missing therapy

I’m still alive!  I feel like I’ve been gone forever.  The past couple weeks I’ve spent holed up at the office at the receptionist desk, working full-time instead of my normal part-time routine, and have not been able to write or check on any of my favorite blogs, or respond to any of the comments left for me.  I apologize dearly.

It’s funny what abstaining from writing does to my mood.  It’s been atrocious lately.  I haven’t had my outlet to vent, de-stress..  I feel bad for my poor husband, he doesn’t know what to do or say anymore.  He keeps asking me what’s wrong, what he can do… But, I don’t even know what’s wrong with me.  I feel…. down.  The littlest things make me cry.  And stupid things irritate me more than they should…  And I can’t always whine to AMP about them… He’s sensitive when I complain about his brother – who is driving me absolutely up the wall, as usual.  He’s always in the way.. His laptop is broken – so he’s spent all his time on the only other computer in the house (which is another reason I haven’t posted).  Then, tonight, just as AMP and I were going to watch a movie, he decides he’s going to switch to playing video games on the TV.  But, of course, I’m just being bitchy.  I’m a horrendous sister-in-law.  I’m mean.  I’m selfish.  I’m grumpy. 

In reality, I’m just exhausted.  I’m exhausted from getting up early every morning for the past 2 weeks and working all day doing one of my least favorite things, answering phones.  I’m exhausted from being sad – about the miscarriage, about all the pregnant people around me, about this ridiculous obsession desire to have a baby.  I’m tired of having my brother-in-law live with us.   I’m tired of having allergies and headaches.  I’m tired of renovating.  I’m tired of my inability to get to the gym – to be able to look the way I want.  I’m tired of being such a disorganized mess.  I’m tired of not being the perfect wife I want to be.  I’m tired of being the terrible daughter and sister – the one slowly being replaced by the new sister-in-law to be.  I’m tired of being grumpy.  I’m just tired.

I wish this was the kind of tired that I could just sleep off.  Go to bed tonight and sleep in till noon tomorrow, and wake up and be better – happier, less down.  I wish I could do it for AMP, because I’m tired of my mood making him sad.  Hopefully I snap out of this soon..  At the very least, I promise to make the next posts upbeat.. I just needed a moment…


3 thoughts on “missing therapy

  1. I know just where you’re at. I have been there before. And it sounds as if you just have a lot on your plate. I get like this when I am overwhelmed with everything I have to deal with at once.

    If you can, just try to pick one or two things to focus on…maybe getting more rest, getting to the gym, whatever is easy for you to tackle. I think (at least from my experience) if you can at least feel more in control & at ease about a couple things, it might make some of those less-under-your-control things (i.e. the brother-in-law) a little easier to tolerate.

    As for the baby…well, I can’t comment on the miscarriage. I’ve been fortunate enough to have not had that experience. Having had a child tho? I can imagine it’s really rough.

    I can understand the desire to have a baby. Just try to be patient. Babies change things completely & forever. Having a child? Changes your whole way of life. I would never trade my son for a non-kid existence, but there were a lot of things I didn’t appreciate before I was a parent. Sleeping. Being able to run errands whenever I wanted/needed to do them. Not having to worry about child care (& how obscenely expensive it is). Being able to watch a movie with swearing or boobs in it. Going on dates with my husband. Did I mention sleep?

    All of these things are sacrifices (or adjustments) totally worth making for my son. And I’m sure you’ll be ready to make them when it’s time for you guys. Try to take some joy in those things that will go away/change once you do have a baby…& maybe it’ll make it a little easier to wait.

    Besides…I could totally see your BIL doing something to wake the baby just when he/she started sleeping…& then you’ll be all crazy…and that would just be bad…. ;o)

  2. Awww! Thanks for your comment. You are right – I just need to focus on things I can control – like going to the gym and being healthy – and try not to worry about the other things.. I do love sleep – so I should be grateful for that right now.. It’s just been a tough year – not meaning that there haven’t been some awesome parts, but a lot of upheaval and adjustments that I’m clearly not taking to as well as I could. Thanks for your advice – it helps.. and you made me laugh with that last line! I could totally see that happening haha.

  3. *massive hugs* How I wish I could give some advice that would make it all better. I really don’t know what to say but that I know how you feel, I’ve been there, hang in there. Hope things improve soon.

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