I’m still alive! I feel like I’ve been gone forever. The past couple weeks I’ve spent holed up at the office at the receptionist desk, working full-time instead of my normal part-time routine, and have not been able to write or check on any of my favorite blogs, or respond to any of the comments left for me. I apologize dearly.
It’s funny what abstaining from writing does to my mood. It’s been atrocious lately. I haven’t had my outlet to vent, de-stress.. I feel bad for my poor husband, he doesn’t know what to do or say anymore. He keeps asking me what’s wrong, what he can do… But, I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I feel…. down. The littlest things make me cry. And stupid things irritate me more than they should… And I can’t always whine to AMP about them… He’s sensitive when I complain about his brother – who is driving me absolutely up the wall, as usual. He’s always in the way.. His laptop is broken – so he’s spent all his time on the only other computer in the house (which is another reason I haven’t posted). Then, tonight, just as AMP and I were going to watch a movie, he decides he’s going to switch to playing video games on the TV. But, of course, I’m just being bitchy. I’m a horrendous sister-in-law. I’m mean. I’m selfish. I’m grumpy.
In reality, I’m just exhausted. I’m exhausted from getting up early every morning for the past 2 weeks and working all day doing one of my least favorite things, answering phones. I’m exhausted from being sad – about the miscarriage, about all the pregnant people around me, about this ridiculous obsession desire to have a baby. I’m tired of having my brother-in-law live with us. I’m tired of having allergies and headaches. I’m tired of renovating. I’m tired of my inability to get to the gym – to be able to look the way I want. I’m tired of being such a disorganized mess. I’m tired of not being the perfect wife I want to be. I’m tired of being the terrible daughter and sister – the one slowly being replaced by the new sister-in-law to be. I’m tired of being grumpy. I’m just tired.
I wish this was the kind of tired that I could just sleep off. Go to bed tonight and sleep in till noon tomorrow, and wake up and be better – happier, less down. I wish I could do it for AMP, because I’m tired of my mood making him sad. Hopefully I snap out of this soon.. At the very least, I promise to make the next posts upbeat.. I just needed a moment…