Disappointment

pregnancy test - negative (Photo credit: Konstantin Lazorkin)

I do enough research to know that it takes the average couple about 6 months to conceive.  And I know that doing the Shettles method for a girl makes it take a little longer than that.  So, I shouldn’t have been surprised when we didn’t get pregnant last month.And, I wasn’t surprised.

But, I was disappointed.  Obviously.  And a little sad. 

And, it didn’t help that without exaggeration between Friday (the day I got my period) and Sunday, I saw 18 pregnant women.  And I didn’t even leave the house on Friday. 

That was only month 1.

This is now month 2.  And we try again.

But, I’m torn.  Because if I don’t get pregnant this month, I think I’m going to take a break and wait till September to try again, on the off chance we get pregnant in the inbetween months… Because we have a trip out East planned for September, and I don’t want to be in my first trimester for it.

Which means another 4 months of ‘not’ trying.  And let me tell you, I miss my birth control pills – between my skin going psycho for two weeks out of the month and the horrendous cramps and longer periods, I’m just about done with this no pills thing.  I didn’t realize how well they were working till I stopped.

Here’s hoping this month is our month! :)

Charts and Graphs

Last month we decided that my last pack of birth control pills, well, would be my last.  Which means that yesterday, when I was set to start a new pack – I didn’t.  I’m officially off the pill.

I’m excited (I hate the little suckers), but also a little anxious.  I wonder what effects it will have on my cycle – if I’ll lose the predictability of every fourth Monday.  I also wonder what effect it’ll have on my skin – if I’ll start breaking out again, or if finally at 26 acne will be something of the past.

I’m also a tad anxious because, while I’m off the pill now, we do not plan to start trying to conceive till late spring.  Which gives us a good 3 or 4 months where we need to be careful.

So, for the first time in our marriage, contraception has become an issue. 

Given my predisposition to bladder infections and the like, I’m a little wary of female contraceptives.  The husband prefers not to use condoms — and, besides that, they are ridiculously expensive.  Well, maybe not, but at least in comparison to me being on the pill, which would equal $0 after insurance.  We picked up a pack anyways yesterday, and they come to $0.75 a condom, which adds up quick.

All this led me to research natural family planning.  And to buy a basal thermometer.  And to research charting and graphing.

All complicated, time-consuming stuff. 

But, I also found another option, the Standard Days Method*, which basically means that if you have a 26 to 32 day cycle, you abstain from day 8 to 19 of your cycle.  Which seems like an awful lot of abstaining… but at least it should work till I figure out the rest of this charting and temperature taking business.

Any one have any experience or helpful information on natural family planning?

* Unfortunately, WordPress is being a pain in the a**, and won’t let me link to the website with information on Standard Days Method, so here it is: http://www.irh.org/?q=content/standard-days-method-sdm

A confession…

I have a confession to make.  I feel unsure about saying this out loud on here – fear of shame and shunning, I guess.  But, this is my little corner, so, here goes it…

We want a girl.

For a firstborn.

My husband, especially, is determined (and very very hopeful) that we have a girl first.  And, for the second, he would like either a girl or boy.

To clarify: we would absolutely be head over heels in love with a son OR daughter.  But, if we had a choice, we would want to have a girl first.

So, is it wrong to try and tip the scales in our favor?

The What-Ifs

“And we can sell our house and drive down and live in Brazil.  I’ll be Ricardo.  Your name can be… Miranda…” 

I interrupt my husband in the middle of his plan to flee our current life and ask him why his ‘imaginary’ futures never seem to have children in it. 

His response was to ask me why mine never involve just the two of us.  Why I don’t want it to be just him and me?

I was quite effectively silenced (though I’m not sure that was his intent).

It brought to surface one of my greatest fears – making the wrong decision on whether or not to have a child.  Especially because it is mostly my decision – it is something my husband is willing to do because I want it – and not because it’s his lifelong dream to be a father.  I love just the two of us, but I want a baby of our own.  He loves just the two of us but he says he’ll be happy with expanding our little family, if I’m happy.    

But I worry that he’ll resent me for this huge change to our lives.

And, I worry that I’ll be resentful if we don’t make this change.
 

A Monster…

I do not want to feel this way.  I hate myself for it.

