A new language

Wal calendar (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

TTC and AF and TWW and BFN and BFP — all acronyms I vaguely knew, but now am fluent in.

I’ve joined a Trying to Conceive (TTC) forum.. thought maybe it would distract me.
Turns out I was wrong.

It’s already hard not to ‘symptom spot’ and obsess whether a random wave of nausea is a pregnancy symptom or just a touch of flu.  Or if my breasts are actually sore, or just a result of me poking them constantly.

But, it does help to read other people’s stories.  To know not everyone gets pregnant right away.  That many people go through months of trying without a positive test.

And, to know what are actually pregnancy symptoms from real people and not just Google.

Two more days till my period is supposed to show up, and I finally get to know if this month is the month, or we’re waiting till fall.

This waiting is harder than I thought.

Wanting to be first…

A while ago, in response to some comment I made, my husband asked me if it matters to me that I have children before my brother and his wife do – my brother and his wife who are 3 and 6 years younger than me respectively, who live in my parent’s basement, married less than a year, and have jobs that barely provide them for the necessities of life.

If I recall correctly I stayed silent and waited till he forgot he even asked the question and pretended the whole conversation never happened.

I want to say no, it doesn’t matter to me.  After all, it doesn’t matter to my husband, who although the oldest of four, did not produce the first (and only) grandchild on his side.  It doesn’t matter to him at all.  If this decision was left to him, he could easily wait a few more years before even considering this step – because he’s perfectly content with the way things are.

But, let’s be honest here – it does matter to me.  I want my child to be the first grandchild for my parents.  I was the first to get married; the first to buy a house; shouldn’t I be the first to welcome a child into this world?  I want to be the one that surprises my parents with the news of their changed status. I want my child to be the first one who calls my mom and dad nonna and nonno (Italian for grandma and grandpa). 

I know it sounds silly to most people – but it’s the way I feel.

However, my sister-in-law is baby obsessed and I have a feeling that she’s going to beat me to it… And, speeding the timetable along just to be first is ridiculous (and AMP would never ever go for it). 

But, I know that being second, especially second to my much younger sister-in-law, will sting.  I know that I will be resentful of being left behind again.  And, I know that those feelings suck.

So, I hope it doesn’t happen… Or for the strength to be a bigger person if it does…

The What-Ifs

“And we can sell our house and drive down and live in Brazil.  I’ll be Ricardo.  Your name can be… Miranda…” 

I interrupt my husband in the middle of his plan to flee our current life and ask him why his ‘imaginary’ futures never seem to have children in it. 

His response was to ask me why mine never involve just the two of us.  Why I don’t want it to be just him and me?

I was quite effectively silenced (though I’m not sure that was his intent).

It brought to surface one of my greatest fears – making the wrong decision on whether or not to have a child.  Especially because it is mostly my decision – it is something my husband is willing to do because I want it – and not because it’s his lifelong dream to be a father.  I love just the two of us, but I want a baby of our own.  He loves just the two of us but he says he’ll be happy with expanding our little family, if I’m happy.    

But I worry that he’ll resent me for this huge change to our lives.

And, I worry that I’ll be resentful if we don’t make this change.
 

Knowledge is power, and all that…

Image by Wonderlane via Flickr

I like to plan and research.

Case in point:  A year before we even intend to start attempting to conceive our first* child, I’ve already made my way through not one, but two pregnancy books, am a daily visitor in the Being Pregnant section at Babble.com, and read every pregnancy article I stumble across.  I cross examine my poor pregnant and mommy friends about their experiences with pregnancy, labor, newborns.

So it shouldn’t come as any surprise that I can tell you about pregnancy symptoms, mucous plugs, pros and cons to epidurals, what to expect during labor, what the appropriate amount of weight gain is based on your pre-pregnancy weight and even how much of that weight is baby, placenta, etc.

I can tell you when you’re more likely to start feeling the baby move – at how many weeks you can find out the gender (if baby is cooperative) – and how big your baby is at  27 weeks pregnant.

