Bears have it right…

Sleepy bear

Image by Jim Nix / Nomadic Pursuits via Flickr

Disclaimer:     Despite earlier promises to remain positive and upbeat, this post is definitely neither of the two, and instead a rant… So you’ve been warned.  Feel free to come back tomorrow for something a little less… Well…Whiny.

I’m tired.  Really tired.  Tired of not sleeping properly.  Tired of being short-tempered and arguing with AMP.  Tired of feeling like I’m acting like a b*t*h.  Tired of having the brother-in-law live with us.  Tired of his moodiness.  Tired of the disarray of my living room.  Tired of helping with my brother’s wedding.  Tired of working.  Tired of feeling like I have to please everyone.  Tired of being unable to please anyone.  Tired of the struggle of losing weight.  Tired of the never-disappearing debt.  Tired of waiting, for everything and anything.

I’m just plain tired.

I had a bit of a nervous breakdown last week.  I spent all of Wednesday evening in bed, crying uncontrollably, for no real apparent reason.  I just cried. 

I’m not even sure all the feelings bottled up inside me are logical – but I can’t push them away.  You’d think crying hysterically with big gulping sobs would make me feel better, but it doesn’t.

Last night, I did it again… Minus the gulping sobs, because well, I was trying to hide the fact that I’m crying like a hormonal teenager…

And I honestly think I might have been unfair to AMP, but in the moment, I couldn’t help myself, and well now, the damage is done.  We’ll be fine… But this morning we still were speaking in stilted conversations, partly due to the fact that I slept a total of 1 hour after all the tossing and turning and crying, and well, I was a little indignant (and jealous) that AMP fell asleep so easily, even though we’d had an argument.

But, regardless, I hate fighting; it gives me a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I know everything will be perfectly fine by tonight or tomorrow, where we’ll both break down and apologize again, and we’ll push this aside, but right now I’m still reeling from the strength of my own emotions.   I get so jumbled up inside, and I know that some of it is unfair, so I try and not let it bother me, but then it gets like last night, where I freak out over the dumbest thing, when really it’s just the tip of the iceberg of what I’m anxious/frustrated/tired of.

I think I just need a nap… one that lasts a few weeks, or maybe a month or two… I think the bears call that hibernation.

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