I often wonder – what kind of person am I, to be sad for myself when I should be happy for others?

But the jealousy claws at me.  It shreds my insides trying to get out, trying to show itself behind the mask of a smile and the cheerful congratulations. 

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

The jealousy is a monster.  A stupid green-eyed little monster that crouches inside me at all times, waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce and be released.

And, he is getting stronger.

With every announced pregnancy, he gains strength against me. I constantly battle him – my insides are raw from his battle to burst forth unwelcome.

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

My husband asks, “What can I do to make you happy?  You are always so sad.”

But I am happy.   I am.  I am blessed – with a wonderful husband, a great family, friends I can count on, a good job, a beautiful home.  I am happy.

But there are moments when the jealousy peeks out.  He finds a foothold to climb out. 

I want just one more thing.  Something I’ve been promised – but have been asked to wait a little longer for…

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

Patience has never been a strong suit of mine, but I am willing to wait for this one thing.  This child of mine who will come when he or she is ready – when we are ready… I can wait. 

The jealousy taunts me – ‘You are a fool,” he says.  “You cannot wait.”

”I can wait – I can enjoy the moments now,” I scream back.

But he is clawing at me, taunting me.  And, his ugly head peeks out again – and my smile fades and tears roll down my cheeks.

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

This post is inspired by The Red Dress Club promt: Write about jealousy… Ending my self-imposed silence on the subject. Hop over to read some wonderful posts…

And, as always, constructive critisicm is welcome.. :)

Growing Your Family (Guest Post)

I’m so excited today to introduce to you my first ever guest blogger, Leah from Far From Perfect MaMMa.  Leah is a mom to an almost one year old daughter “Pule” and step-mom to a 17-year-old daugther.  She’s new to the blogging world and talks about motherhood, marriage to a Samoan husband, and raising a bi-racial daughter, among other things.  Please make her feel welcome :)

Growing Your Family

Thank you to the Undomestic Housewife for this opportunity to be a guest on her blog.  Us blogger MaMMas must unite and support one another!  Stay tuned, she may make an appearance on my blog as well!

This is one of those blogs where I know what I want to say, but I am not sure how to start. Okay, I think I will start with just introducing myself to you as I am new to most of you.  I also don’t like long blogs, I tend to avoid them myself.  I am warning you, so go refill your coffee, tea, wine, drink of choice. I can wait!

Just a month ago I started blogging.  Mostly because I am not good at keeping a journal for my “Pule” (just-turned-1, baby girl).  I have one , but only have about 5 entries for one year.  NOT GOOD!  That is what started me thinking about blogging.  I am a WAHM and am on the computer almost 70% of my work day.  I also realized that I may have quite a bit to say in regards to raising a bi-racial daughter, as well as being a step-mom for a 17 year old daughter.  The cultural differences between Americans and Samoans is quite vast.  Fortunately I had spent some time living in Hawaii, as well as spending time with my parents in New Zealand with the Maori.  The Pacific Island cultures are all different, but similar in many ways too.  Their large families are only one small representation of their large hearts.  Very giving and rich people.  Not with money, but with love.
 
My “MM” (husband) and I discussed having children before we were married.  His sister had 6 children at the time (now 7) and I knew small families were hard to come by.  Birth control was not really something they considered.  I was already 36 when we married so I knew that if we were going to do something it shouldn’t be something to take our time with.  I was at a place in life where I had given up the idea of being a mom as I was not sure if I would ever be a wife.  I had become quite happy with my independence, Thank you very much.
 
We both agreed that while MM would take 12 or 14 sets of little legs running around, I would prefer to not have any.  We would wait for a year after getting married before we would talk about it.  We are people who trust in God and when the one year mark passed we did just that.  I was okay with allowing God to take control, so I let go of the control.  You can read more about that here if you would like. 
 
I have been fortunate that not many people have asked me if there will be more.  I am not ready to answer that.  I will say that about 6 months ago I was certainly at the point of  “I’m done!”.  For quite a variety of reasons: after birth complications, painful sciatica during my pregnancy, fears…upon fears…upon fears (more on that later), and finances.   And of course the question remained…is having another baby even an option physically for us?  That last one is easy as it is not in our hands to control.

