The What-Ifs

“And we can sell our house and drive down and live in Brazil.  I’ll be Ricardo.  Your name can be… Miranda…” 

I interrupt my husband in the middle of his plan to flee our current life and ask him why his ‘imaginary’ futures never seem to have children in it. 

His response was to ask me why mine never involve just the two of us.  Why I don’t want it to be just him and me?

I was quite effectively silenced (though I’m not sure that was his intent).

It brought to surface one of my greatest fears – making the wrong decision on whether or not to have a child.  Especially because it is mostly my decision – it is something my husband is willing to do because I want it – and not because it’s his lifelong dream to be a father.  I love just the two of us, but I want a baby of our own.  He loves just the two of us but he says he’ll be happy with expanding our little family, if I’m happy.    

But I worry that he’ll resent me for this huge change to our lives.

And, I worry that I’ll be resentful if we don’t make this change.
 

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19 thoughts on “The What-Ifs

  1. D (or should I say, Miranda), I can tell you this. We were not going to have children, but then I got ‘the bug’. My husband could have lived happily ever after without kids, but now that he has one – a boy that he loves to the moon and back – he can’t imagine his life any other way. You will hear countless stories like this. Trust your heart and good luck to you both!

  2. I agree with Cookie’s Mom. Once your husband sets eyes on that baby his heart is going to melt! My husband says the same thing, but sometimes I catch him looking at babies and smiling. I don’t think you can regret having a child, but you can regret not having one because at one point it will be too late to have one.

    • I agree with your last sentence… And that’s what I’m scared of. I talk to some older people (late 70s) that never had kids, and they regret it now. I don’t want that.
      I’ve noticed my husband commenting more on how cute kids are and talking more about ‘when we have our kid’… I’ll have to content myself with that for now… Just under a year to go till we start trying.. hopefully.

  3. D, I want to thank you for writing this. I believe you voice the opinion of so many women out there who want to have kids, but are afraid to make the decision for fear that it might do damage to some part of their lives.

    Having kids will alter your life significantly and permanently (as I’m sure you know). But for me, at least, its complete. I hope you do have kids one day. Sending some good vibes your way. :)

  4. First time here, so I feel a little weird dispensing advice, but here you go: If when he married you, he knew this was your dream, then that’s what he signed on for, so I don’t think you have to worry. If he’d been dead set against, then perhaps he wouldn’t have.

    I was in a similar situation with my ex… he knew I wanted them, whereas he would have been fine without them. Ironically, he went on to have two more with his second wife! Go figure!

    • Well.. the thing is, we went into marriage thinking we weren’t going to have any… I agreed to those terms.. but about six months to a year in, when babies started popping out everywhere around me, I realized that I was deluding myself thinking I’d be happy never having kids. He’s been amazing about it really.. I just have the patience of a 2 year old.

  5. Your writing is beautiful and I can feel the angst and pain behind your words. Don’t give up on your dream but don’t forget to live in moment either – spend this time with your husband, enjoy each other’s company, do the things your husband wants to do, but never give up on your dream. ::hugs::

    • Thanks D. I’m getting better at enjoying the here and now.. :) But, I’m a worry-wart who spends way too much time thinking about the future.

    • Thanks Thea.
      I’m definitely glad we didn’t have kids in our first two years of marriage.. and even every year after that – it makes a stronger, like you said. We’ve learned so much more about each other – argue over dumb things way less than we used – and are more in love than we were when we said I do over 3 years ago. :)

  6. It is a huge decision, and you are smart to really wait until you are sure. DW didn’t want a third one, while my heart felt like our family was incomplete. The difference with us, is that DW truly does not want more children, regardless of how I feel. So that decision is done. BUT – it sounds like your husband wants what you want and would be happy either way. Be thankful that you have such an amazing line of communication. Sometimes we don’t always hear exactly what we want to hear – but at least we know the truth…and that is always good.

    • True. I am incredibly appreciative that my husband was willing to even consider doing a 180 on his original decision.. And, push come to shove, if it was him with no baby, or a baby and no him — I pick him. But, I want the best of both worlds.. haha. :)

  7. Like Cookies Mom said, trust your heart. You are starting to see the softening of your husbands resolve. You can’t be sure if he will have that ah-ha moment or if it will be gradual change but those little smiles you see him smiling when he sees the kiddos, it’s coming.

    Good luck to you…stopping by from Mama Kat’s.

  8. Nobody is ever READY to have children. If we all waited until we were truly ready, it would be too late for most of us. That sad, we waited 4 years after marriage before having our son. Which was awesome, but now we are old. And trying to have a second (now that we are “ready”) is proving to be very difficult.

    • Aww.. That’s one of my worries. I have a cousin who was a bit older when she had her first, and is struggling to have her second — A couple of years and three miscarriages later, she’s still waiting. I can’t imagine that pain. I’m hoping that my first miscarriage is not an indication of anything — and that when the time comes, I’m able to concieve within the first year of trying.

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