A Monster…

I do not want to feel this way.  I hate myself for it.

I often wonder – what kind of person am I, to be sad for myself when I should be happy for others?

But the jealousy claws at me.  It shreds my insides trying to get out, trying to show itself behind the mask of a smile and the cheerful congratulations. 

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

The jealousy is a monster.  A stupid green-eyed little monster that crouches inside me at all times, waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce and be released.

And, he is getting stronger.

With every announced pregnancy, he gains strength against me. I constantly battle him – my insides are raw from his battle to burst forth unwelcome.

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

My husband asks, “What can I do to make you happy?  You are always so sad.”

But I am happy.   I am.  I am blessed – with a wonderful husband, a great family, friends I can count on, a good job, a beautiful home.  I am happy.

But there are moments when the jealousy peeks out.  He finds a foothold to climb out. 

I want just one more thing.  Something I’ve been promised – but have been asked to wait a little longer for…

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

Patience has never been a strong suit of mine, but I am willing to wait for this one thing.  This child of mine who will come when he or she is ready – when we are ready… I can wait. 

The jealousy taunts me – ‘You are a fool,” he says.  “You cannot wait.”

”I can wait – I can enjoy the moments now,” I scream back.

But he is clawing at me, taunting me.  And, his ugly head peeks out again – and my smile fades and tears roll down my cheeks.

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

This post is inspired by The Red Dress Club promt: Write about jealousy… Ending my self-imposed silence on the subject. Hop over to read some wonderful posts…

And, as always, constructive critisicm is welcome.. :)


28 thoughts on “A Monster…

  1. The description of jealousy “as a stupid green-eyed little monster that crouches inside me at all times, waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce and be released” makes it a very dynamic piece.

    I liked it and, if it was non-fiction, I hope that everything will work out as wanted.

    • Thanks Amanda. I’m glad you liked that line! :) I hope everything works out too.. I’m sure it will… I’m just not the most patient person in the world, haha.

  2. Ohhhh I know this feeling TOO well. It seems like everywhere I turn there’s a baby being born. We had 3 births in my office just last month. And it gnaws at my insides til I can’t breathe.

    You did a terrific job describing those feelings. I’m sorry you have them in the first place but you really produced a great piece as a result of them.

    • Thanks Jen.. It is reassuring to know I am not the only one. I have three cousins who are pregnant this year, and while I am beyond thrilled for them, this gnawing feeling is driving me crazy.

  3. I just want to hug you. It’s so freaking not fair that it’s so easy for some and so difficult for others. I absolutely know and appreciate how lucky I am, and my heart breaks for all my friends who’ve struggled.


    • Thanks for coming by Cheryl!! :) I’m almost giddy with excitement that you stopped by.
      And thank you for your hugs and thoughts… It is hard to struggle with these feelings.

    • Waiting is not the problem – in theory.. If these feelings would go away, I’d be quite happy enjoying the one-on-one time with my husband till we start trying… But these feelings overwhelm me too often.. Thank you for your comment Elaine! :)

  4. Hugs to you. I’ve been with you on this struggle. And I felt horrible when two friends told me they were due the same week that the baby I lost was due. I was happy for them, I was. But sad for me too.

    I’m optimistic for all of us.

    • Thank you Mama.. Yes, it’s hard – and I think it’s something only other women understand. My husband struggles to understand how I can be sad for me at other people’s joy – but it’s a feeling I can’t help. I’m optimistic for all of us too… I can’t wait to rid myself of this feeling.

  5. This is so honest and raw. I can somehow relate. My husband and I still don’t know for sure whether we want to have children, but I must admit that every time I see a mother carrying her baby, I feel a little tug in my heart that I have yet to come up with a name for.

    • I think it’s a hard decision to come to. My husband was determined we were not going to have kids, and I initally agreed. And, then I completely changed my mind on him, and luckily for me, he got on board with the idea. He’s really quite wonderful. And, his asking me to wait is quite reasonable as well.. I completely agree with it.. My heart, on the other hand, doesn’t and is being a complete pain in the ass.
      I’m sure you will make the decision that is best for both of you, and I wish you all the best.

  6. D, I have been following you for so long and I know what a struggle this has been for you. I want to say enjoy the time you have with your husband, I never really had that, but I know the words won’t land the right way. I understand that want and I won’t try to trivialize it. Just know I’m always here if you need to talk or rant. :)

    • Thanks… I do agree with you completely about enjoying the time I have with AMP. I do, a lot. It’s kind of nerve wracking to think of all that will change when we have kids, so I do my best to savor the lazy weekends and the ‘us’ time and all the things that come easy without kids. If my stupid heart would get on board and kick jealousy to the curb I’d be perfect haha.
      But, thank you so much. Your words mean the world to me.. you are awesome! :)

  7. Very, very raw and well written. My husband and I “agreed” to wait longer than I would have wanted if I had been given the ultimate decision. Logically, I knew the wait wasn’t that long, but it was a struggle for me. You have captured that pull between logic and emotion so very well.

    • Thanks Angela… I think husbands are more likely to set a date that’s further away. My husband originally (after I got him to change his mind about having kids at all) wanted to wait till after we’d been married 5 years. I got him down to start trying after our 4 year anniversary. He’s been amazing about comproming so much to let me have what I want. And, same as you, I know logically it isn’t that long. Already almost six months have passed since that decision was made, and it’s only another 11-ish months away. 11 months for me to enjoy our family of two! :) This jealousy just tends to rear his ugly head even though I’ve tried to destroy him time and again.

  8. you are so brave. i can relate to the jealousy. i used to seeth with it when other moms would talk about how much they love being a mommy and how perfect it is etc. I was left wondering what the hell was wrong with me that i felt horrible when I was supposed to feel elated.

    your time will come. i have faith for you!!!

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