I have two “sidelines” posts in my drafts – waiting for me to sift through the words and edit them. While not the same, they are different parts of each other – of my personality. Here is part one.
Sidelines, part I
When I was a little kid I used to love being on the sidelines – watching but not actively participating. It was so easy. So stress free.
I knew that if I wanted to, I could jump in anytime. But, I was content where I was.
I was content.
I realize lately that being on the sidelines requires a lot of waiting around, a lot of patience. Patience is a quality I already have in short supply. I don’t know when I started to become less patient; perhaps with the onset of adolescence? It seems like around then I had lost my patience, and gained envy.
I found cards my ex wrote me. I was 17 at the time and a couple of the cards made reference to my lack of patience, where he decided to remind me that ‘patience is a virtue.’ Even though his next sentence was, “I know how much you hate that saying.” Guess I don’t need reminders of why I dumped him…
Anyways, back to the topic at hand…
When I realized that I couldn’t jump in anytime, I started to hate the sidelines, and became envious – envious of ones in relationships, envious of friends and cousins getting engaged and getting married. Five cousins got married before me, two of them younger than me. When AMP and I were dating, we were ones of the last in our social group to get married, though we were older and in some cases, together longer.
And, I began to feel the pangs of impatience and envy.
Then we got married, and all was right in the world.
No, because then came babies.
And, for a while I was content to sit on the sidelines. I didn’t even think I wanted a kid at all.
And then, Mini-Principessa was born.
And, I fell in love, hard. I wanted my own little one. I wanted to be a mommy. I wanted to see AMP and myself in our own little person we could raise and love.
But, I couldn’t just jump in.
Because, it’s not all about me; it’s not just my decision because it will change both our lives dramatically.
So, I’m on the sidelines…waiting. And everyday I hear of someone else getting pregnant. And I’m jealous and envious over here on the sidelines.
Waiting. Waiting for when I can jump in and join.
I’m not good at waiting.
And, I still hate being told ‘Patience is a virtue.’