Guilt & Jealousy & Happiness & Thank Yous

In nine very short days we will have reached the end of 2010 and the beginning of 2011.  I can’t believe how fast this year has flown by – and what a hard year it’s been.  I’ve really struggled this year – emotionally.  The other night, I asked AMP if I could just hibernate for a while – hide away from everyone and everything – pretend we’re away on vacation if anyone comes looking.  I’m not sure he’s going for it.

I think I’ve overwhelmed him.  On the weekend, I broke down and confessed all my frustrations with him – the worry about the debt, my feelings of inadequacy in many areas of life, my obsession with having a baby – everything.  I’d been bottling it up because I didn’t want to make him feel bad, or guilty, about not being able to give me what I want right now.  But, I reached a breaking point, and it all came tumbling out.  And, I felt better momentarily, but sure enough, the feelings of guilt surrounded me. 

And, this was even before Principessa told me she’s pregnant. 

I read an article a little while ago that claimed that we can’t ever truly be happy for other people because human nature dictates that if someone is doing better than us, we will become jealous.  Being the reluctant owner of a jealous personality – I thought maybe it’s true.  But, I realized it’s not.  I’m truly happy for Principessa and all my other friends, blogging and real-life who are expecting or are planning on starting to try or have welcomed a little one in their lives.  I am happy for them.  I am excited to meet my new little niece or nephew – to watch how Mini-Principessa adapts to being a big sister…

My desire to have that for myself (I was looking for a nicer way of saying jealousy!), doesn’t negate my happiness for others.  I am still happy for them.  I am just sad for me. 

I’m not sure if that even makes any sense…

But, I am truly grateful for this little space in the blogesphere where I can come to laugh or cry – where I’ve found a group of supportive women who write words that make me smile when I am down.

Next year, I promise to try and be more upbeat – but in the meantime, I wanted to thank all of you who come by and read my thoughts and take a moment to let me know I’m not alone and that you care.  I’m not sure what I would do without your encouragement.

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday.

book therapy

I’ve debated spending the $150.00 an hour to pay someone to listen to me whine… I mean vent.  After all, if they are being paid, they can’t exactly roll their eyes at me, or just tune me out.  Therapists are usually expected to come up with something intelligent in response too.  It’s tempting…

But, then, I think about all the clothes and books I could buy with $150.00, and well… I have my own method of therapy.

Since I was a little girl, I’ve always had the same way of coping when life got to be too much.  I’d escape to my room, shut the door, pick up a book and lose myself.  There’s something about being lost in someone else’s world – where my world has melted away, and nothing is expected of me.  It’s addictive.  And, it just about always makes me feel better…

And on the rare occasions it doesn’t, all I need is a pen to spill my thoughts, to chase out the words churning in my mind, so that I can close my eyes and dream – and wake up in the morning to start a new day. 

Inspired by prompt no. 1) What’s your therapy? over at Josie’s Writing Workshop

Just a little bit of me…

After this post, I decided I had to get a Writing Workshop post done.  It’s therapeutic for me.  It’s healthy.  And right now it’s best for me to think of something else.

I’ve read the prompts over and over and over.

I could talk about feeling sexy, but that is nothing of my doing.  The way my husband looks at me, the way he touches me – that is what makes me feel sexy.  This despite my losing battle with the scale.  This despite the fact that the reflection in the mirror is not yet what I wish…But when he looks at me, I forget all that.

Depression – I’m not depressed.  I’m sad.  I’m in mourning.  But, I am not depressed.  I am thankful for that.  I feel for the millions of people worldwide who suffer.

Being first – being selfish.  At last a prompt that resonates with me. 

I’m not selfless.  I am not.  I would never say that about myself.  But I find I spend so much time doing stuff for others, that I push things I want aside.  My mother wants me to go visit, so I don’t go to the gym.  My cousin needs help with paperwork, so I spend afternoons and evenings cursing her father’s company.  I enjoy visiting, and I’m happy to help, but my time is all sucked up.  My energy is gone.  And, then, I still have to get home and cook and clean up and do the laundry and so on and so forth.  At night, I feel guilty for what I didn’t accomplish.

And all this helping and visiting is selfish – it’s because I want to be useful.  I want to be loved.  I want to be wanted… Not necessarily the most healthy way to be selfish, I guess.

But all this guilt and running around has forced me to come to a decision… Starting from September I’m going to be more selfish – in a healthy way.  At the beginning of each week I’ll make a list of what must get done that week, and those will be my priorities.  All other things, except emergencies, will just have to wait. And once a month, I’m going to take a whole day off and just focus on me.  Maybe just sit and read all day.  Or go shopping.  Or blog and read blogs all day. Or treat myself to a manicure or pedicure – who knows, but it’ll be my day.  And I won’t feel guilty – even if I choose to sleep the whole day away. Just a little bit of guilt-free me-time.

I think that if I manage to reach my goals for once, I will be happier.  I will be more organized, less stressed, and less frazzled.  Perhaps… Perhaps in being selfish, I will be a greater help and support to my family and friends.  Perhaps by being selfish, I will become the person I want to be.

Perhaps…

 

This post is inspired by Josie’s Writing Workshop.

Emotionally Emotional

I scoured in vain.  Overwhelmed is not an actual emotion.  I think that isn’t fair.  After all, I am feeling overwhelmed.  That is my emotional state. 

I want to be poetic – I want to be the type of writer that people will want to read – but how do I beautify stress?  I see some do it – and it reiterates an important fact – I am not a writer.  I could never survive in the world of writing.  I can write passively well – but that is all.  It saddens me that I have no outstanding talents – I can do many things well or well enough, but there is nothing I can do amazingly.

But, I digress.  This overwhelming-ness is consuming me.  There are so many goals I wanted to reach this year and as of yet, have accomplished none.  I am no better of a cook or housekeeper.  I am no more organized.  I am no more healthier or in better shape than I was 4 months ago.

I am overwhelmed by my failure.

I want to state a new goal – but I do not want any more goals to fail at.  Instead I will take pleasure in small accomplishments, the small accomplishments of today.  Optimism after all is better for my state of mind.

And perhaps, by the end of this year, some of the goals will be reached and this silly thing called life will not be so overwhelming.

 

Inspired by prompt no. 5 – Pick an emotion that best describes your state of mind right now.