We’re a sports household

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I grew up in a home where the only sport worth watching was soccer (can you tell I’m Italian?).  Growing up sports was something that happened every four years.

In my home sports is now an everyday occurrence – we watch everything – well, except for basketball, cricket, and boxing.  SportsCentral is the default channel on our TV.

The big three are: football, hockey and curling.

Football is my favorite.

Hockey I like well enough.

Curling – I can’tstand…but, well, that’s just me. 

Hm… where was I going with this? Oh yes, my TV has been hijacked.

Do you know what I love about football?  That all games are limited to maximum two days in a week; during football season, I know not to make plans on all Sundays and most Thursdays, until playoff seasons.  Playoffs last a month, but again are limited to two days: Saturdays and Sundays.

Hockey, on the other hand, is always on.  The teams seem to play every second night – and we apparently watch games that our team isn’t
even playing in.  And, then playoffs come around – and that’s when the TV becomes completely hijacked.  For what seems like months.

On the bright side, hockey gives me guilt free laptop time from the comfort of my couch, with the game playing in the background and my husband sitting close by!  :)

And, plus, I’d take hockey over curling any day.

Are there any sports that drive you crazy?

Guilt & Jealousy & Happiness & Thank Yous

In nine very short days we will have reached the end of 2010 and the beginning of 2011.  I can’t believe how fast this year has flown by – and what a hard year it’s been.  I’ve really struggled this year – emotionally.  The other night, I asked AMP if I could just hibernate for a while – hide away from everyone and everything – pretend we’re away on vacation if anyone comes looking.  I’m not sure he’s going for it.

I think I’ve overwhelmed him.  On the weekend, I broke down and confessed all my frustrations with him – the worry about the debt, my feelings of inadequacy in many areas of life, my obsession with having a baby – everything.  I’d been bottling it up because I didn’t want to make him feel bad, or guilty, about not being able to give me what I want right now.  But, I reached a breaking point, and it all came tumbling out.  And, I felt better momentarily, but sure enough, the feelings of guilt surrounded me. 

And, this was even before Principessa told me she’s pregnant. 

I read an article a little while ago that claimed that we can’t ever truly be happy for other people because human nature dictates that if someone is doing better than us, we will become jealous.  Being the reluctant owner of a jealous personality – I thought maybe it’s true.  But, I realized it’s not.  I’m truly happy for Principessa and all my other friends, blogging and real-life who are expecting or are planning on starting to try or have welcomed a little one in their lives.  I am happy for them.  I am excited to meet my new little niece or nephew – to watch how Mini-Principessa adapts to being a big sister…

My desire to have that for myself (I was looking for a nicer way of saying jealousy!), doesn’t negate my happiness for others.  I am still happy for them.  I am just sad for me. 

I’m not sure if that even makes any sense…

But, I am truly grateful for this little space in the blogesphere where I can come to laugh or cry – where I’ve found a group of supportive women who write words that make me smile when I am down.

Next year, I promise to try and be more upbeat – but in the meantime, I wanted to thank all of you who come by and read my thoughts and take a moment to let me know I’m not alone and that you care.  I’m not sure what I would do without your encouragement.

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday.

missing therapy

I’m still alive!  I feel like I’ve been gone forever.  The past couple weeks I’ve spent holed up at the office at the receptionist desk, working full-time instead of my normal part-time routine, and have not been able to write or check on any of my favorite blogs, or respond to any of the comments left for me.  I apologize dearly.

It’s funny what abstaining from writing does to my mood.  It’s been atrocious lately.  I haven’t had my outlet to vent, de-stress..  I feel bad for my poor husband, he doesn’t know what to do or say anymore.  He keeps asking me what’s wrong, what he can do… But, I don’t even know what’s wrong with me.  I feel…. down.  The littlest things make me cry.  And stupid things irritate me more than they should…  And I can’t always whine to AMP about them… He’s sensitive when I complain about his brother – who is driving me absolutely up the wall, as usual.  He’s always in the way.. His laptop is broken - so he’s spent all his time on the only other computer in the house (which is another reason I haven’t posted).  Then, tonight, just as AMP and I were going to watch a movie, he decides he’s going to switch to playing video games on the TV.  But, of course, I’m just being bitchy.  I’m a horrendous sister-in-law.  I’m mean.  I’m selfish.  I’m grumpy. 

