Yesterday, I had my gynocologist visit. It was all going great – I got her to recommend a new birth control pill, the visit was not necessarily fun, but also not super painful either. Everything was going along swimmingly… Until I found out that sometime in the last month or two, I’ve managed to become pregnant with my first child, and miscarry it.
I didn’t expect to be as devastated as I am about it. After all, I didn’t know I was pregnant. I hadn’t begun to love this little being or plan for its arrival. I didn’t know about the baby at all, until after it was already gone. But, I feel so sad about this little one I will never meet. I feel like I’ve already proved to be a terrible mother – I couldn’t keep this poor defenseless child alive. I know that’s stupid to think that way. But I can’t help it. I can’t help mourning the death of a little person who will never be – my little person.