Sometimes sharing is better

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For the first 22 years of my life, I slept alone.

I could stretch myself out, end-to-end, of the queen size bed I received when I was fourteen.

There were no obstacles in my way, except for the occasion stuffed animal, or visiting cousin.

blankets were all mine to hoard; the room temperature mine to control.

And, then I was married.

I remember, that first night in the hotel room, when my brand-new husband fell asleep before I did, thinking about how strange it felt to be sharing a bed with someone – a bed I will now share forever.  I wondered if he would steal my blankets; if he would turn the light off before falling asleep; if we’d sleep cuddled or each on our sides.

I remember wondering, how long till it seemed normal, to be sharing my bed every night – after 8,030 solitary nights.

I remember wondering, if I’d cherish the moments when the bed was all mine, for a single night – where I could sleep on any side of the bed I chose – or spread across all of it.

And, then my husband went away for the first time – for a bachelor party for two nights just a couple of months after we were married.

I jumped into bed – ready to spread myself out – to enjoy the freedom of not sharing a bed – and I was overwhelmed by the emptiness of it. 

What I once cherished – now I despised.  I missed my husband being inches away from me.  I missed his warmth, the sounds of his breathing… I missed sharing my bed, even just for a night or two.

For the first 22 years of my life, I slept alone.

For the last 3 ½ years I’ve shared a bed.

I think I prefer sharing.

The

Before

Before I got married, I had these ideas.  I had ideas of what married life would be life.  I had ideas of how I would be as a wife.  I had ideas of how we would be as a couple.

Before I got married, I thought we would sleep every night cuddled up – like you see on the movies, or on mattress commercials.  I thought we’d fall asleep each night spooning, and wake up in each other’s arms.

On our wedding night, I realized that sleeping close to a person is not my thing.  I can remain cuddled up to AMP for about ten seconds before I need to shift around or flip my pillow over to the cold side.  I drive the poor man crazy.  In the 3 years we’ve been married, I’ve only managed to fall asleep cuddled to him and wake up that way twice, both occasions being mid-afternoon naps…

Before I got married, I thought I could handle being a great housewife.  That I would have a cleaning schedule that I would stick to, that I would learn to cook fabulous, well planned meals.  That I could become a morning person like AMP.

In the first year of marriage, I realized that I suck at domesticity.  Although I’m decent at cleaning, I can’t stick to a schedule and am always having to do major clean ups as I’ve left things around me to fall into complete disarray.  I realized that cooking is not my area of expertise, at all.  I realized that for me being a morning person is impossible.  That I need 2 to 3 hours of sleep more a night than AMP – and waking up is never something I’ll do ‘gracefully.’

Before I got married, I thought we’d be the couple who got up together every morning and had breakfast together.  I thought we’d be the couple who ate dinner sitting at the table.  I thought we’d be the couple who did everything together and exuded love and happiness.

In our three years of marriage, I realized that having breakfast together every morning requires me giving up sleep that I desperately need.  So we have breakfast together most weekends, but never during the week.    We eat dinner while watching television.  And, while we do a lot together, we definitely don’t do everything together.   

Before I got married, I thought marriage should be a certain way.

In three years I realized everyone’s marriage is different… and what we have works for us. 

Before I got married, I thought I would never love AMP more than I already did.

In three years I’ve realized that I fall a bit more in love with him every day.

Over the moon…and rough landing

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It’s funny how silly humans can be… Specifically, how silly I can be.

I spent a lot of time contemplating and plotting how to convince AMP that we should have children – that it was ok to renege on our ‘childless’ deal.  For a long time I was unsuccessful.  And, then suddenly, he said, ‘one day.’  And recently, we’ve narrowed it down to spring of next year, we’ll begin trying.

I should be over the moon.

And I was am over the moon.

But, once I got over that stupid moon, I think I crash landed… And not gently.

Because now, I’m also scared.

Even petrified.

Do I know what I’m getting myself into?  Am I ready for sleepless nights?  And to give up ‘just us’ time?  And naked Sundays?  (Joking about that last one – we do wear clothes, most of the time, especially when we leave the house!).

And, do I have any idea what it means to be a mother?  Watching Supernanny and helping Principessa with Mini-Principessa does not qualify me as an expert in motherhood and child rearing.  Why would the universe let me have a little teeny tiny being, and leave me in control?

These are the thoughts that run through my head these days.

