Where the crazy, sleep-deprived woman rambles on…

I don’t suffer from depression… but I do have huge spaces of sadness that swallow me up for a day, or two, or even three.  And, on those days I feel like I’m drowning… drowning in thoughts I can’t seem to control.

When these days come upon me, I’m often blindsided – after all, technically I have a wonderful life – a great life that should not induce me to random tears at four in the morning.

But, I am sad, right now. 

I am sad, because I am going in the exact opposite direction of my goals.

I am not losing weight.  In fact, when I stepped on the scale yesterday morning, and saw I had gained 5 pounds, I cried.  I hate mirrors.  I hate how my clothes fit.  I hate how I look.  I hate that stupid scale.  AMP tells me I’m beautiful.  He shows me that I’m beautiful…and I can believe him in those moments, but when I’m away from his touch, I only see the reflection in the mirror.  I wish I could only see the reflection in his eyes. 

I am not saving money.  I find myself spending unnecessarily.  I find myself wanting to buy something – as if it’ll fill the ache inside me—the ache for something I can’t have now.

I am not content.  This year’s theme was supposed to be happiness, contentment.  I was supposed to learn not to be jealous.  I was supposed to enjoy this time of childlessness.  And, I can’t.  I’m being obsessive.  My mind fills with all these horrible scenarios.  I obsess about what can go wrong, what will go wrong… I am consumed with jealousy.

I am not a writer.  I read the blogs of others, the words that spill on to the screen, and I wish I could write that way.  I stumble over posts… I go days and days without writing a single word.

I am not feeling well.  I am tired.  I am cranky.  I am sleep-deprived, for no apparent reason.  I am sobbing uncontrollably into pillows as poor AMP tries to figure out what is wrong, and pats me on the back mumbling ‘there, there’.  As he offers everything: Tylenol, a book, a hug, a kiss, warm milk… Asking me what I need to make me feel better… And, I can’t answer him.

I am hiding…behind a mask of smiles, because, even I don’t know what’s wrong.  I am smiling, because I can’t handle any more tears.  I am overwhelmed with the thoughts that are swirling in my head.

I am…sad.

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31 thoughts on “Where the crazy, sleep-deprived woman rambles on…

  1. Oh, you so need sleep… and peace. I get like this too when I’m tired, but I know, it’s not all from exhaustion. You have to see where you are doing amazing, too, not just the shortcomings.

    And yes..

    AMP tells me I’m beautiful. He shows me that I’m beautiful…and I can believe him in those moments, but when I’m away from his touch, I only see the reflection in the mirror. I wish I could only see the reflection in his eyes.

    I could have written that myself. I wish we could just go out and by a pair of husband glasses to wear.

  2. I was totally nodding through this post. Same here! Weight loss is stagnant. I bought like $300 in clothes and makeup to go to a 3-day work event. Money I should be saving for our future 2nd baby. I am just STUCK and it is totally depressing and demoralizing. Meanwhile my entire face broke out in painful pimples, right before my work event. I had to spend more money to clear it up and I still felt totally self-conscious the whole time.

    • I think it’s the money thing that gets me the most (and weight is a very close second). I’m desperate to be out of debt, but then I find myself making choices that throw us in the opposite direction. It is very depressing.

  3. Ok, first? You are a good writer.
    Ok, good, Now that we are clear on that…

    I often find myself in a similar way. I think when things are not going as I envisioned and I feel a little hopeless, i just give up. I spend to much- because, why not? I eat too much- because, fuck it? I yell too much- because, I can’t handle it? And then I catch myself having a decent afternoon. Or even a decent day. And if I can force myself to be present for that, to really be aware of it, it helps set me back on track. At least for awhile. Hang in there!

  4. *HUG* I wish I was there to give you a huge hug. Sometimes life just bites. Sometimes you have to bite back. You’re beautiful. You’re smart. And you’re a writer. You can conquer this.

  5. Well, I think you are a writer…this post is beautiful. Sad, but beautiful.

    I read this book once, called “Happiness is A Serious Problem”. You should read it. It has a bunch of stuff in it about expectations and making comparisons….which is what we do when we say we are not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc.

