Guilt & Jealousy & Happiness & Thank Yous

In nine very short days we will have reached the end of 2010 and the beginning of 2011.  I can’t believe how fast this year has flown by – and what a hard year it’s been.  I’ve really struggled this year – emotionally.  The other night, I asked AMP if I could just hibernate for a while – hide away from everyone and everything – pretend we’re away on vacation if anyone comes looking.  I’m not sure he’s going for it.

I think I’ve overwhelmed him.  On the weekend, I broke down and confessed all my frustrations with him – the worry about the debt, my feelings of inadequacy in many areas of life, my obsession with having a baby – everything.  I’d been bottling it up because I didn’t want to make him feel bad, or guilty, about not being able to give me what I want right now.  But, I reached a breaking point, and it all came tumbling out.  And, I felt better momentarily, but sure enough, the feelings of guilt surrounded me. 

And, this was even before Principessa told me she’s pregnant. 

I read an article a little while ago that claimed that we can’t ever truly be happy for other people because human nature dictates that if someone is doing better than us, we will become jealous.  Being the reluctant owner of a jealous personality – I thought maybe it’s true.  But, I realized it’s not.  I’m truly happy for Principessa and all my other friends, blogging and real-life who are expecting or are planning on starting to try or have welcomed a little one in their lives.  I am happy for them.  I am excited to meet my new little niece or nephew – to watch how Mini-Principessa adapts to being a big sister…

My desire to have that for myself (I was looking for a nicer way of saying jealousy!), doesn’t negate my happiness for others.  I am still happy for them.  I am just sad for me. 

I’m not sure if that even makes any sense…

But, I am truly grateful for this little space in the blogesphere where I can come to laugh or cry – where I’ve found a group of supportive women who write words that make me smile when I am down.

Next year, I promise to try and be more upbeat – but in the meantime, I wanted to thank all of you who come by and read my thoughts and take a moment to let me know I’m not alone and that you care.  I’m not sure what I would do without your encouragement.

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday.

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8 thoughts on “Guilt & Jealousy & Happiness & Thank Yous

  1. This space is for you – so don’t worry about trying to be “upbeat”. You write about how you feel & don’t apologize for those feelings. I think it’s a good thing how honest you are about your feelings of jealousy. I know it doesn’t change your situation, but acknowledging the feeling and not letting it consume you will help you find the happiness in your life, as it is now. Many blessing for you in this new year!

    • Thank you D!
      You are absolutely right – this is my space and I can (and should!) write how I feel. I really appreciate your comments – you’ve made me realize that I’m taking steps in the right direction – and I shouldn’t rush it.

  2. I am with you on the hibernation! I feel extra guilty because I do have a healthy happy baby and a job and stuff. But it’s still been a rough and frustrating year emotionally for other reasons. And I just want one big long nap to refresh the bad juju out there.

    • I feel guilty sometimes too – after all I have a great husband, a house, a job, etc… But, we can’t help being emotionally drained sometimes. One long nap is an awesome idea – I wish I could do that this weekend instead of being at my in-laws.

  3. Wow. I know what you are feeling. Like you, I am so very happy when I find out another friend is pregnant, or see another woman toting the pregnant belly, but that little twinge of sadness still creeps in. That quote might be right about one thing–it’s natural for us to not be happy with another’s lot. At the same time, as human beings we have the choice of fighting against those natural instincts and really achieving joy for another person’s blessings.

    What you are feeling isn’t bad. It’s sorrow. Sorrow for the baby you lost. You never get over a loss.

    Keep writing, lady. Maybe you’ll find the peace you need.

    • Thanks… I think it’s important to be honest with myself – and this is my space to do that. I know I’m not going to instantly stop being jealous so it’s ridiculous to pretend I’m not… It’ll be a slow journey, but definitely worth the effort.

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