In reality, I’m just exhausted.  I’m exhausted from getting up early every morning for the past 2 weeks and working all day doing one of my least favorite things, answering phones.  I’m exhausted from being sad – about the miscarriage, about all the pregnant people around me, about this ridiculous obsession desire to have a baby.  I’m tired of having my brother-in-law live with us.   I’m tired of having allergies and headaches.  I’m tired of renovating.  I’m tired of my inability to get to the gym – to be able to look the way I want.  I’m tired of being such a disorganized mess.  I’m tired of not being the perfect wife I want to be.  I’m tired of being the terrible daughter and sister – the one slowly being replaced by the new sister-in-law to be.  I’m tired of being grumpy.  I’m just tired.

I wish this was the kind of tired that I could just sleep off.  Go to bed tonight and sleep in till noon tomorrow, and wake up and be better – happier, less down.  I wish I could do it for AMP, because I’m tired of my mood making him sad.  Hopefully I snap out of this soon..  At the very least, I promise to make the next posts upbeat.. I just needed a moment…

“but it’s different when it’s your life…”

All You Did Was Save My Life by Our Lady Peace is my new ‘on repeat’ song.  

It makes me think of the internal battle of wanting a child I’m facing.  I’m sure millions of women go through it.  I’m sure millions of men are just as adamant as A that they don’t want children (or at least not right now!).  I read it in blogs I follow or in magazine articles.  I read how you should discuss this before you get married and so on.

But we did discuss it before we got married.  I was just as adamant as A that I didn’t want to have kids.  I can’t believe I succeeded in fooling myself.  I love kids.  I do.  And maybe at 21, I didn’t think I’d ever be ready to have one, but as I near the dreaded quarter-of-a-century mark, I can’t get rid of this desire.

A suggested we move, to get away from all the babies.  I don’t understand how he thinks that could solve it.  There’ll still be babies everywhere.  In the supermarket, in the mall, on TV.  And then, what are we going to do when my cousins start having more babies?  Perhaps if we move into a bubble?! 

I wish I could switch this off, but I can’t.  It’s obsessive.  It’s not like my fleeting desire to have a puppy everytime I see an adorable one walking down the street.  That goes away in about 10 mins.  This haunts me even when I’m alone, when there are no babies around.  This haunts me at night and in the mornings, when nothing should make me think of a baby.  I gravitate towards books with baby themes, mommy blogs… Even if I cut that all out, should I cut out my favorite shows as well?  Last night we watched the episode of “The Office” where Pam has her baby.  At the scene outside the hospital, I almost burst into tears, but managed to someone hide it from A.  I don’t understand this.  I want it to be gone.

Too many boys…

There seems to be way too many boys in my house at any given moment.  As far as I knew, I had only agreed to live with one.. Now there’s 2 of the adult variety.  Plus the ones who randomly visit and abduct my TV for video gaming purposes.

I just want to have the house to myself again.  Well, with A, of course.  Even though at the moment I’m truly frustrated.

This morning he had the gall to be upset at my comment about the “hours he spends on video games.”  His reaction indicated he thought the term “hours” was ludicrous.  This after staying up till 1 am last night to play with his brother and mine and spending at least 2 hours playing this morning.  Oh, and he started playing again with the arrival of his friend a couple hours ago.  So clearly I was completely wrong in my statement…

And he wonders why I’m upset… I’m ready for some of the quiet evenings we spent the two of us… Not this new bother of always having someone else about.  If this is the way it is to be, I might as well have a child now, seeing as he/she could not interrupt A & my time together any more than the rest of the male species that surround me.

the undomestic housewife