I can tell you a lot of things for someone who never got past week 5 of her own pregnancy 

But, there are two things I am not going to do with my ridiculous amounts of research:
1) Offer unsolicited advice to anyone who is currently pregnant (or trying to conceive)
2) Make decisions about my own future pregnancy

I’m not going to decide now if I’m for or against epidurals.  I’m not going to decide now how much weight I will gain (even though this can be out of my control up to a certain extent).  I’m not going to decide right now how or when I will share my pregnancy news.  

I want to enter my pregnancy armed with knowledge, but with an open mind.

And hopefully, next year at this time, I’ll be in the throes of morning sickness brought on by the first trimester – and we can see how little knowledge I truly have. :)

Did anyone else do massive researching before conceiving?  Did it shape your opinions of pregnancy and childbirth? 

*The baby I lost will always be in my thoughts – but considering how early I miscarried and all that, here I won’t refer to that pregnancy as my first (seeing as I barely even realized I was truly pregnant).  That does not mean it hurts any less, it just means that I don’t have any real knowledge or experiences from that pregnancy to share.

Positivity :)

Image via CrunchBase

A month or two ago, I was bombarded with pregnancy announcements.  In the space of a few weeks, half a dozen bloggers I followed announced pregnancies, and a few other announced intentions to start trying to conceive.  Never mind people in my real life.

Because patience (and envy) are something I constantly battle, I told AMP that if one more person in my Google Reader feed announced a pregnancy I was going to quit the blogging world.

His response: he rolled his eyes and tried to explain to me that the odds of announced pregnancies is high when my Google Reader has almost 90 blogs written by women.  (I so hate it when he’s right.)

Nothing more was said on the matter.

Then yesterday I mentioned to him that Amber (who was one of my first blogging friends), just announced she is 6 weeks pregnant, and he asked me if I was quitting blogging.

And, I said no.

First of all, I’m beyond thrilled for Amber.  She has had a difficult time in the past year, suffering multiple miscarriages.  And, she is a wonderful mommy to two gorgeous kids.  And, she is just plain awesome.  I’m so happy for her and I’m praying that this pregnancy will end in tears of happiness, with another beautiful little bundle of joy.

And, I’m ok with other people being pregnant and I’m not.  Perhaps it’s a temporary feeling – but I sure hope not.

My time will come.  It will… and if it doesn’t, I will deal with it then.

But, right now, it’s all about enjoying the moments.  Enjoying my free time.  How my house stays clean for more than a day (sometimes).  How I can go back to bed if I want to.  How I can have eight (or nine or ten) uninterrupted hours of sleep…

Which brings me to a new feature I would like to try here – Enjoying Two.  Every week, I’ll focus on positivity and the benefits to being childfree a little longer.  :)   This feature is mostly for my own benefits – to keep me positive and patient… but I’d love some insight from my mommy friends on what I should enjoy now that I won’t have any more when I begin my own journey to motherhood.

 

Growing Your Family (Guest Post)

I’m so excited today to introduce to you my first ever guest blogger, Leah from Far From Perfect MaMMa.  Leah is a mom to an almost one year old daughter “Pule” and step-mom to a 17-year-old daugther.  She’s new to the blogging world and talks about motherhood, marriage to a Samoan husband, and raising a bi-racial daughter, among other things.  Please make her feel welcome :)

Growing Your Family

Thank you to the Undomestic Housewife for this opportunity to be a guest on her blog.  Us blogger MaMMas must unite and support one another!  Stay tuned, she may make an appearance on my blog as well!

This is one of those blogs where I know what I want to say, but I am not sure how to start. Okay, I think I will start with just introducing myself to you as I am new to most of you.  I also don’t like long blogs, I tend to avoid them myself.  I am warning you, so go refill your coffee, tea, wine, drink of choice. I can wait!

Just a month ago I started blogging.  Mostly because I am not good at keeping a journal for my “Pule” (just-turned-1, baby girl).  I have one , but only have about 5 entries for one year.  NOT GOOD!  That is what started me thinking about blogging.  I am a WAHM and am on the computer almost 70% of my work day.  I also realized that I may have quite a bit to say in regards to raising a bi-racial daughter, as well as being a step-mom for a 17 year old daughter.  The cultural differences between Americans and Samoans is quite vast.  Fortunately I had spent some time living in Hawaii, as well as spending time with my parents in New Zealand with the Maori.  The Pacific Island cultures are all different, but similar in many ways too.  Their large families are only one small representation of their large hearts.  Very giving and rich people.  Not with money, but with love.
 