What are my fears? 
·         The next one will be a terror.  I have a perfect baby right now(emphasis intended), don’t disrupt that!
·         I can barely handle one, now I should consider the responsibility of two? Hmph!
·         The after-birth issues. At the time, these seemed to be more of an issue that the pregnancy. I wont go into the gory details here, but I had a hard time with a variety of issues.
·         Finances. Can we afford it? Being a SAHM trying to build my business as a WAHM is slow going and will be even slower with two!
·         What it all sums up into: THE UNKNOWN (thank you MM for reminding me)

Have you been at this point? What did you do?

Sacrifice. That’s what it really comes down to. The fact that I told myself a long time ago, if I have one I will have more.  More for their sake than for anything else.  I would also do it for my husband.  He would love to have a boy. 
 
If  I step back…hold on a second cause I cannot keep typing and step back at the same time…and look at my fears from a distance….Oh yea, thanks for the reminder: they are only a phase, a small portion of time that will morph into another season of time.  Isn’t this how life works?  Why am I being so fearful and selfish about it?  Okay, here comes the guilt. Blah!  Here is my other reminder: Marriage and having children are the only two permanent things in life (at least in my perspective).  Those fears above are not.  Get over it MaMMa.
 
In case you are wondering…we still haven’t decided to pull the plug (LITERALLY!), and if you know me/us …sorry, no big announcement…
 
Thank you again Undomestic Housewife for this opportunity.  We are both new to the blogging world and welcome your comments/thoughts/luv.  Being open and honest is a very vulnerable thing.  Sort of like undressing yourself.  We do it for the benefit of you, our faithful readers. Maybe you have been encouraged to know you are not alone.  I know I was!  Please stop by and introduce yourself.  Would love to meet you: Far From Perfect MaMMa.

Thank you for being my first guest-poster Leah.  Please go visit her site now and welcome her to the blogging world. :)

Mrs. WorryWart

Image by Robert Bruce Murray III // Sort Of Natural via Flickr

My husband and I have a lot of common… but we’re also very different in some ways.

One big way we’re different: our thoughts on planning and the future.

I like planning.  I like knowing what is going to happen, or what might happen.  I like having a plan in place, especially when we’re talking about major life changes, such as buying a house, or having a child…. Or even things like future vacations.  I like talking about the plan.  I worry and fuss, but it helps me to pass the time and think a little less about how impatient I truly am.

AMP’s most common response to my talking is, “that’s a long ways a way.”  It doesn’t matter if it’s a month or six months or five years away – most of the time I get the same response.  Which is fine.  Everyone is different.

But, then all these thoughts and questions get stuck swirling around my head, to drive me crazy. 

Like now.

Months and months ago, AMP agreed that we could start trying for a baby next spring.  Originally with the thought of a January baby; however, the more I read blogs and articles I realize that getting pregnant may not be as ‘easy’ as I may have originally thought.  So, I have all these worries swirling around: what if it takes me a year to get pregnant?  What if I miscarry again?  What if I can’t get pregnant?  How far are we willing to go to have a baby? 

And I’m sure if I insisted, AMP would talk about it, but it would be so under duress that it’ll just get me more frustrated.

So, next month I’ll speak to my gynecologist about my plans to get pregnant next spring and ask her questions like, how far in advance should I get off the pill, how can I ready my body for a pregnancy, etc.  At least someone will be willing to give me answers.

How are you and your husband different?  How did your husband feel about starting a family?

Sidelines, part I

I have two “sidelines” posts in my drafts – waiting for me to sift through the words and edit them.  While not the same, they are different parts of each other – of my personality.  Here is part one. 

Sidelines, part I

When I was a little kid I used to love being on the sidelines – watching but not actively participating.  It was so easy.  So stress free. 
I knew that if I wanted to, I could jump in anytime.  But, I was content where I was. 

I was content. 

I realize lately that being on the sidelines requires a lot of waiting around, a lot of patience.  Patience is a quality I already have in short supply.  I don’t know when I started to become less patient; perhaps with the onset of adolescence?  It seems like around then I had lost my patience, and gained envy.

