A Monster…

I do not want to feel this way.  I hate myself for it.

I often wonder – what kind of person am I, to be sad for myself when I should be happy for others?

But the jealousy claws at me.  It shreds my insides trying to get out, trying to show itself behind the mask of a smile and the cheerful congratulations. 

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

The jealousy is a monster.  A stupid green-eyed little monster that crouches inside me at all times, waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce and be released.

And, he is getting stronger.

With every announced pregnancy, he gains strength against me. I constantly battle him – my insides are raw from his battle to burst forth unwelcome.

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

My husband asks, “What can I do to make you happy?  You are always so sad.”

But I am happy.   I am.  I am blessed – with a wonderful husband, a great family, friends I can count on, a good job, a beautiful home.  I am happy.

But there are moments when the jealousy peeks out.  He finds a foothold to climb out. 

I want just one more thing.  Something I’ve been promised – but have been asked to wait a little longer for…

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

Patience has never been a strong suit of mine, but I am willing to wait for this one thing.  This child of mine who will come when he or she is ready – when we are ready… I can wait. 

The jealousy taunts me – ‘You are a fool,” he says.  “You cannot wait.”

”I can wait – I can enjoy the moments now,” I scream back.

But he is clawing at me, taunting me.  And, his ugly head peeks out again – and my smile fades and tears roll down my cheeks.

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

This post is inspired by The Red Dress Club promt: Write about jealousy… Ending my self-imposed silence on the subject. Hop over to read some wonderful posts…

And, as always, constructive critisicm is welcome.. :)

Where the crazy, sleep-deprived woman rambles on…

via http://inkpotsandquills.blogspot.com

I don’t suffer from depression… but I do have huge spaces of sadness that swallow me up for a day, or two, or even three.  And, on those days I feel like I’m drowning… drowning in thoughts I can’t seem to control.

When these days come upon me, I’m often blindsided – after all, technically I have a wonderful life – a great life that should not induce me to random tears at four in the morning.

But, I am sad, right now. 

I am sad, because I am going in the exact opposite direction of my goals.

I am not losing weight.  In fact, when I stepped on the scale yesterday morning, and saw I had gained 5 pounds, I cried.  I hate mirrors.  I hate how my clothes fit.  I hate how I look.  I hate that stupid scale.  AMP tells me I’m beautiful.  He shows me that I’m beautiful…and I can believe him in those moments, but when I’m away from his touch, I only see the reflection in the mirror.  I wish I could only see the reflection in his eyes. 

I am not saving money.  I find myself spending unnecessarily.  I find myself wanting to buy something – as if it’ll fill the ache inside me—the ache for something I can’t have now.

I am not content.  This year’s theme was supposed to be happiness, contentment.  I was supposed to learn not to be jealous.  I was supposed to enjoy this time of childlessness.  And, I can’t.  I’m being obsessive.  My mind fills with all these horrible scenarios.  I obsess about what can go wrong, what will go wrong… I am consumed with jealousy.

I am not a writer.  I read the blogs of others, the words that spill on to the screen, and I wish I could write that way.  I stumble over posts… I go days and days without writing a single word.

I am not feeling well.  I am tired.  I am cranky.  I am sleep-deprived, for no apparent reason.  I am sobbing uncontrollably into pillows as poor AMP tries to figure out what is wrong, and pats me on the back mumbling ‘there, there’.  As he offers everything: Tylenol, a book, a hug, a kiss, warm milk… Asking me what I need to make me feel better… And, I can’t answer him.

I am hiding…behind a mask of smiles, because, even I don’t know what’s wrong.  I am smiling, because I can’t handle any more tears.  I am overwhelmed with the thoughts that are swirling in my head.

I am…sad.

A new theme…

We are 6 days in to the new year, and Mama Kat’s asking, what word encompasses 2010 – and what is your theme for 2011.

For me, 2010 was all about jealousy, longing and sadness.  To be honest, I wasn’t a big fan of 2010.  In a word, if I were to have to describe it in one word it would be frustrating.  Between the miscarriage, the ever-present baby fever, family illnesses and deaths, having the brother-in-law live with us, and a whole host of other things I didn’t even blog about, this past year was definitely challenging. 

But, 2011 is not to going to be that way.  This year is my year.  It is my year to be a better me, to learn contentment, to be healthy.  2011’s theme is Happiness.  I will be happy – for others and myself.  I will not allow jealousy to consume me.  That is not to say, I won’t feel the occasional twinge – otherwise, I would have already failed this year – but I will not allow it to define me, or my year.

Speaking of, I’m so excited about my future niece or nephew to be born – I’m hoping for a nephew – I already have two nieces, so a cute little boy would be nice.  I’m not sure I can wait the next few months to find out what it is, never mind wait for it to be born! 

Simple

It sounds simple – do not be jealous of others, appreciate what you have.

But it’s not. 

I do appreciate what I have.  I have a wonderful husband who loves me very much who would do almost anything for me.  I have a loving (if crazy) family.  I have close friends who I can talk to anytime.  I have a beautiful house.  I have a decent job that pays well.  I have 2 absolutely gorgeous nieces who I love to pieces.  I have a strong faith in God and a great hope for the future. 

So the statement ‘do not be jealous’ or even ‘do not covet’ should be easy, no?

You’d think so.

