get up and go to the gym.

6:45 – Mm… ‘No, can’t see how you look from here’, ‘Yes, that’s clean’, ‘No, I won’t forget to feed the fish’, ‘Love you too, have a good day.’  Should get out of bed and go to the gym.  Mm… Maybe in 5 minutes

8:00 – Crap!  It’s 8.  Have to run!  In the shower – shave or don’t shave?  It’s sunny out… Definitely shave.  Stupid hair… Make up?  Definitely need it this morning… Hurry!

8:30 – Oops, that took longer.  Need to be out the door soon.  Wait!  Fish!  Need to feed them… No fish floating at the top = good day.  House is a disaster.  Need to set better rules for everyone about picking up after themselves.  Wait, I think I left that there…  Remember not to yell at boys!  Ask for help nicely.  So tired.  Breakfast?  Nothing quick.  Need to buy granola bars.  Forgot to pack a lunch.  Remember for tomorrow.

9:00 – Wow.  Actually made it on time. 

2:00 – Should go home and clean.  Wait, mom needs something.  ‘Yup, be right there.’  Re-routing.  Will only take half-an-hour, an hour at most.  Will be at the gym by 3, home by 4, Clean and have dinner on the table at exactly 5:30.  Make lasagna tonight?  With fresh bread and a salad?  And my house will be spotless! 

3:30 – Crap! Still here.  Should get going.  Need to go to the gym.  ‘Yup, I can wait a couple more minutes, but then I have to go.’

4:30 – AMP wants to be picked up.  It’s pouring, I feel bad making him wait for the bus.  Wasn’t it sunny earlier?  Crap!  Got nothing done today.  No gym!  Never going to fit into that dress.  Will go after dinner.  And then clean.  Oops, forgot to defrost the ground beef for the lasagna….

5:45 – Why does that stupid smoke detector have to go off every time I cook?!?!  Nothing is on fire!  Oh wait… The chicken nuggets are getting burnt…

6:15 – Ok, now to the gym?  In 15 minutes, when this show is done.

7:00 – Dilemma – Watch movie with AMP or clean?  AMP and movie definitely wins!  Maybe fold laundry during the movie? Does that count as productive and/or domestic?  No gym today.  Again.

9:45 – So tired.  Should go to bed and get up early tomorrow.  And then I can clean, go to the gym.  ‘Good night love.’ ‘Sure, I’ll stay and cuddle while you play video games. But only for a few minutes.’

10:30 – In bed.  Read?  Maybe a few pages – I want to know what happens next.  Will definitely be asleep by 11.

11:45 – Lights off!  So tired.  Wait… Wasn’t I supposed to make lunches for tomorrow?  Crap!  Maybe I’ll get up early tomorrow.

Next day
5:55 – Ugh… I hate this stupid alarm… Is AMP going to turn it off?  Yes, it’s off!  Ten more minutes of sleep, and then I’ll get up and go to the gym.

6:45 – Mm… ‘No, I won’t forget to feed the fish’, ‘Love you too, have a good day.’  Should get out of bed and go to the gym.  Mm… Maybe in 5 minutes

8:00 – Crap!  It’s 8.  Have to run!  In the shower.  Stupid hair… Make up?  Definitely need it this morning… Hurry!  Haven’t made lunch yet!  Run, Undomestic, Run!

See a pattern?  I’m completely incapable of managing my time wisely.  I tend to allow myself to be distracted.  I have the best of intentions. But, I want to make everyone happy… I want to be the perfect daughter who is always available when her parents need her.  I want to be the perfect wife – with dinner on the table and a spotless house when AMP gets home, as a thank you for only having to work 2 days a week.  I want to make a list each day and cross every item off, and not have them carry on for weeks.  I want to get to the gym 4x a week, and not have it interfere with the time I set aside to spend with AMP.  I want there to only ever be one load of laundry to be done, the powder room bathroom always in pristine condition, the living room and kitchen ‘show-home’ clean so I’m not embarrassed if anyone decides to stop by.

I want more time…but I’m afraid that I’ll squander it.  I need to be more organized.  I need to make the most of the time I have.  And I need to use it wisely!

 

This post is inspired by prompt no. 5: Time, at Sleep is For the Weak’s Writing Workshop.

Emotionally Emotional

I scoured in vain.  Overwhelmed is not an actual emotion.  I think that isn’t fair.  After all, I am feeling overwhelmed.  That is my emotional state. 

I want to be poetic – I want to be the type of writer that people will want to read – but how do I beautify stress?  I see some do it – and it reiterates an important fact – I am not a writer.  I could never survive in the world of writing.  I can write passively well – but that is all.  It saddens me that I have no outstanding talents – I can do many things well or well enough, but there is nothing I can do amazingly.

But, I digress.  This overwhelming-ness is consuming me.  There are so many goals I wanted to reach this year and as of yet, have accomplished none.  I am no better of a cook or housekeeper.  I am no more organized.  I am no more healthier or in better shape than I was 4 months ago.

I am overwhelmed by my failure.

I want to state a new goal – but I do not want any more goals to fail at.  Instead I will take pleasure in small accomplishments, the small accomplishments of today.  Optimism after all is better for my state of mind.

And perhaps, by the end of this year, some of the goals will be reached and this silly thing called life will not be so overwhelming.

 

Inspired by prompt no. 5 – Pick an emotion that best describes your state of mind right now.