My “MM” (husband) and I discussed having children before we were married.  His sister had 6 children at the time (now 7) and I knew small families were hard to come by.  Birth control was not really something they considered.  I was already 36 when we married so I knew that if we were going to do something it shouldn’t be something to take our time with.  I was at a place in life where I had given up the idea of being a mom as I was not sure if I would ever be a wife.  I had become quite happy with my independence, Thank you very much.
 
We both agreed that while MM would take 12 or 14 sets of little legs running around, I would prefer to not have any.  We would wait for a year after getting married before we would talk about it.  We are people who trust in God and when the one year mark passed we did just that.  I was okay with allowing God to take control, so I let go of the control.  You can read more about that here if you would like. 
 
I have been fortunate that not many people have asked me if there will be more.  I am not ready to answer that.  I will say that about 6 months ago I was certainly at the point of  “I’m done!”.  For quite a variety of reasons: after birth complications, painful sciatica during my pregnancy, fears…upon fears…upon fears (more on that later), and finances.   And of course the question remained…is having another baby even an option physically for us?  That last one is easy as it is not in our hands to control.

What are my fears? 
·         The next one will be a terror.  I have a perfect baby right now(emphasis intended), don’t disrupt that!
·         I can barely handle one, now I should consider the responsibility of two? Hmph!
·         The after-birth issues. At the time, these seemed to be more of an issue that the pregnancy. I wont go into the gory details here, but I had a hard time with a variety of issues.
·         Finances. Can we afford it? Being a SAHM trying to build my business as a WAHM is slow going and will be even slower with two!
·         What it all sums up into: THE UNKNOWN (thank you MM for reminding me)

Have you been at this point? What did you do?

Sacrifice. That’s what it really comes down to. The fact that I told myself a long time ago, if I have one I will have more.  More for their sake than for anything else.  I would also do it for my husband.  He would love to have a boy. 
 
If  I step back…hold on a second cause I cannot keep typing and step back at the same time…and look at my fears from a distance….Oh yea, thanks for the reminder: they are only a phase, a small portion of time that will morph into another season of time.  Isn’t this how life works?  Why am I being so fearful and selfish about it?  Okay, here comes the guilt. Blah!  Here is my other reminder: Marriage and having children are the only two permanent things in life (at least in my perspective).  Those fears above are not.  Get over it MaMMa.
 
In case you are wondering…we still haven’t decided to pull the plug (LITERALLY!), and if you know me/us …sorry, no big announcement…
 
Thank you again Undomestic Housewife for this opportunity.  We are both new to the blogging world and welcome your comments/thoughts/luv.  Being open and honest is a very vulnerable thing.  Sort of like undressing yourself.  We do it for the benefit of you, our faithful readers. Maybe you have been encouraged to know you are not alone.  I know I was!  Please stop by and introduce yourself.  Would love to meet you: Far From Perfect MaMMa.

Thank you for being my first guest-poster Leah.  Please go visit her site now and welcome her to the blogging world. :)

Separation-Anxiety

My husband is dying for a new job, and honestly, I don’t blame him.  For the past few months, his job has become more and more stressful and I’m starting to worry about his health.  He comes home after a 10 hours of frustration and is a ball of anxiety and grumpiness for most of the evening.  By the time he’s unwound a bit, it’s time to go to bed.

For that reason, I’m being very supportive of his decision to start searching for a new job.  He’s handed over his resume to a recruitment agency, and I’ve been scouring the ‘wanted’ ads for something hopefully close to home and within his desired price range.

Yesterday, he texts me to tell me he’s got a call from a competing company offering him a job.  Its $40k more a year than he makes now… plus moving expenses.  The catch?  It’s a 14-hour drive from where we currently live – and it’s in the middle of nowhere. 

I don’t think I could do it.  To be 14-hours away from my family?  From my friends?  From my nieces and future nephew?  I’d be in a depressive funk within weeks.

Maybe if it was a temporary contract – say a year.  Maybe even two years I could survive as long as I could fly out and see my family once a month for a week.  But, a permanent job in the middle of nowhere?  I don’t think so.

The offer is so tempting though.  With the sale of our house and having all our expenses paid for us, we would be able to get out of debt instantly and have a nice little savings account.  No debt and money for a down-payment on a home where we live.  Money to travel.  Money to do all the things we want to do in the next year or two before we have children.  It’s so tempting.  But, is it worth my mental sanity?  I’m pretty attached to my family… to the thrice-weekly visits with my parents.  Could I survive being so far away?  I know lots of people do it, but I’m not sure I can.

Sometimes I wish I was more adventurous.  That I was willing to take risks.  That I wasn’t such a coward. 

What would it take..?

Image via Wikipedia

I’m addicted to the Home & Garden Network.  I watch more than just the decorating shows… my favorites are really those shows where other people are looking to buy a home, and I get to peek in at what homes look like in different cities, and how much they cost.  In some places the house prices are ridiculously low – at least compared to where I live.

So, I fantasize about moving to those places – to owning a ‘dream’ home with a much smaller mortgage than we currently are straddled with.

I think if I picked a place and told AMP that I wanted to move there, and could find us jobs, he’d do it.  In a heartbeat.  Well, as long as it was finacially feasible, after all I’m married to an accountant.

I, on the other hand, prefer to fantasize.  Because, push come to shove it would take a whole hell of a lot to make me move… like the ability to move my entire family (or at least the members I like), definitely my nieces, and my best friends.  Or, in lieu of that, to own a private jet that would cost me nothing to travel back and forth at a moment’s notice.

As much as my family may drive me crazy, I could not imagine living far away from them.  I like how I can just ‘drop by’ and have lunch with one of my aunts.  I love the afternoons spent at my parents place.  I love coffee dates with cousins.  Or girl’s nights with friends I’ve known since I was 8.

I don’t like change.  I’m not good at meeting new people and making new friends – hence why my strongest friendships are with people I’ve known forever.   

Which means my options are:
a) Convince all my family to move with me to wherever I decide
b) Find someone to gift me a private jet, plus pay all related costs
c) Stay here, and just live vicariously through my shows

I think I’m going to be here a while…

 

This post inspired by Mama Kat’s Writing Workshop: What would it take for you to pick up and move?  Go visit and read some amazing posts. :)

 

Would you? (a work-in-progress)

My arms ache from the weight they’ve never known

The lullabies never sung, scratch tirelessly at my throat

The feel of your soft skin, cradled against my chest

A voice I’ll never know, whispering, “Mommy I love you.”

The goodnight stories we’ll never read

Cuddles and kisses we’ll never feel

Whispered conversations we’ll never have

Giggles and laughter we’ll never hear

Days and weeks and months and years

That we’ll never share

Days and weeks and months and years

and all the things I’m left to ponder

Would your hair been blonde and curly?

Would your eyelashes be as long as your daddy’s?

Would you learn to read at three?

Would you be shy like your mommy?

All the things I’ll never know

All the love you’ll never feel

Every day that passes I think of you

And miss you, my dear baby.

Over the moon…and rough landing

Image by Vertigogen via Flickr

It’s funny how silly humans can be… Specifically, how silly I can be.

I spent a lot of time contemplating and plotting how to convince AMP that we should have children – that it was ok to renege on our ‘childless’ deal.  For a long time I was unsuccessful.  And, then suddenly, he said, ‘one day.’  And recently, we’ve narrowed it down to spring of next year, we’ll begin trying.

I should be over the moon.

And I was am over the moon.

But, once I got over that stupid moon, I think I crash landed… And not gently.

Because now, I’m also scared.

Even petrified.

Do I know what I’m getting myself into?  Am I ready for sleepless nights?  And to give up ‘just us’ time?  And naked Sundays?  (Joking about that last one – we do wear clothes, most of the time, especially when we leave the house!).

And, do I have any idea what it means to be a mother?  Watching Supernanny and helping Principessa with Mini-Principessa does not qualify me as an expert in motherhood and child rearing.  Why would the universe let me have a little teeny tiny being, and leave me in control?

These are the thoughts that run through my head these days.

No more innocent dreams of baby nurseries, and little onesies - but worries about money, breastfeeding v. formula, delivery and labor…and preschool and highschool, and everything in-between…

And, I’m not even pregnant yet…

Please tell me this is normal.