A new language

Wal calendar (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

TTC and AF and TWW and BFN and BFP — all acronyms I vaguely knew, but now am fluent in.

I’ve joined a Trying to Conceive (TTC) forum.. thought maybe it would distract me.
Turns out I was wrong.

It’s already hard not to ‘symptom spot’ and obsess whether a random wave of nausea is a pregnancy symptom or just a touch of flu.  Or if my breasts are actually sore, or just a result of me poking them constantly.

But, it does help to read other people’s stories.  To know not everyone gets pregnant right away.  That many people go through months of trying without a positive test.

And, to know what are actually pregnancy symptoms from real people and not just Google.

Two more days till my period is supposed to show up, and I finally get to know if this month is the month, or we’re waiting till fall.

This waiting is harder than I thought.

Where the crazy, sleep-deprived woman rambles on…

via http://inkpotsandquills.blogspot.com

I don’t suffer from depression… but I do have huge spaces of sadness that swallow me up for a day, or two, or even three.  And, on those days I feel like I’m drowning… drowning in thoughts I can’t seem to control.

When these days come upon me, I’m often blindsided – after all, technically I have a wonderful life – a great life that should not induce me to random tears at four in the morning.

But, I am sad, right now. 

I am sad, because I am going in the exact opposite direction of my goals.

I am not losing weight.  In fact, when I stepped on the scale yesterday morning, and saw I had gained 5 pounds, I cried.  I hate mirrors.  I hate how my clothes fit.  I hate how I look.  I hate that stupid scale.  AMP tells me I’m beautiful.  He shows me that I’m beautiful…and I can believe him in those moments, but when I’m away from his touch, I only see the reflection in the mirror.  I wish I could only see the reflection in his eyes. 

I am not saving money.  I find myself spending unnecessarily.  I find myself wanting to buy something – as if it’ll fill the ache inside me—the ache for something I can’t have now.

I am not content.  This year’s theme was supposed to be happiness, contentment.  I was supposed to learn not to be jealous.  I was supposed to enjoy this time of childlessness.  And, I can’t.  I’m being obsessive.  My mind fills with all these horrible scenarios.  I obsess about what can go wrong, what will go wrong… I am consumed with jealousy.

I am not a writer.  I read the blogs of others, the words that spill on to the screen, and I wish I could write that way.  I stumble over posts… I go days and days without writing a single word.

I am not feeling well.  I am tired.  I am cranky.  I am sleep-deprived, for no apparent reason.  I am sobbing uncontrollably into pillows as poor AMP tries to figure out what is wrong, and pats me on the back mumbling ‘there, there’.  As he offers everything: Tylenol, a book, a hug, a kiss, warm milk… Asking me what I need to make me feel better… And, I can’t answer him.

I am hiding…behind a mask of smiles, because, even I don’t know what’s wrong.  I am smiling, because I can’t handle any more tears.  I am overwhelmed with the thoughts that are swirling in my head.

I am…sad.

Uggh..

Not an eloquent title, but that’s how I’m feeling right now.

I’m not going to bother doing measurements and all that for February 1st – because, well, January sucked.

I didn’t lose any weight.

Actually, I managed to gain 2 freaking pounds.

Which is all, is not surprising since I didn’t even make it to the gym once in all of January – nor did I stop eating junk food.

And, I’ve been feeling pretty crappy all month.. I think I’m going to make a doctor’s appointment to get a physical done – because this whole being nauseous all the time, no period, but negative pregnancy tests, can’t really be all normal.

I did manage to make it to the gym yesterday.. And, ate a portion-controlled packed lunch today, so hopefully March’s weigh-in will have better numbers.

Late, as always…

I’m late with this… Eight days late to be exact.

