always my baby

Sometimes the hardest part is the not knowing — the not knowing whether to refer to the baby as a he or a she… being forced to use the despised ‘it’.

There are moments when I can live with the not knowing if the baby would have had brown eyes like mommy and daddy – or somehow inherited grandma’s green eyes…if the baby’s hair would be curly – or defied all odds and be stick straight.

But not knowing the basic fact of whether it was a boy or a girl – that feels unbearable.

Oftentimes I refer to it as ‘her’.  But sometimes, I think of ‘him’ – a little golden-haired baby – a precocious toddler.  It’s the boy I can imagine more – I picture a mirror image of his daddy – the pictures I have of my husband as a baby or toddler fueling my imagination.

The baby  would be two this year.  Two.  Not a baby anymore.  A child – toddler – running around asking why a million times a day…

My life would have been drastically different.

The other hard part – that while I wish with everything I have that I could have that baby – I also am glad we had more time as a couple.  We would have loved the baby – but two years ago we weren’t ready – it would have been more difficult – a strain.

And, how horrible is that… to be glad of that?  It’s as if I’m saying I’m glad that baby was never born.  The baby I try so hard to picture – but whose face eludes me.  The baby I never knew – and yet miss all the time.

The baby that now will always be a baby to me.. Never a toddler, child or teenager… just a faceless, nameless baby.

But still my baby.

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8 thoughts on “always my baby

  1. When I was in my 20s I was engaged and my fiancé and I found out we were going to be having a baby. We were very much in love and after getting over the shock began to make plans for when then baby came.
    Sadly we lost our baby within the first couple of months of the pregnancy.
    Shortly after that our relationship fell apart, I found out that my fiancé was seeing someone behind my back, even though they denied there was anything going on.
    i think of our baby as a girl and refer to her as Kayleigh, which is what she would have been called. She’d be 18 now. I would love it if she’d been born and I could have watched her grow up into the lovely young woman I know she’d be. I’m sure my son would love to have an older sister as well.
    But, I’m glad in a way that she wasn’t born because of the fact that her parents would never have been together or living in a relationship where I would never have been able to really trust my partner.

    So I don’t think that its horrible to be glad to have more time together while missing your baby.

  2. I feel your pain. I wanted to know so much what our baby’s sex is. Was my baby a boy or a girl? If we took my mother’s intuition and the dreams I was having into consideration, we would have had a boy. I dreamed about him several times before I even knew I was pregnant, and I continued to dream about him after I found out. My fiance dreamed about a girl. We would not have cared either way. We just wanted a healthy baby. Something we did not get this time around.

    To help me with the healing process, I did have our baby’s name {yep, we named him/her – I say him all the time when I am referring to my baby} inscribed into the Book of Life. I just got my Certificate of Life for my baby through e-mail today, and it is so glorious to know that others care so much. Here is the link, in case you may want to do this as well.
    http://www.innocents.com/shrine.asp

    I hope that you can find some hope and joy this holiday season, and I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending you hugs and lots of love this Christmas.

    • Kayla –
      I think that naming the baby is part of the healing process. It’s hard when you don’t know if it’s a boy or girl – but you can always use a gender-neutral name – or choose one or the other.
      I hope you get a healthy baby soon — I know that trying is emotionally draining – especially after having had a miscarriage. I’m on month 6 of disappointment – hoping that it’ll happen soon.
      Thanks so much for the info on the book of life..
      Hope all is well with you.

  3. I am so sorry for your loss. I miscarried about two months ago. And was devastated. It was unexpected and and when it happened, I found out the sex. My husband still doesn’t know our baby would have been his son. Our pregnancy was also unexpected, we found out just a week after the wedding. But we fell in love so fast.

    You know what one of the worst parts is-besides the trauma, sadness, and grief? The doctors refer to miscarriages as spontaneous abortions. Really? It just seems to convey something so intentional.

    My husband and I decided to spend Christmas away from our families, and I managed to find some peace through decorating and creating sort of a memory box (a decorated shoebox). In it we’ve put all the sonograms and mementos we had of him, the baby book we’d started, the lists we’d created, and we’re hoping to put in thumb drives of the pictures we took of me, and the videos my husband made). I don’t know if this will help me in the long run or not. But I do know that my husband and I are the only ones that will really truly remember and grieve. So I can’t just be rid of those items.

    Anyways, I hope your holidays are going well. You are helping many with this blog.

    • Aww, I’m so sorry for your loss Ida. That is devastating. I think a memory box is a great idea. I wish I had tangible evidence of my baby. I think I’d want the memory box as well.

      I agree – ‘spontaneous abortion’ is a horrible term. It always makes me want cringe and want to scream.

      Hope you are well.. You will find that time does heal you – but there is a hole that never fully gets closed again.

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