Not surprisingly, prompt 5 at Mama Kat’s resonated with me this week. The prompt is:
“Keep your face to the sunshine and you can not see the shadow” – Helen Keller. In what ways are you able to stay positive about something that sometimes brings you down?
I’ve written a lot about the miscarriage. I’m sure everyone’s tired of hearing about it, as I am tired of thinking about it. The words, though, bounce in my head, and they need an outlet. Especially now. My due date would have been November 5th – only a week and a half from now. As I watch the many pregnant women who surround me, and those who have just had their newborns, I can’t help but be sad – that should be me sharing ultrasound pictures, researching cribs, debating names, taking maternity photos, complaining about how impatient I am to have the baby here. But it’s not. And I have to learn to accept that.
I’m not a believer in destiny. I don’t think everything happens for a reason. I think that the scripture at Ecclesiastes 9:11 is true, ‘time and unforeseen occurrences befall us all.’ Losing the baby wasn’t a part of some master plan. But, it happened.
Right now. I’m going crazy with baby fever. I know part of it is the miscarriage, the other part is just me wanting to have a baby – to have a little being that’s half of me and half of AMP. But, that’s not an option right now. So, how am I going to stay positive?
By remembering that I have an amazing, kind, wonderful husband whom I absolutely adore – and he loves me more than anything in this world. By cherishing the moments we have together right now, without a baby. By strengthening our relationship before we take that giant leap. By doing all the things people complain about not being able to do once they have kids: sleeping in, lazy Sunday afternoons spent in bed, traveling just as a couple, getting into shape. By being the best me I can be, before I devote myself to being a mom… Before I put every ounce of energy into that little being.
I’m not over the miscarriage. I’m not over the desire to have a baby – but I’m more positive now. I’m positive that one day, AMP will be ready to have a child, or as ready as we can ever be. I’m positive that it’ll be better then, because he’ll be happy to hear the news, not shocked and sideswiped. And I’m positive that one day, I’ll hold a little baby in my arms, and it’ll be ours.