Positivity :)

Image via CrunchBase

A month or two ago, I was bombarded with pregnancy announcements.  In the space of a few weeks, half a dozen bloggers I followed announced pregnancies, and a few other announced intentions to start trying to conceive.  Never mind people in my real life.

Because patience (and envy) are something I constantly battle, I told AMP that if one more person in my Google Reader feed announced a pregnancy I was going to quit the blogging world.

His response: he rolled his eyes and tried to explain to me that the odds of announced pregnancies is high when my Google Reader has almost 90 blogs written by women.  (I so hate it when he’s right.)

Nothing more was said on the matter.

Then yesterday I mentioned to him that Amber (who was one of my first blogging friends), just announced she is 6 weeks pregnant, and he asked me if I was quitting blogging.

And, I said no.

First of all, I’m beyond thrilled for Amber.  She has had a difficult time in the past year, suffering multiple miscarriages.  And, she is a wonderful mommy to two gorgeous kids.  And, she is just plain awesome.  I’m so happy for her and I’m praying that this pregnancy will end in tears of happiness, with another beautiful little bundle of joy.

And, I’m ok with other people being pregnant and I’m not.  Perhaps it’s a temporary feeling – but I sure hope not.

My time will come.  It will… and if it doesn’t, I will deal with it then.

But, right now, it’s all about enjoying the moments.  Enjoying my free time.  How my house stays clean for more than a day (sometimes).  How I can go back to bed if I want to.  How I can have eight (or nine or ten) uninterrupted hours of sleep…

Which brings me to a new feature I would like to try here – Enjoying Two.  Every week, I’ll focus on positivity and the benefits to being childfree a little longer.  :)   This feature is mostly for my own benefits – to keep me positive and patient… but I’d love some insight from my mommy friends on what I should enjoy now that I won’t have any more when I begin my own journey to motherhood.

 

Analyze Much?

Image from weheartit.com

AMP says I overanalyze things too much.

He says I put too much weight on what people say… that I ask too many questions… that I’m incapable of taking things at face value.

I agree.  I do waste a lot of time ‘analyzing’ conversations.

Except, in my 15 years plus of dealing with other females, and female friendships, I think I’ve come by that habit honestly.

Women (and men too, sometimes!) don’t often say things without a reason.  Witty barbs are thought of and delivered with the precision of a military drill.

If she says something, she means for you to think about it – to wonder what she really means.  To have you second-guess yourself.  To make you feel bad.

Not all women to every woman of course… But, there are some people, some ‘friends’ that you just know don’t say things ‘just because.’ 

Sunday was going great… The guys barely left the living room… The women, and kids, were in the kitchen chatting.  Kickoff was at 3:30, so I told everyone to come anytime after 2:30 – some people showed up before the game, lots didn’t… Around 5, I got a phone call from two friends who had been invited; they were upset they couldn’t find parking and wanted me to tell them what to do.  Unfortunately parking on our street is a little crazy, especially after 5, so I apologized and offered suggestions, but didn’t know what else to say.  She told me she’d wasted half-an-hour driving around and was going to check one more time, and then leave if she couldn’t find any parking.  She made me feel horrible, about a situation I couldn’t really control.

That was the first thing.

The second thing… I had invited her and her husband.  Her husband didn’t come, so naturally I asked if everything was ok.  She stumbled over some excuse about him being sick, and I just nodded and said that I hoped he felt better soon.  Later, when repeating this conversation to my husband, AMP told me that she actually said to him that her husband didn’t feel like he was actually invited…

AMP says I’m being unreasonable for being upset over that… But, I think that it’s a little ridiculous… First, that she would tell AMP that and not me… and then because everyone was invited the same way…and I fail to see why that was enough for his wife to accept the invitation, and not him.  It really pissed me off.  So, I’ve decided that next year they are definitely not on the invite list.  Every time I’m around this woman, she makes me feel bad about something.  She’s loud, and outspoken and thoughtless… And, well I don’t think I need people like that in my life.

What do you think?  Is AMP right that I’m being a bit unreasonable in being upset over this?

You can tell me the truth.  I promise I won’t cry.

Just a little bit of me…

After this post, I decided I had to get a Writing Workshop post done.  It’s therapeutic for me.  It’s healthy.  And right now it’s best for me to think of something else.

I’ve read the prompts over and over and over.

I could talk about feeling sexy, but that is nothing of my doing.  The way my husband looks at me, the way he touches me – that is what makes me feel sexy.  This despite my losing battle with the scale.  This despite the fact that the reflection in the mirror is not yet what I wish…But when he looks at me, I forget all that.

Depression – I’m not depressed.  I’m sad.  I’m in mourning.  But, I am not depressed.  I am thankful for that.  I feel for the millions of people worldwide who suffer.

Being first – being selfish.  At last a prompt that resonates with me. 

I’m not selfless.  I am not.  I would never say that about myself.  But I find I spend so much time doing stuff for others, that I push things I want aside.  My mother wants me to go visit, so I don’t go to the gym.  My cousin needs help with paperwork, so I spend afternoons and evenings cursing her father’s company.  I enjoy visiting, and I’m happy to help, but my time is all sucked up.  My energy is gone.  And, then, I still have to get home and cook and clean up and do the laundry and so on and so forth.  At night, I feel guilty for what I didn’t accomplish.

And all this helping and visiting is selfish – it’s because I want to be useful.  I want to be loved.  I want to be wanted… Not necessarily the most healthy way to be selfish, I guess.

But all this guilt and running around has forced me to come to a decision… Starting from September I’m going to be more selfish – in a healthy way.  At the beginning of each week I’ll make a list of what must get done that week, and those will be my priorities.  All other things, except emergencies, will just have to wait. And once a month, I’m going to take a whole day off and just focus on me.  Maybe just sit and read all day.  Or go shopping.  Or blog and read blogs all day. Or treat myself to a manicure or pedicure – who knows, but it’ll be my day.  And I won’t feel guilty – even if I choose to sleep the whole day away. Just a little bit of guilt-free me-time.

I think that if I manage to reach my goals for once, I will be happier.  I will be more organized, less stressed, and less frazzled.  Perhaps… Perhaps in being selfish, I will be a greater help and support to my family and friends.  Perhaps by being selfish, I will become the person I want to be.

Perhaps…

 

This post is inspired by Josie’s Writing Workshop.

The “In” Crowd

I never was one of the popular girls.  I’m okay with that.  I hate being in the limelight, being the center of attention.  I’m much more happy being on the sidelines, watching but not feeling pressured to participate.  I have always been like that.  And I believe, I always will.

 When we moved back to Canada from Italy, I was 8.  I moved into a school of kids who had been together since the age of 5 – and with the added issue of re-learning the English language and adjusting to the Canadian school system. 

I was way ahead of my class – I already knew the timetables, how to do division, how to read and write in two languages… Being a geek never makes you popular.

I loved to read – I’d spend recesses huddled in the corner of the library, reading book after book… Being a nerd never makes you popular.

I was shy – Speaking to people would make me break out in a cold sweat, I’d be terrified to join in on conversations… Being shy never makes you popular.

Eventually I developed a close circle of friends.  True, there was only 3 or 4 of us.  True, I probably was the odd one out.  But, they were friends.  They were people to hang out with at recess and lunch.  They were people who knew that I was shy and not aloof.  I was happy. 

When high school came around, I was still there – still with the same group of close friends – and better at branching off and meeting new people.  But, I always sat and ate lunch with the same people.  It was what made me happy.  What made the maze of high school easy to bear – and it lasted for about six months. 

Then everything changed.  A new girl I had befriended at the beginning of the year, had started spreading rumors about me.  She had told my friends that I had been talking bad about them behind their backs.  And for some reason, they believed her.  I was ostracized.

The popular girls took note.  They attacked.  I was bullied.  Made fun of.  They started their own rumors – that I was dating the ugliest and geekiest boy in our grade.  They would tell him that I liked him – so he would follow me around – adding credit to their rumors.  I hated it.  I hated going to school.  I would spend lunches sitting in the bathroom stall crying.

I hated the popular girls.  It wasn’t enough that my own friends didn’t believe me – they were ruining my life.