No more innocent dreams of baby nurseries, and little onesies - but worries about money, breastfeeding v. formula, delivery and labor…and preschool and highschool, and everything in-between…

And, I’m not even pregnant yet…

Please tell me this is normal.

all for love…

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I love sleeping.  Love it.  If I could sleep 14 hours a day, I would.  As I’ve tried to explain to AMP, I need at least 9 hours of sleep to function like a normal human being.  Unfortunately, getting to sleep early never seems to work out and I usually have about 7 to 8 hours sleep.  And, now, with AMP’s brother gone, I have to wake up to drive AMP to the nearest bus stop (a 40 minute walk).  And I don’t wake up gracefully.  I will whine and pout about waking up, and will take any excuse and any extra minute available to lay in bed a little longer. With that in mind, you might wonder what I was thinking when I promised AMP that I’d get up three times a week to be at the gym at 6 a.m.  That’s basically still the middle of the night, especially now that winter is upon us, and it doesn’t get light out till almost 8.

But, AMP is a morning person (apparently he only needs 5-6 hours sleep to function properly – show off!), and that is the only available time for him to go, so I promised I would make the sacrifice.  After all.. isn’t that what you do for people you love?!

That promise/sacrifice is proving a little harder than I thought.  With my brother’s wedding, and all the busy-ness of the last few weeks, we completely fell out of routine.  AMP asked me if it was possible to start the routine again, starting this past Monday.

Well, Monday was a bust, because AMP had a meeting at the downtown office, which is an hour away, opposed to his regular office which is 15 to 20 minutes away from the house.

Tuesday, I refused saying it was impossible on my workday.  I promised Wednesday morning I would get up. 

Wednesday morning – I conned him into sleeping in and cuddling, and then felt guilty the entire day.

Today!  I jumped out of bed while he was shaving, got dressed, and climbed back into bed till he was ready to go.  We were out the door a little later than we hoped, and didn’t get to work out as long as we should, but we made it out the door and to the gym (and still made it to our respective jobs on-time).   And, we’re going to try again tomorrow, and maybe at some point on the weekend so that we will have gone 3 times this week!

The great part about going in the middle of the night (it was still dark out!), is that by this time of the day, when I’m tired and want to just go home and relax, I can do so guilt-free, because going to the gym has already been scratched off my to-do list.  And, that makes me happy!  And AMP happy!  Which is all that matters.  And if forfeiting my all-too precious sleeping time to make him happy doesn’t prove I love him – I don’t know what does.

Now, for getting to bed a little earlier tonight to make up for the lost sleep…

Bears have it right…

Image by Jim Nix / Nomadic Pursuits via Flickr

Disclaimer:     Despite earlier promises to remain positive and upbeat, this post is definitely neither of the two, and instead a rant… So you’ve been warned.  Feel free to come back tomorrow for something a little less… Well…Whiny.

I’m tired.  Really tired.  Tired of not sleeping properly.  Tired of being short-tempered and arguing with AMP.  Tired of feeling like I’m acting like a b*t*h.  Tired of having the brother-in-law live with us.  Tired of his moodiness.  Tired of the disarray of my living room.  Tired of helping with my brother’s wedding.  Tired of working.  Tired of feeling like I have to please everyone.  Tired of being unable to please anyone.  Tired of the struggle of losing weight.  Tired of the never-disappearing debt.  Tired of waiting, for everything and anything.

I’m just plain tired.

I had a bit of a nervous breakdown last week.  I spent all of Wednesday evening in bed, crying uncontrollably, for no real apparent reason.  I just cried. 

I’m not even sure all the feelings bottled up inside me are logical – but I can’t push them away.  You’d think crying hysterically with big gulping sobs would make me feel better, but it doesn’t.

Last night, I did it again… Minus the gulping sobs, because well, I was trying to hide the fact that I’m crying like a hormonal teenager…

And I honestly think I might have been unfair to AMP, but in the moment, I couldn’t help myself, and well now, the damage is done.  We’ll be fine… But this morning we still were speaking in stilted conversations, partly due to the fact that I slept a total of 1 hour after all the tossing and turning and crying, and well, I was a little indignant (and jealous) that AMP fell asleep so easily, even though we’d had an argument.

But, regardless, I hate fighting; it gives me a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I know everything will be perfectly fine by tonight or tomorrow, where we’ll both break down and apologize again, and we’ll push this aside, but right now I’m still reeling from the strength of my own emotions.   I get so jumbled up inside, and I know that some of it is unfair, so I try and not let it bother me, but then it gets like last night, where I freak out over the dumbest thing, when really it’s just the tip of the iceberg of what I’m anxious/frustrated/tired of.

