I think I have to stop wanting a kid. It seems like in order for me to have a kid, I’d have to give up a lot – even more than just privacy and sleeping in and free time. I’d have to either give up owning a house and go back to renting, or I’d have to move 4 hours away from all my family and friends, right when I’d need them the most.
I’m in a “life is unfair” stomp-my-feet, crying kind of mood. It doesn’t seem fair that it has to be that kind of choice. The rest of the world (or a good number of them) makes it on one salary, owning a house, and having children – why can’t I? I’d even be willing to work, if it was from home, like watching another child, or running a daycare, or do bookkeeping from home. I just want to have my life the same – living 10 minutes away from my best friend, from my parents, and various other relatives and friends. I don’t want to move. I don’t even want to wait the 3 years AMP wants to wait, making me 28 and him 34. But, then to have to wait longer than I want, and to have to give up so much – I’m not sure I can handle that.
But that’s the downside to marrying an accountant – I should have realized that when I got married and he started making budget Excel sheets, and asking me to keep all my receipts for them to be entered – but alas, by then it was too late. I know we have some debt – and I know that it’ll probably take another few years to pay it off. But, I don’t see why, once it’s paid off, we couldn’t manage to live somewhat comfortably and still have a baby. One teeny tiny little baby…
Not that I’m trying to be unfair to my husband… I can see his points, and I know he likes to plan, so I can understand where he’s coming from. It’s not him I’m upset with – it’s life in general… The fact that houses in our area are expensive, that we bought a house that is a little too small for having kids and buying a bigger house is not something we can afford, or will be able to afford in the forseeable future.
So, maybe I’ll just have to go back to being the woman who cries when no one is looking, who gets sad whenever she sees a pregnant woman, and who will always have that ‘one’ child she lost – the day of its loss and the day it should have been born forever etched into her memory with nothing to supplant it.