I don’t suffer from depression… but I do have huge spaces of sadness that swallow me up for a day, or two, or even three. And, on those days I feel like I’m drowning… drowning in thoughts I can’t seem to control.
When these days come upon me, I’m often blindsided – after all, technically I have a wonderful life – a great life that should not induce me to random tears at four in the morning.
But, I am sad, right now.
I am sad, because I am going in the exact opposite direction of my goals.
I am not losing weight. In fact, when I stepped on the scale yesterday morning, and saw I had gained 5 pounds, I cried. I hate mirrors. I hate how my clothes fit. I hate how I look. I hate that stupid scale. AMP tells me I’m beautiful. He shows me that I’m beautiful…and I can believe him in those moments, but when I’m away from his touch, I only see the reflection in the mirror. I wish I could only see the reflection in his eyes.
I am not saving money. I find myself spending unnecessarily. I find myself wanting to buy something – as if it’ll fill the ache inside me—the ache for something I can’t have now.
I am not content. This year’s theme was supposed to be happiness, contentment. I was supposed to learn not to be jealous. I was supposed to enjoy this time of childlessness. And, I can’t. I’m being obsessive. My mind fills with all these horrible scenarios. I obsess about what can go wrong, what will go wrong… I am consumed with jealousy.
I am not a writer. I read the blogs of others, the words that spill on to the screen, and I wish I could write that way. I stumble over posts… I go days and days without writing a single word.
I am not feeling well. I am tired. I am cranky. I am sleep-deprived, for no apparent reason. I am sobbing uncontrollably into pillows as poor AMP tries to figure out what is wrong, and pats me on the back mumbling ‘there, there’. As he offers everything: Tylenol, a book, a hug, a kiss, warm milk… Asking me what I need to make me feel better… And, I can’t answer him.
I am hiding…behind a mask of smiles, because, even I don’t know what’s wrong. I am smiling, because I can’t handle any more tears. I am overwhelmed with the thoughts that are swirling in my head.