I think I just need a nap… one that lasts a few weeks, or maybe a month or two… I think the bears call that hibernation.

A Day in the Life of…

A Day in the Life of Undomestic

5:55 – Ugh… I hate this stupid alarm… Is AMP going to turn it off?  Yes, it’s off!  Ten more minutes of sleep, and then I’ll get up and go to the gym.

6:45 – Mm… ‘No, can’t see how you look from here’, ‘Yes, that’s clean’, ‘No, I won’t forget to feed the fish’, ‘Love you too, have a good day.’  Should get out of bed and go to the gym.  Mm… Maybe in 5 minutes

8:00 – Crap!  It’s 8.  Have to run!  In the shower – shave or don’t shave?  It’s sunny out… Definitely shave.  Stupid hair… Make up?  Definitely need it this morning… Hurry!

8:30 – Oops, that took longer.  Need to be out the door soon.  Wait!  Fish!  Need to feed them… No fish floating at the top = good day.  House is a disaster.  Need to set better rules for everyone about picking up after themselves.  Wait, I think I left that there…  Remember not to yell at boys!  Ask for help nicely.  So tired.  Breakfast?  Nothing quick.  Need to buy granola bars.  Forgot to pack a lunch.  Remember for tomorrow.

9:00 – Wow.  Actually made it on time. 

2:00 – Should go home and clean.  Wait, mom needs something.  ‘Yup, be right there.’  Re-routing.  Will only take half-an-hour, an hour at most.  Will be at the gym by 3, home by 4, Clean and have dinner on the table at exactly 5:30.  Make lasagna tonight?  With fresh bread and a salad?  And my house will be spotless! 

3:30 – Crap! Still here.  Should get going.  Need to go to the gym.  ‘Yup, I can wait a couple more minutes, but then I have to go.’

4:30 – AMP wants to be picked up.  It’s pouring, I feel bad making him wait for the bus.  Wasn’t it sunny earlier?  Crap!  Got nothing done today.  No gym!  Never going to fit into that dress.  Will go after dinner.  And then clean.  Oops, forgot to defrost the ground beef for the lasagna….

5:45 – Why does that stupid smoke detector have to go off every time I cook?!?!  Nothing is on fire!  Oh wait… The chicken nuggets are getting burnt…

6:15 – Ok, now to the gym?  In 15 minutes, when this show is done.

7:00 – Dilemma – Watch movie with AMP or clean?  AMP and movie definitely wins!  Maybe fold laundry during the movie? Does that count as productive and/or domestic?  No gym today.  Again.

9:45 – So tired.  Should go to bed and get up early tomorrow.  And then I can clean, go to the gym.  ‘Good night love.’ ‘Sure, I’ll stay and cuddle while you play video games. But only for a few minutes.’

10:30 – In bed.  Read?  Maybe a few pages – I want to know what happens next.  Will definitely be asleep by 11.

11:45 – Lights off!  So tired.  Wait… Wasn’t I supposed to make lunches for tomorrow?  Crap!  Maybe I’ll get up early tomorrow.

Next day
5:55 – Ugh… I hate this stupid alarm… Is AMP going to turn it off?  Yes, it’s off!  Ten more minutes of sleep, and then I’ll get up and go to the gym.

6:45 – Mm… ‘No, I won’t forget to feed the fish’, ‘Love you too, have a good day.’  Should get out of bed and go to the gym.  Mm… Maybe in 5 minutes

8:00 – Crap!  It’s 8.  Have to run!  In the shower.  Stupid hair… Make up?  Definitely need it this morning… Hurry!  Haven’t made lunch yet!  Run, Undomestic, Run!

See a pattern?  I’m completely incapable of managing my time wisely.  I tend to allow myself to be distracted.  I have the best of intentions. But, I want to make everyone happy… I want to be the perfect daughter who is always available when her parents need her.  I want to be the perfect wife – with dinner on the table and a spotless house when AMP gets home, as a thank you for only having to work 2 days a week.  I want to make a list each day and cross every item off, and not have them carry on for weeks.  I want to get to the gym 4x a week, and not have it interfere with the time I set aside to spend with AMP.  I want there to only ever be one load of laundry to be done, the powder room bathroom always in pristine condition, the living room and kitchen ‘show-home’ clean so I’m not embarrassed if anyone decides to stop by.

I want more time…but I’m afraid that I’ll squander it.  I need to be more organized.  I need to make the most of the time I have.  And I need to use it wisely!

 

This post is inspired by prompt no. 5: Time, at Sleep is For the Weak’s Writing Workshop.