But, I’ve always struggled with jealousy.  It’s the proverbial green-eyed monster sitting on my shoulder, taunting me.  And I’m struggling right now. 

I’m happy for my friends (both in real life and in the blogging world) that have recently announced their pregnancies and/or births of their beautiful tiny babies, or their intentions to create beautiful tiny babies.  Really, I am.  But, I’m also jealous.

I’m jealous that I can’t get AMP on board with the idea.  I know his points against getting pregnant right now are valid – frustratingly so.  But still, I wish it was as simple as me saying, “Let’s have a baby.” And him jumping for joy and saying, “Yes, let’s!” 

But, it’s not that simple.

At least, not for me, not for us. 

And so I will struggle with my jealousy – burying it under smiles and giggles and repeating my mantra: that jealousy is unbecoming.  And remembering that one day I may get what I want, even if the road leading to it wasn’t as simple as I wished.

This post is inspired, in part, by Mama Kat’s Writing Workshop.  Click over here to find other entries. :)

 

“I am not”

She smiles, she laughes.  She dances along with the rest of the crowd.  She eats her share, she drinks her share – and the world sees nothing else.

“I’m not jealous,” she says.

“You are,” her heart aruges.

“I am not jealous nor envious,” she firmly repeats.

Her heart stares back mutely.

“I am not jealous of their happiness.  I am happy. 

I am not envious they have what I want.  I will have it one day. 

I am not jealous of their position.  I am happy. 

I am not envious of their freedom.  I will have it one day. 

I am not jealous of their lives.  I am happy. 

I am not envious of their blissful state.  I will have it one day.”

Her heart stares wordlessly.

“I am not jealous nor envious,” she screams, stomping her feet like an irritable toddler.

Her heart stares mutely.

“I am not jealous nor envious,” she whispers, a single despondent tear streaming down her face.  “I am not.”

Green-Eyed Monster

I’m jealous.  Jealous of all these other people having babies.  Jealous of the young ones with their firsts, and the others who are on their second, or even third children (anything after 3 seems a little crazy to me!). 

I want to be a mommy too.  I want to have a little being grow inside me.  I want to feel it move and kick.  I want to cuddle it when it’s born.  I want to watch it grow from newborn to baby to toddler to preschooler and so forth. 

The desire seems to be getting stronger.  Perhaps because everyone seems to be getting pregnant.  But I’m destined for disappointment.  A will never agree to this. 

So, I’ll just bottle up these feelings and keep pretending that children are the furthest thing from my mind.. in the meantime I’m pretty sure this jealousy, this envy and desire is going to gobble me up inside.

Obviousness

As I’ve mentioned before, I have baby fever.  Really, really bad baby fever.  The kind of baby fever that causes me to coo at bawling infants, subscribe to dozens of ‘mommy’ blogs, watch The Mom Show and A Baby Story…That kind of baby fever – the one where rational thoughts aren’t being processed past the “I want a baby” part of the brain.

I notice every newborn, every toddler, and every pregnant woman that walks by.  Every one!

It probably doesn’t help that there are babies everywhere.

Amazingly enough, I’ve managed to keep this baby fever problem to myself.  The only people who I’ve actually admitted it to is you (the faceless persona representing the worldwide web) and my cousin J.  Mostly because I can’t seem to hide very much from my cousin…maybe because I spend a lot of time with her and her almost-2 daughter. 

I thought my husband had noticed, but the poor guy has been so stressed with school and the basement and everything else, that I’ll cut him some slack for being completely unobservant.  The only reason I even realized he didn’t know was because last night when I was begging for a puppy (note to self: stay away from the pet store!), I reminded him he promised me a puppy when I wanted a baby.  And his reply, “But we’re not there (at baby obsession stage) yet.”  Since the poor guy was trying to study for his exam while I prattled on about puppies, I left it at that.

But, it’s reassuring to know that I’m at least not being obvious.  Everyone knows I love babies, but my family (including extended) have stopped asking me when I’m going to have a baby, which for them is huge.  Maybe they just think I’d suck as a mom! 

The one rational thought that my brain does let in despite this feverish state: we’re not ready to have a baby.  I want to have a child when it’s completely feasible for me to take 5 years off to stay at home with him/her.  I want to have little-to-zero debt, not the mountain-load we currently have.  I want the basement done, and my brother-in-law already moved out of it (in my defense our bedrooms are small, and we need somewhere to put all our books!) I want to be healthy, and in shape.  I want A to be done school and comfortable in his job.  I want to be able to afford a second car…  I want A to want a child.

Clearly, we aren’t ready.

That doesn’t stop me from imagining my ‘ideal’ family: 2 girls and 1 boy.  Elizabeth, Paige and Logan.  Or maybe Elizabeth, Paige and Thomas.  The only two names I’m absolutely sure are Elizabeth and Paige.  The boy name is up in the air.  A doesn’t want boys – I think it has something to do with his not-so-perfect relationship with his own father.  And, I’d very much prefer girls…though I’m ok with a boy if he’s the youngest (not logical, but whatever!). 

I worry that A will never want to have children.  Or by the time he’s ready, we’ll be older, and we’ll have problems conceiving.  I read an article that sperm is best before men reach the age of 35.  That’s 4 years away for A. 

I worry and wish and worry and wish — and in the meantime, I keep hoping that they come up with a cure for this baby fever.