“but it’s different when it’s your life…”

All You Did Was Save My Life by Our Lady Peace is my new ‘on repeat’ song.  

It makes me think of the internal battle of wanting a child I’m facing.  I’m sure millions of women go through it.  I’m sure millions of men are just as adamant as A that they don’t want children (or at least not right now!).  I read it in blogs I follow or in magazine articles.  I read how you should discuss this before you get married and so on.

But we did discuss it before we got married.  I was just as adamant as A that I didn’t want to have kids.  I can’t believe I succeeded in fooling myself.  I love kids.  I do.  And maybe at 21, I didn’t think I’d ever be ready to have one, but as I near the dreaded quarter-of-a-century mark, I can’t get rid of this desire.

A suggested we move, to get away from all the babies.  I don’t understand how he thinks that could solve it.  There’ll still be babies everywhere.  In the supermarket, in the mall, on TV.  And then, what are we going to do when my cousins start having more babies?  Perhaps if we move into a bubble?! 

I wish I could switch this off, but I can’t.  It’s obsessive.  It’s not like my fleeting desire to have a puppy everytime I see an adorable one walking down the street.  That goes away in about 10 mins.  This haunts me even when I’m alone, when there are no babies around.  This haunts me at night and in the mornings, when nothing should make me think of a baby.  I gravitate towards books with baby themes, mommy blogs… Even if I cut that all out, should I cut out my favorite shows as well?  Last night we watched the episode of “The Office” where Pam has her baby.  At the scene outside the hospital, I almost burst into tears, but managed to someone hide it from A.  I don’t understand this.  I want it to be gone.

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