Today I held a five day old baby girl.  And had people comment on how holding that baby looks good on me.  And, I kept the tears at bay. 

Because those people don’t know that I’m trying to have a little girl or little boy of my own.  That every month, I spend two weeks in heartwrenching, breath-holding agony, waiting to see. 

Only to be disappointed.

It’s better not to hope.

But, I can’t help it.

I google statistics.

I count days.

I re-read the pamphlet on the First Response pregnancy tests I have stored away.

I’m tempted to test.

Test when I’m not late.

To analyze every wave of nausea.  To imagine fatigue and breast tenderness. 

To hope.

Even when I tell myself not to.

That there’s only a 15% chance I’m pregnant.

That I may have to wait till the fall.

That I may have to wait again.

And again.

And, yet, my struggle is nothing.  There are women who wait years.  Who give up.

And, I’m complaining about a few measly months.

I am ashamed.

And, yet, still… I pity myself.

For waiting again.

And hoping again.



4 thoughts on “hope

  1. I cried this month when I got my cycle! I’m dealing with the same feelings. I’m glad someone else understands :)

    My husband has been extremely supportive and encouraging. I hope it happens soon, for both of us@

  2. I’m sure you will find you are not alone. And that yesterday may have made it even more challenging. I’m right there with you. I know it doesn’t bring the comfort you are seeking. Hope is good. Don’t give up on it. It will get you through to your next desire.

  3. Oh if I could hug you…This was me this time last year, staring at those FRERs with a magnifier and pure rage. Now I’m covered in spit up and milk stains. Don’t give up hope. They say it takes 1 year of active trying on average. Some things to try are Preseed http://www.preseed.com/ , temping of course (I kept my chart on Taking Charge of Your Fertility http://www.tcoyf.com/ ) and if you have an LP less than 12 days you can ask your doctor for Progesterone to extend it.

    I know they say to BD every other day but we BD’d at least once a day 5 days before and 5 days after O day just to be sure. Last but not least, although it’s easier said than done I think lowering the stress around it helps. Maybe you’ll get lucky on your summer hiatus!

    • Thanks for the advice.. I was actually looking for a good charting website, so that helps! Congratulations on your baby.. I’m sure I’ll join the mommy world soon!

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