Sidelines, part I

I have two “sidelines” posts in my drafts – waiting for me to sift through the words and edit them.  While not the same, they are different parts of each other – of my personality.  Here is part one. 

Sidelines, part I

When I was a little kid I used to love being on the sidelines – watching but not actively participating.  It was so easy.  So stress free. 
I knew that if I wanted to, I could jump in anytime.  But, I was content where I was. 

I was content. 

I realize lately that being on the sidelines requires a lot of waiting around, a lot of patience.  Patience is a quality I already have in short supply.  I don’t know when I started to become less patient; perhaps with the onset of adolescence?  It seems like around then I had lost my patience, and gained envy.

I found cards my ex wrote me.  I was 17 at the time and a couple of the cards made reference to my lack of patience, where he decided to remind me that ‘patience is a virtue.’  Even though his next sentence was, “I know how much you hate that saying.”  Guess I don’t need reminders of why I dumped him…

Anyways, back to the topic at hand…

When I realized that I couldn’t jump in anytime, I started to hate the sidelines, and became envious – envious of ones in relationships, envious of friends and cousins getting engaged and getting married.  Five cousins got married before me, two of them younger than me.  When AMP and I were dating, we were ones of the last in our social group to get married, though we were older and in some cases, together longer.  

And, I began to feel the pangs of impatience and envy.

Then we got married, and all was right in the world. 

Right?

No, because then came babies.

And, for a while I was content to sit on the sidelines.  I didn’t even think I wanted a kid at all. 

And then, Mini-Principessa was born. 

And, I fell in love, hard.  I wanted my own little one.  I wanted to be a mommy.  I wanted to see AMP and myself in our own little person we could raise and love.

But, I couldn’t just jump in. 

Because, it’s not all about me; it’s not just my decision because it will change both our lives dramatically. 

So, I’m on the sidelines…waiting.  And everyday I hear of someone else getting pregnant.  And I’m jealous and envious over here on the sidelines. 

Waiting.  Waiting for when I can jump in and join.

I’m not good at waiting.

And, I still hate being told ‘Patience is a virtue.’ 

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7 thoughts on “Sidelines, part I

  1. Hmm. I know this feeling. I hate waiting. I really do. Once I decided I want something? I want it now. Which makes teaching my 5-year-old patience a little challenging. And perhaps a little humbling. Ahem.

    Your time for a baby will come. It will. My best advice (even tho it was completely unsolicited…) is to enjoy non-parenthood while you can. Things change SO much with kids…not that it isn’t worth it, don’t get me wrong, but there is never a time when you’re not responsible for someone, even if they’re not with you. What you can do, where you can go, when you can do things, what you can say, how you act, etc. will all be majorly altered by this tiny person.

    It *is* worth it, & you will be a good mommy when it’s time, just try to enjoy just being you & AMP while you can.

    Which is not the same thing as saying patience is a virtue. I promise. ;)

    • Hahaha.. I love your last two sentences! :)

      You are completely right – and for the most part I am trying to enjoy this waiting period… When my sister is complaining about what a terror my niece is being, I think about how nice it is to not have to deal with all those things right now. Right now I only have to worry about me and AMP, though he can take care of himself for most things. I just feel like I’m always waiting. But, the wait will be over before I know it, I’m sure. After all this year is already flying past.. I can’t believe tomorrow is April 1st!

      I always appreciate your advice – Hope everything is going well for you with the pregnancy!! :)

  2. Can so see where you coming from on this, I’m not a patient person and I have tried the sideline and as you have experienced the waiting part got boring about high scholl. But its difficult to just jump in half way…

    great post

    • Thanks.. Patience is definitely something I’m working on. It’s harder these days when everyone seems to be having babies. I just want to jump in sooo bad. But, I’m stuck in the kiddie pool :S Oh well, I should just put the waiting time to good use at least.

  3. I too have no patience which people do find strange as have always worked with children and special needs. But none at all. I am the opposite but the same. I have the child but I don’t have the marriage I would love the marriage, I am the last of my friends to get married so I do understand. Hang in there it will happen xx

  4. Sometimes the sidelines are nice but only when you want to be there. When you’re ready to jump in the game, they suck. I totally get that. It’s so frustrating.

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