I have to say, so far, I’m doing nothing towards making my goal, except for the vague plan to get to the gym at some point today.  Starting next week I need to get my butt in gear.  But to take note of any progress, or lack of, we’ll have to measure out the starting point… So, here is where I bare myself…

	Goal	Current	Change	Left to goal:
Weight	125 lbs	139 lbs	n/a	14 lbs
Chest	36 in	-	n/a	-
Abs	26 in	-	n/a	-
Hips	36 in	-	n/a	-
Thighs	18 in	-	n/a	-
Calves	14 in	-	n/a	-
Arms	10 in	-	n/a	-
BMI	22.9%	25.4%	n/a	2.5%

I can’t find my measuring tape, so I’ll have to add the other measurements later, and the goal measurements may have to be altered after that, but at least I took a good first step towards accountability. 

Now to get to myself to the gym!

Scrap That! Let’s Start Again

Image by Mason Masteka via Flickr

In May of this year, I decided that my brother’s wedding in October would be the impetus for me to lose the ‘last 10 pounds’ so to speak.  Except it really was 19 pounds.  And, I failed.  I did manage to lose about 6 pounds – but that’s it.  I stopped paying attention to what I was eating; I was no longer drinking 8 glasses or more a day, and my exercise regime/dreams went out the window.  The only bright side is that I’ve managed in the past few months to keep those 6 pounds off, which I should probably view as a success of sorts.

Now, if AMP and I do decide to have a baby – I want to be at my healthiest and fittest at the time of conception, in hopes of a healthy pregnancy and maybe, easy weight loss after the baby.  Now, while our baby plans are more than a year away, I might as well get started now, and enjoy an awesome summer of prancing around in a bikini without being completely self-conscious. 

So, we’re going to start the “Get-Fit Challenge” once again.

I am going to give myself 6 months to shed the remaining 13 pounds.  Just in time for bikini season.

So, here we go again… On January 1^st, I will re-commence weigh-ins. 

I will start going to the gym 3 times a week (at least), with at least 45 minutes of cardio each time. 
I will drink 8 to 10 cups of water per day.
I will pack my own lunches and not buy fast food.
I will cook healthy, nutritional meals.
I will take my vitamins daily.

And, in 6 months (or maybe less), I will weigh 125 lbs. 

So, ready, set, GO!

Missing body, circa 2005

I miss the 20-year-old me… To be incredibly specific, I miss my 20-year-old body.  Though I didn’t appreciate it at the time, I actually was pretty hot, if I say so myself, haha.  Huge boobs, tiny waist, actually in shape… All things I didn’t see back then.  I don’t know what my problem was, complaining about my size 0-2 body that required basically very little effort to maintain because I had the most amazing metabolism.  I swear I could actually lose weight just by thinking about it, while still hitting McDonalds or Dairy Queen.

 

But, five years later, I weigh almost 20 lbs more, and I’m lucky if my hips will squeeze into a size 7.  My stomach is definitely not flat, my thighs touch… the only thing I still have going for me is the boobs. 

And, I don’t have a pregnancy to blame for it.  Just a stupid case of mono when I was 21, that basically murdered my metabolism… And, well, it took me a little while to notice that I couldn’t eat fast food and still look great anymore. 

I want to get in shape… I really do.  And I feel like I’m trying, but not hard enough.  The Get-Fit Challenge has been a bust.  I haven’t lost any more weight since the second month.  My only success is that I’ve maintained that 6 to 7 lbs weight loss, which I mean, is still something. 

But, my October deadline is days away, and I’m still 12 lbs and 8.5 inches away… Just like I was in July… So absolutely no progress in the past 2 months (and a bit).

Getting to the gym has been difficult.  The mornings are getting darker, and getting up at 6 a.m. is not my thing.  But, I need to put more of an effort, or I’m never going to get anywhere with it. 

So, I have a new goal… Well, same goal and new deadline.

I will give myself to the spring… Just before bathing suit season. 

And I will up my determination…

Hopefully this time it works.

Just a little bit of me…

After this post, I decided I had to get a Writing Workshop post done.  It’s therapeutic for me.  It’s healthy.  And right now it’s best for me to think of something else.

