Change

I’ve written and re-written this post a dozen times.  I just can’t seem to get the right thought across.

I’m not a fan of change.  In fact, I fear change.  Even when I’m absolutely positively sure I want something, I’ll talk myself out of it, while hyperventilating at the thought of the havoc it would wreak on my current life.  Like getting a puppy – I say I want one, but in reality, I’m not sure I could handle a puppy.

So, what makes me think I can handle a baby?  And why is it that, even though having a baby is the most all-consumingly life changing decision we could ever make, it does not send me looking for a paper bag to breathe in?

I like my life.  I like the pattern of my days, but I want a baby.  Perhaps it’s part of the quarter-life crisis?  But it’s one change in my life I feel ready to make, emotionally.

Am I ready in any other way?  Probably not. 

While there are only really two things in my life I would currently change, they are both important factors when it comes to having a baby.  The basement has to be done, that’s non-negotiable.  And, at the rate it’s going, we’ll be lucky if it’s done even by the end of this year.

And, we need to be out of debt.  And, it’s not happening any time soon.  Actually the past two months we’ve managed to get ourselves further in debt by buying anniversary presents for parents, AMP’s school & certification fees, and well, the basement.

And, well, AMP needs to be on board, which might happen if those two other conditions were met.

So, we’re not ready for this life-change. 

But, I am.

 I am finally ready for the biggest change in my life ever, and the one change I don’t want to run away from, is the one I worry will never happen.