I found cards my ex wrote me.  I was 17 at the time and a couple of the cards made reference to my lack of patience, where he decided to remind me that ‘patience is a virtue.’  Even though his next sentence was, “I know how much you hate that saying.”  Guess I don’t need reminders of why I dumped him…

Anyways, back to the topic at hand…

When I realized that I couldn’t jump in anytime, I started to hate the sidelines, and became envious – envious of ones in relationships, envious of friends and cousins getting engaged and getting married.  Five cousins got married before me, two of them younger than me.  When AMP and I were dating, we were ones of the last in our social group to get married, though we were older and in some cases, together longer.  

And, I began to feel the pangs of impatience and envy.

Then we got married, and all was right in the world. 

Right?

No, because then came babies.

And, for a while I was content to sit on the sidelines.  I didn’t even think I wanted a kid at all. 

And then, Mini-Principessa was born. 

And, I fell in love, hard.  I wanted my own little one.  I wanted to be a mommy.  I wanted to see AMP and myself in our own little person we could raise and love.

But, I couldn’t just jump in. 

Because, it’s not all about me; it’s not just my decision because it will change both our lives dramatically. 

So, I’m on the sidelines…waiting.  And everyday I hear of someone else getting pregnant.  And I’m jealous and envious over here on the sidelines. 

Waiting.  Waiting for when I can jump in and join.

I’m not good at waiting.

And, I still hate being told ‘Patience is a virtue.’ 

Careful what you ask…

Me:          “Babe, what is one thing I do that drives you crazy?”

from www.psychologytoday.com

AMP:        “Um…nothing.”

Me:          “No, really… What do I do that drives you crazy?”

AMP:       “Nothing, you are perfect.”  He says this with complete sincerity – a testament to 3 year of training marriage.

Me:                “Seriously, it’s one of the Writing Workshop prompts for this week so I need you to tell me what I do that drives you crazy so I know what to write about.”

AMP:       “You don’t do anything to drive me crazy.  You are amazing.”

Exasperated sigh on my end, but I decide not to push it.  A few minutes later…

AMP:       “You could write about how it drives me crazy how you can’t sleep with the light on, so I can’t read at night.”

Me:          “There you go, I told you that you could come up with one thing!”

AMP:       “Or how it drives me crazy that you leave your basket of shampoos and stuff in the shower.”

Me:                “Um…ok.”

AMP:       “Or how it drives me crazy that your clothes are all over the floor and all over the dresser.  Or how you sleep-in all the time.”

Me:      “I think I liked your original answer best.”

Before

Before I got married, I had these ideas.  I had ideas of what married life would be life.  I had ideas of how I would be as a wife.  I had ideas of how we would be as a couple.

Before I got married, I thought we would sleep every night cuddled up – like you see on the movies, or on mattress commercials.  I thought we’d fall asleep each night spooning, and wake up in each other’s arms.

On our wedding night, I realized that sleeping close to a person is not my thing.  I can remain cuddled up to AMP for about ten seconds before I need to shift around or flip my pillow over to the cold side.  I drive the poor man crazy.  In the 3 years we’ve been married, I’ve only managed to fall asleep cuddled to him and wake up that way twice, both occasions being mid-afternoon naps…

Before I got married, I thought I could handle being a great housewife.  That I would have a cleaning schedule that I would stick to, that I would learn to cook fabulous, well planned meals.  That I could become a morning person like AMP.

In the first year of marriage, I realized that I suck at domesticity.  Although I’m decent at cleaning, I can’t stick to a schedule and am always having to do major clean ups as I’ve left things around me to fall into complete disarray.  I realized that cooking is not my area of expertise, at all.  I realized that for me being a morning person is impossible.  That I need 2 to 3 hours of sleep more a night than AMP – and waking up is never something I’ll do ‘gracefully.’

Before I got married, I thought we’d be the couple who got up together every morning and had breakfast together.  I thought we’d be the couple who ate dinner sitting at the table.  I thought we’d be the couple who did everything together and exuded love and happiness.

In our three years of marriage, I realized that having breakfast together every morning requires me giving up sleep that I desperately need.  So we have breakfast together most weekends, but never during the week.    We eat dinner while watching television.  And, while we do a lot together, we definitely don’t do everything together.   

Before I got married, I thought marriage should be a certain way.

In three years I realized everyone’s marriage is different… and what we have works for us. 

Before I got married, I thought I would never love AMP more than I already did.

In three years I’ve realized that I fall a bit more in love with him every day.