Facing the Sun

Helen Keller with horse

Helen Keller (via Wikipedia)

Not surprisingly, prompt 5 at Mama Kat’s resonated with me this week.  The prompt is:

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you can not see the shadow” – Helen Keller.  In what ways are you able to stay positive about something that sometimes brings you down?

I’ve written a lot about the miscarriage.  I’m sure everyone’s tired of hearing about it, as I am tired of thinking about it.  The words, though, bounce in my head, and they need an outlet.  Especially now.  My due date would have been November 5th – only a week and a half from now.  As I watch the many pregnant women who surround me, and those who have just had their newborns, I can’t help but be sad – that should be me sharing ultrasound pictures, researching cribs, debating names, taking maternity photos, complaining about how impatient I am to have the baby here.  But it’s not.  And I have to learn to accept that.

I’m not a believer in destiny.  I don’t think everything happens for a reason.  I think that the scripture at Ecclesiastes 9:11 is true, ‘time and unforeseen occurrences befall us all.’  Losing the baby wasn’t a part of some master plan.  But, it happened.

Right now. I’m going crazy with baby fever.  I know part of it is the miscarriage, the other part is just me wanting to have a baby – to have a little being that’s half of me and half of AMP.  But, that’s not an option right now.  So, how am I going to stay positive?

By remembering that I have an amazing, kind, wonderful husband whom I absolutely adore – and he loves me more than anything in this world.  By cherishing the moments we have together right now, without a baby.  By strengthening our relationship before we take that giant leap.  By doing all the things people complain about not being able to do once they have kids: sleeping in, lazy Sunday afternoons spent in bed, traveling just as a couple, getting into shape.  By being the best me I can be, before I devote myself to being a mom… Before I put every ounce of energy into that little being. 

I’m not over the miscarriage.  I’m not over the desire to have a baby – but I’m more positive now.  I’m positive that one day, AMP will be ready to have a child, or as ready as we can ever be.  I’m positive that it’ll be better then, because he’ll be happy to hear the news, not shocked and sideswiped.  And I’m positive that one day, I’ll hold a little baby in my arms, and it’ll be ours.

 

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28 thoughts on “Facing the Sun

  1. It’s good you are counting your blessings to try to stay positive during this time of heartache for you. There are a lot of people in the world who would love to trade places with you, I’m sure. That thought helps me keep things in perspective and not dwell on my troubles. I read it in “The Boy Who Came Back From Heaven.” Here’s a link to my book review of it if you are interested: http://ourstack.blogspot.com/2010/10/boy-who-came-back-from-heaven-by-kevin.html

    Stopping by from writer’s workshop. Here’s my link if you get a chance to visit by: http://zemeks.blogspot.com/2010/10/historical-event-i-would-like-to-have.html

  2. Oh how my heart reaches out to you… sometimes we’re really not meant to “get over” something. It’s growing, learning from the situation. You become more sensitive to life, and thankful for what you do have. grateful for life. Humble in what you HAVE been given.

    Coninue to write… continue to count your blessings…

  3. I’m sorry for your loss and I am hopeful for you. Things will suck less in the future even if it’s hard to believe right now. And, I think I have a stray kid you can borrow if you’re just feeling lonely. Although, should I send one of the evil-doers over I doubt your leery AMP will ever want to have children. EVER.

    • Thanks! I appreciate your kind words.
      About the spare kid – I’m sure AMP would be fine. The funny thing about the whole situation is that he loves kids, and they love him.. You should see him at any family gathering – he’s in the corner with all the kids playing ‘pirates’ or ‘superheros’ while all the adults are engrossed in conversation.. My family has started calling him the “Kid Whisperer”. And my 2 1/2 year old niece adores him to bits – the first thing she asks when I see her is where her Uncle is, and when he’s coming over.

  4. I know first hand how difficult it is dealing with a miscarriage. I had 2 myself one after another. It’s important to stay positive and bulid up your health before trying again. We kept trying and now have 2 boys and a girl.

  5. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure that when the time is right, it will be wonderful for you. I’m glad that you can stay positive and see that it will happen for you one day.

  6. I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how you must be feeling but I am so glad to know that you have something to grasp on to to get you through the sadness!

    Never ever feel you should censor yourself because your readers might be tired of hearing about whatever you have been writing about. Readers should be just like friends. They should be there for you through your ups and downs! If you happen to lose a few readers because they weren’t happy with what you were posting then that is their loss and they shouldn’t be reading your blog anyways. That’s just how I feel. Sorry for my little rant. :)

    Stay positive and remember the good things in life. But you don’t really need me to tell you that do you? It sounds like you are doing a great job of doing that yourself! Keep it up!

  7. Thanks for stopping by my blog.

    Nice post, I am happy that now you look at the positive side of your situation.

    I am doing the same, although, I never had a bad experience like yours the desire to wanting a baby and having it as quick as I wish make me feel sad sometimes, but now I am positive and I don’t know how I achieved that.

    I hope the positivity stays with you ;).

  8. This is a beautiful piece of writing. You have a great attitude and foresight. I think you are continuing to heal inside before going in the baby direction. You are fortunate to see all of the good things in your life. Life after all is all about perspective. Your positive attitude will serve you well on your journey.

  9. I don’t think there is any “getting over” the loss of anyone. And you shouldn’t be made to feel like that. I do think that one day it will have it’s place in your life and that place may not always be the center, and that will be okay too :). Sending all of my positive thoughts and best wishes your way. Thanks for stopping by my site today and for sharing here. Have a great day-

    • Your comment really resonated with me – you’re right – one day it’ll have it’s place that is not the all-consuming center of my thoughts, and that’ll be ok. I feel better thinking that I don’t need to ‘get over it’ but just to live each day, and keep going.. Thanks Tanya! :)

  10. I had a real hard time after my ectopic pregnancy (in the fallopian tube). They had to surgically remove it before it ruptured and destroyed my insides. The whole thing was so traumatic and such a nightmare. I’ll never forget it, not one second. It didn’t get easier after either. When I did get pregnant I worried it was tubal or a miscarriage almost up to delivery. After her, I had four more ectopic pregnancies that were surgically removed and tubes repaired until they finally removed my tubes completely.
    I know how lucky I was to have one daughter out of six pregnancies. She is a miracle. And while I can’t have anymore, I just got married and now have two beautiful step-daughters.

    I still get sad around due dates, and days I found that positive test, but time does heal and one thing I learned through the process. Be happy when you feel it. Be sad when you feel it. Love ALL little children as though they are miracles. Because they are. Keep working on you and keep facing your healing sun. Thank you for sharing your heart today.

    Here is the post when I wrote about my miracle if you are interested. It takes a lot of courage to try again.

    http://youthinkyoucanblog.wordpress.com/2009/07/16/sydney-repost-from-my-pages/

  11. So sorry about your miscarriage. It is a hard thing. I was only a couple of months when I miscarried and had I not miscarried, I would not have the wonderful daughter (#3) that I have now. So as hard as it was, something great did come out of it!

  12. I’m sorry for your loss. But I am glad you have turned the page to be able to think positively about it. And I’ll refrain from saying any other well-meaning BS. ;-)

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