    You have the power to change all the things you are not happy with here, with just your mind. Be brave and try it!

  6. *HUGS* oh, honey, I know exactly how you feel! How are you sure it is not depression? I feel like a terrible writer every time I sit down to write? But blogs don’t have to be Dickens or anything… I love your words <3

    • Aww.. Thank you Raine. I know, I can’t be 100% sure… Thinking of talking to my doctor next time I go in. I think part of it may be the anniversary of the miscarriage, one year in a week.. and it’s approaching soo fast… Not sure I’m over it yet (or if I ever will be..)

  7. I know this feeling all to well. I finally talked with my Dr. and that has helped me considerably. It just gave me freedom to actually not feel crazy.

    I hope you start feeling better soon.

  8. XOXOXOXOXO!!! It’s ok to feel this way. We all do at one point or another (see all the comments above). Sometimes we just get a feeling of helplessness and we can’t determine where it’s from. It’s like everything finally adds up and hits us all at once. I think for women it hits us harder because of hormones too. Sometimes I just feel like crying just because. Then I ask myself why am I crying and I can come up with a bunch of little things, which is good because they are little things compared to all the wonderful, great things I have. The problem is that at THAT time it all hits at once.
    Think of all the GREAT things you have: you are a very talented writer. I love coming to your blog and reading it. You have a wonderful husband, a job, a family that loves you and supports you… As far as the weight and money goes just realize that those things can’t change overnight. It has taken us three months to see the results of the sacrifices we have made to save money. Little steps, just set small goals at a time.
    Sorry for rambling, but now that we are blog buddies I just want to make sure you are ok :)

    • Aw, thanks Paulina. You’re right, I do have lots of things to be thankful for.. I just need to spend more time thinking about them, and not the things I want to change. I sooo appreciate you coming by and reading my blog all the time :) And, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one that feels this way. Hope everything is well with you!! :)

  9. Maybe you should talk to your doctor about how you’re feeling. He might want to put you on a med or recommend talk therapy.

    I hope you shake these feelings soon. I have been there many times in my life and I know how horrible it can be.

    PS You *are* a good writer.
    xoxo

    • Thanks Snuggle, I appreciate that!
      I’m thinking about doing that, talking to a doctor. I wonder if it’s something to do with my birth control pill (I know that can have an affect on moods)…

    • It’s amazing what sleep (or lack there-of) can do. I feel much better after a few good night’s rest – the sadness is still there, but I’m functioning much better.

  10. I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I’ve had these periods in my life as well. They are so hard. I wish you a little bit of healing every day. And whatever you do don’t feel bad about feeling bad. Whenever I let myself feel bad and then move on it doesn’t seem to last as long. Maybe the same could be true for you. hugs..

    • Thank you Andrea. I will definitely try not letting myself feel bad about feeling bad – that probably will make a big difference.

  11. I do not think you are crazy. You are grieving; the process is long and very tiring. I am so very sorry you are feeling so lost. I understand, completely. It is a hard place to be in–when you want something so bad but understand that maybe right now is not the best time.

    As a side note: Have you considered seeing a therapist? If I could encourage you toward one direction, I would advise you set an appointment up with a therapist, particularly a grief therapist. It’s amazing how being able to talk with someone openly about your pain really aides in the healing process.

    • Thanks Amber… You always have the right words to make me reflect and feel better!!

      I probably should see a therapist – instead of just using blogging as my personal form of therapy… But it’s an expense we can’t afford right now – but I’ll give it some thought if the cloud returns full-force again soon.

  12. Pingback: Unintentional Break « The Undomestic Housewife

  13. Oh my goodness I am so sorry I missed this post. I just want to jump through the screen and give you a hug. This was brave and honest and my heart breaks for you and wants to help you through the sadness but I know how hard it is to pull out of that dark space.

    I wish you moments of peace and contentment that continue to grow as the days pass. I hope you can always share your feelings the way you did in this post. It is freeing isn’t it? And look at all of the amazing women who are rallying around you. Pull some strength from everyone. You are worth it. (((Hugs)))

    • Aww.. thank you Jessica.
      I know – I so appreciate this community of women who, like you, are full of wonderfulness and encouragement. Thank you so much for your kind words. xo

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