We went to Italy for a few weeks during the school year, and when I came back, things were a little better.  Some of my old friends realized how ridiculous it had been to believe the other girl and came back.  I was more wary.  I trusted very few people.  I couldn’t wait for the year to be over.

The next year, we moved.  I home-schooled for a year, because I couldn’t face the prospect of another set of ‘popular girls’.  Eventually I went back to school – I survived.  But, whenever I saw a group of girls standing close together, followed by their worshipping crowds, I would run in the opposite direction.  I guess the damage had been done.

 
This post is inspired by prompt no. 1 – ‘The Popular Girls’ – at Mama Kat’s Losing It.

Thanks for that!

I’m not good with people. That may sound funny, but it’s true.  I’ve been burned one too many times.  And, I take from my dad – I lose patience in stupidity quite quickly.  And I have a hard time hiding when I’m annoyed.  I try.  Well, I’m trying.  I am.

Those little quirks make it hard for me to feel welcome places. I know I’m not a good conversationalist.  I know that I can be awkward.  I know I’m not good at making friends.  So, I’m always judging myself harshly.  I always think that I’ll say something stupid.  And I’m very, very, very bad at small talk.

That is why, I’d much rather spend the evening doing nothing with someone I’m comfortable with – than trying something new and exciting with someone new.  And why I have a very small circle of close friends.

My favorite person is my cousin & best friend, Principessa.  We are nine months apart and grew up very close – and have grown closer in the past two years.  I am ‘auntie’ to her little girl and spend lots of time with them both.  With her, I am always comfortable.  I don’t feel the dread of saying something wrong.  I’m happy and content.  She doesn’t make me feel stupid or unimportant because I don’t have kids. She values my thoughts and opinions and is readily available to give me advice when I need it. 

But, the other night, we were gathered together and Principessa had invited another cousin over – one who is 10 years older than us and has a 3 year-old boy.  And, let me tell you – it was made very clear that I was not welcome to join in their conversation.

Every time I would open my mouth – Other Cousin would point out – “Well you don’t have kids.”  EVERY SINGLE TIME!  I get it.  I’m very aware of the fact that I have no children.  But sorry for having questions and/or opinions!  I don’t think it’s wrong to have opinions.  I mean, I’m sure my opinions will change when (or if) I ever have children – but I don’t criticize or shut down people who think they know what it’s like to work in an office – or to be married – or to have a houseguest for an extended period of time.  I just listen. Why is that so hard? 

But, it’s not something new.  I’ve always felt like I had to catch up.  I wasn’t good enough because I was so much younger.  Then, I wasn’t dating.  When AMP and I got married, I caught up a little – but then, everyone started having kids, and now, I’m back to being the shunned one.  The one “who doesn’t get it because she doesn’t have kids.”  Thanks for that.  I’ll just go crawl away into my childless hole and stop bothering you.

This post is inspired by prompt no. 4 – Tell us about a time you didn’t feel welcome – at Sleep is for the Weak’s Writing Workshop.

Gaggling Gossipers

You know how some people are loveable because of their personality and how wonderful they are?  And then there are some people that are loved for gossip factor?  I’m clearly the latter.  I’ve dealt with gossip all my life.  I’m starting to think I’m developing immunity to it.  Sure, I get angry and rant and rave and maybe even cry when I first hear it. But then a day later, I shrug my shoulders and carry on.  After all, what can I do?  Stop living my life sensationally?  Hah!  I definitely don’t have an exciting life that requires constant scrutiny.  Why then, you may ask, am I constantly being gossiped about? 

Perhaps it is because I just take it?

I told A last night about the latest tidbit being passed around – by an aunt no less… Apparently my new sister-in-law-to-be is the daughter my mother never had. 

Clearly, I’m a crappy daughter.  Clearly.  I mean, dropping everything to run and bring my mom to the hospital, bringing her to doctor appointments and tests, going shopping for her, cleaning, visiting her at least 3x a week, calling her every day, leaving my house and driving across town just to go pick up bread or sushi for them, despite what I was doing at the time… That’s not the sign of a good daughter.  Apparently my sister-in-law is a better daughter because she’ll get up and clear the table and do the dishes.  Yup, that’s comparable.

