Poor AMP…

Baby Shiba inu 柴犬

Image by shinkusano via Flickr

I think I’m driving my husband crazy… Actually, I know I am.  Surprisingly, he’s dealing with it very well.  Perhaps it’s partly because I warned him that he can’t hold me responsible for being an emotional wreck for the next few weeks, as the baby’s would-have-been due-date nears. 

But, still… I think the man deserves an award.  He’s put up with my moodiness… hugs me during my random crying spells… has been spending lots of time with me, and hasn’t screamed when I showed him a picture of a puppy for the 100th time and then said no, when he asks if he should go buy it for me.

I just don’t know if I can commit to a puppy.  I know that might sound ridiculous, since I want AMP to commit to having a baby – which I know is a much bigger deal, but getting a puppy seems like such an immediate, huge step, and well…I’m not sure our current lifestyle is conducive to it.  And, anyways, having a baby and getting a puppy are such totally different things.

But, I still keep looking at ads, and showing them to him, and telling him how much I want this or that puppy, but balking at the price being asked.  And then insisting, that no, we shouldn’t spend the money and he shouldn’t go out and get it for me.

The other thing is, with how bad my allergies have been, I want to get tested for dog allergies, before we spend loads of money on a puppy I can’t even be around without sneezing or breaking into hives.  My allergist appointment is a few weeks away, so I should have an answer soon.

But, even if I’m not allergic, I don’t know if I should get a puppy.  I think (or actually, I know) that this puppy obsession is just a mask – I’m trying to replace the baby – and the puppy won’t be able to do that.  Nothing can replace the baby.

So, I’m back to square one, with no idea of what to do….I think I’m driving myself crazy, never mind poor AMP.

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10 thoughts on “Poor AMP…

  1. Boy do I know what you are going through.

    I had a friend recently tell me of something her mother said after she lost a baby–“People often ask me why I can’t get over my grief, but grief isn’t something you get over. It’s not an illness, it’s something you carry around your whole life.” This seems to describe how you are feeling. It seems that the perfect medicine is a puppy, but in your heart you know that even that won’t make it better (as you clearly stated).

    After my first miscarriage, I thought getting pregnant again would ease my pain. After the second one, I can’t even think about pregnancy. But, I’m still searching for something that will make the pain go away. Even if I know it is facial. Right now, my medicine is chocolate.

    • Aww, Amber. I can’t even imagine having gone through it twice, and in the space of one year. I think about you often. The idea of getting pregnant, and miscarrying again, even farther along than I did this time, terrifies me. That quote from your friend’s mother describes me perfectly – I’m getting better at coping (kind of), but it’s not something that will go away.
      Chocolate is an awesome medicine – and cheaper than getting a puppy – maybe I should look into that. Thanks for your encouraging words.
      xoxoxo

  2. I just recently started reading your blog and had to catch up on older posts. I’m so sorry about your loss. We haven’t tried getting pregnant, but I’m terrified because my mom had a few miscarriages before she was able to get pregnant with me and I have this fear that I would have to go through the same. I can’t even imagine what you went through.

    I’ve also wanted a puppy, but my crazy work schedule doesn’t help me fully commit. Congrats on the wonderful husband, I have one too and wouldn’t trade him for the world. Love your blog!

    • Thanks Paulina.. My husband is wonderful.. :) I love him lots and lots.. It’s hard wanting a baby – I wish there was something I could take that would make this feeling go away till he was ready. :( But, life is like that, I guess.

  3. I am sorry for your loss.

    I don’t think you will ever “get over it.” But, you will get better. And you won’t have a crushing desire to possess every tiny, cute, fluffy, cuddly thing you lay your eyes on.

    Because one day….some day, you will have exactly what you DO want. (And you still won’t be over your loss, but you will be OKAY!)

    I wish you all the luck I can possibly send over the internet!!!!!!

  4. Pingback: ShNo « The Undomestic Housewife

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