After this post, I decided I had to get a Writing Workshop post done. It’s therapeutic for me. It’s healthy. And right now it’s best for me to think of something else.
I’ve read the prompts over and over and over.
I could talk about feeling sexy, but that is nothing of my doing. The way my husband looks at me, the way he touches me – that is what makes me feel sexy. This despite my losing battle with the scale. This despite the fact that the reflection in the mirror is not yet what I wish…But when he looks at me, I forget all that.
Depression – I’m not depressed. I’m sad. I’m in mourning. But, I am not depressed. I am thankful for that. I feel for the millions of people worldwide who suffer.
Being first – being selfish. At last a prompt that resonates with me.
I’m not selfless. I am not. I would never say that about myself. But I find I spend so much time doing stuff for others, that I push things I want aside. My mother wants me to go visit, so I don’t go to the gym. My cousin needs help with paperwork, so I spend afternoons and evenings cursing her father’s company. I enjoy visiting, and I’m happy to help, but my time is all sucked up. My energy is gone. And, then, I still have to get home and cook and clean up and do the laundry and so on and so forth. At night, I feel guilty for what I didn’t accomplish.
And all this helping and visiting is selfish – it’s because I want to be useful. I want to be loved. I want to be wanted… Not necessarily the most healthy way to be selfish, I guess.
But all this guilt and running around has forced me to come to a decision… Starting from September I’m going to be more selfish – in a healthy way. At the beginning of each week I’ll make a list of what must get done that week, and those will be my priorities. All other things, except emergencies, will just have to wait. And once a month, I’m going to take a whole day off and just focus on me. Maybe just sit and read all day. Or go shopping. Or blog and read blogs all day. Or treat myself to a manicure or pedicure – who knows, but it’ll be my day. And I won’t feel guilty – even if I choose to sleep the whole day away. Just a little bit of guilt-free me-time.
I think that if I manage to reach my goals for once, I will be happier. I will be more organized, less stressed, and less frazzled. Perhaps… Perhaps in being selfish, I will be a greater help and support to my family and friends. Perhaps by being selfish, I will become the person I want to be.
This post is inspired by Josie’s Writing Workshop.