Wanting to be first…

A while ago, in response to some comment I made, my husband asked me if it matters to me that I have children before my brother and his wife do – my brother and his wife who are 3 and 6 years younger than me respectively, who live in my parent’s basement, married less than a year, and have jobs that barely provide them for the necessities of life.

If I recall correctly I stayed silent and waited till he forgot he even asked the question and pretended the whole conversation never happened.

I want to say no, it doesn’t matter to me.  After all, it doesn’t matter to my husband, who although the oldest of four, did not produce the first (and only) grandchild on his side.  It doesn’t matter to him at all.  If this decision was left to him, he could easily wait a few more years before even considering this step – because he’s perfectly content with the way things are.

But, let’s be honest here – it does matter to me.  I want my child to be the first grandchild for my parents.  I was the first to get married; the first to buy a house; shouldn’t I be the first to welcome a child into this world?  I want to be the one that surprises my parents with the news of their changed status. I want my child to be the first one who calls my mom and dad nonna and nonno (Italian for grandma and grandpa). 

I know it sounds silly to most people – but it’s the way I feel.

However, my sister-in-law is baby obsessed and I have a feeling that she’s going to beat me to it… And, speeding the timetable along just to be first is ridiculous (and AMP would never ever go for it). 

But, I know that being second, especially second to my much younger sister-in-law, will sting.  I know that I will be resentful of being left behind again.  And, I know that those feelings suck.

So, I hope it doesn’t happen… Or for the strength to be a bigger person if it does…


2 thoughts on “Wanting to be first…

  1. I would feel EXACTLY the same way. I don’t know what it is but even as I read this I wanted you to be first. But you know what? Somehow those people who are barely prepared for a baby are the ones that get pregnant first. I hope, hope, hope that you are the first one and that you get your two boys and a girl. :)

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