I’ve read the prompts over and over and over.

I could talk about feeling sexy, but that is nothing of my doing.  The way my husband looks at me, the way he touches me – that is what makes me feel sexy.  This despite my losing battle with the scale.  This despite the fact that the reflection in the mirror is not yet what I wish…But when he looks at me, I forget all that.

Depression – I’m not depressed.  I’m sad.  I’m in mourning.  But, I am not depressed.  I am thankful for that.  I feel for the millions of people worldwide who suffer.

Being first – being selfish.  At last a prompt that resonates with me. 

I’m not selfless.  I am not.  I would never say that about myself.  But I find I spend so much time doing stuff for others, that I push things I want aside.  My mother wants me to go visit, so I don’t go to the gym.  My cousin needs help with paperwork, so I spend afternoons and evenings cursing her father’s company.  I enjoy visiting, and I’m happy to help, but my time is all sucked up.  My energy is gone.  And, then, I still have to get home and cook and clean up and do the laundry and so on and so forth.  At night, I feel guilty for what I didn’t accomplish.

And all this helping and visiting is selfish – it’s because I want to be useful.  I want to be loved.  I want to be wanted… Not necessarily the most healthy way to be selfish, I guess.

But all this guilt and running around has forced me to come to a decision… Starting from September I’m going to be more selfish – in a healthy way.  At the beginning of each week I’ll make a list of what must get done that week, and those will be my priorities.  All other things, except emergencies, will just have to wait. And once a month, I’m going to take a whole day off and just focus on me.  Maybe just sit and read all day.  Or go shopping.  Or blog and read blogs all day. Or treat myself to a manicure or pedicure – who knows, but it’ll be my day.  And I won’t feel guilty – even if I choose to sleep the whole day away. Just a little bit of guilt-free me-time.

I think that if I manage to reach my goals for once, I will be happier.  I will be more organized, less stressed, and less frazzled.  Perhaps… Perhaps in being selfish, I will be a greater help and support to my family and friends.  Perhaps by being selfish, I will become the person I want to be.

Perhaps…

 

This post is inspired by Josie’s Writing Workshop.

the new goal

I re-watched part of Julie & Julia last night, and I got to thinking – my blog about domesticity (or my lack thereof) had evolved, or perhaps been demoted, into more of a random journal of my thoughts and feelings.  This may be in part because day-to-day life makes me too busy to tackle ‘becoming domestic’.

I’ve set up so many goals for myself in the past few months, and I allow myself to be so easily sidetracked.  In all areas of my life, I feel like I’m drowning.

It’s inevitable really.

I went to a practitioner that specializes in something called Quantum Bio-Feedback.  It’s based on the premise that the body gives off frequencies that can be measured, comparing it to what normal healthy frequencies would be, and thus is able to identify imbalances and nutritional needs.

The results being: my thyroid is not working properly, my kidney/bladder/renal system is not working properly, both of which are affecting my liver.  Also, inhaled chemicals are affecting my respiratory system, which causes weakness in my heart and lungs.  This explains my sinus headaches, my too-high heartbeat and much more.  Hormonal imbalances is likely linked with the miscarriage and my body trying to get used to not being on the pill – which may change now that I’m back on it.  Plus my stress level is through the roof, which doesn’t help my body at all.

All things I could have told her without paying $50, but at least it’s a little more confirmed, and she could suggest which supplements I could take to get my body back on track.

Apparently, once my thyroid is working properly, I will be able to lose weight again.  I’m very excited about that.  I’m going to try hard to take all the supplements regularly and try to eliminate foods and chemicals that are affecting me negatively.

I want to feel healthy.  I want to be healthy enough that if, one day, we decide to have a baby, my body would make it through a pregnancy and we could have a healthy baby.

So, instead of focusing on weight loss, energy levels and so on separately, I’ll focus on getting healthy.  A much broader goal – but one that will help me to finally accomplish all the other goals I have.