But, then I’m also a crappy sister.  When my brother had a meningitis scare and I left work in the middle of the day to drive him to a hospital an hour away because that’s what my parents wanted (they were out of town) and then spent the whole night by his side, watching him violently shake due to the steroids he was injected with, mopping his forehead and helping him get from his room to the bathroom… Well, I’m a crappy sister because despite all this, I let him walk up a few stairs instead of going to my aunt’s place (which still had stairs and 4 noisy children jumping around) like my aunt wanted.

And, I’m a crappy wife of a crappy marriage because I let my husband go away to Vegas for a few days with his recently divorced friend.

And, I’ve been a crappy friend, a crappy girlfriend, a crappy granddaughter, niece, cousin.. You name it and it’s been said about me.

And I’ve hardened my skin.  I know I’m no one’s favorite.  Clearly.  It’s been reiterated my whole life.  I’m the “emotionless” one.  I have “no feelings.”  That’s the consensus – because I’m good at hiding my tears and pain under the thick veneer of nothingness they have helped me develop.

A almost had a heart attack when he heard the latest tidbit… He was absolutely livid.  It took great effort to convince him that I didn’t want him to fight my battles for me.  I wanted him to comfort and listen, but I underestimated how angry he would be.  I’ve seen him defensive of me, but never to that extent.  It was nice to know someone is on my side, that I’m someone’s favorite. 

He worries that I won’t fight.  That I’ll just let it go.  Perhaps that is what will happen.  After all, I know better.  I know I bend over backwards trying to be there for people.  I know that my life is a disorganized mess because of the time I spend helping others.

And, passiveness has been my method of choice.  That is how I’ve dealt with Georgie and Bob and Bob’s mother and the friends who weren’t really friends.  That is how I’ve dealt with the uncle who is mad that I didn’t invite him to my wedding and his children, including the one who said he was writing me off as a cousin, and the other family who is just a tangle of DNA cells that resemble mine, and no more.

Perhaps though that is the reason it never stops? Perhaps my passiveness is giving them free rein?

But 20+ years of habit is hard to break.  And, I can’t see why I should waste time and energy on these back-stabbing people… I have the people in my life that care about me – the ones who love me consistently.  That is enough.  I do not need these people cluttering up the already cluttered life I have.

the case of the disappearing marriages

I believe in marriage.  I believe that the only acceptable reason to end a marriage is because of cheating, emotional & physical abuse…you know, the big stuff.  Not because you’re tired of living with that person.  Not because you fought over whose turn it is to take out the trash.  Not because one likes to play video games and the other doesn’t.  These are all things you should have figured out before you got married.  They are quirks you have agreed to live with “till death do us part.”  Granted people can change from the wonderful person you married, but, that’s also the reason there’s the line “for better or worse” in marriage vows.

A and I will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary in March.  We both agree that the last 2 years have been wonderful.  Overall.  We have had ridiculous fights that last days, but, in the end, we still love each other and are determined to make our marriage last.

Unfortunately, it seems like around us marriages are dropping like flies.  There are 4 couples that got married just before or after us, who have called it quits.  Two because of adultery, one because of the famous ‘irreconcilable differences’ and the other for reasons I’m not aware of. 

All just over or around the 2 year mark.  Isn’t that sad?  I find it sad.  A and I look at these marriages and try to dissect where they went wrong, so that we can learn and not have to follow the same course. 

I’m incandescently, head-over-heels in love with A.  Sure, I get frustrated, and I know he does too, but does that mean we are going to give up?  Does that mean that I suddenly love him less?  Does it mean I no longer want to live with him for the rest of my life?  No, of course not. 

But, maybe we are different.  My relationship status on Facebook doesn’t teeter-totter between ‘married’ and ‘it’s complicated’ and ‘single’.  It doesn’t disappear because we had a fight.  It’s constant.  We are constant.  Despite fights and disagreements, we remain united.   We work at our marriage constantly.  We apply the counsel in the Bible.  We do not take our relationship for granted. 

the undomestic housewife