In nine very short days we will have reached the end of 2010 and the beginning of 2011. I can’t believe how fast this year has flown by – and what a hard year it’s been. I’ve really struggled this year – emotionally. The other night, I asked AMP if I could just hibernate for a while – hide away from everyone and everything – pretend we’re away on vacation if anyone comes looking. I’m not sure he’s going for it.
I think I’ve overwhelmed him. On the weekend, I broke down and confessed all my frustrations with him – the worry about the debt, my feelings of inadequacy in many areas of life, my obsession with having a baby – everything. I’d been bottling it up because I didn’t want to make him feel bad, or guilty, about not being able to give me what I want right now. But, I reached a breaking point, and it all came tumbling out. And, I felt better momentarily, but sure enough, the feelings of guilt surrounded me.
And, this was even before Principessa told me she’s pregnant.
I read an article a little while ago that claimed that we can’t ever truly be happy for other people because human nature dictates that if someone is doing better than us, we will become jealous. Being the reluctant owner of a jealous personality – I thought maybe it’s true. But, I realized it’s not. I’m truly happy for Principessa and all my other friends, blogging and real-life who are expecting or are planning on starting to try or have welcomed a little one in their lives. I am happy for them. I am excited to meet my new little niece or nephew – to watch how Mini-Principessa adapts to being a big sister…
My desire to have that for myself (I was looking for a nicer way of saying jealousy!), doesn’t negate my happiness for others. I am still happy for them. I am just sad for me.
I’m not sure if that even makes any sense…
But, I am truly grateful for this little space in the blogesphere where I can come to laugh or cry – where I’ve found a group of supportive women who write words that make me smile when I am down.
Next year, I promise to try and be more upbeat – but in the meantime, I wanted to thank all of you who come by and read my thoughts and take a moment to let me know I’m not alone and that you care. I’m not sure what I would do without your encouragement.
Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday.