Back to basics

Last month was the first month we threw the Shettles method out the window. I feel like I gave it a fair try – 5 or 6 months. With no success. I gave AMP fair warning, that if we weren’t pregnant by December, then I was done with the Shettles method, and we’d go to good ol’ fashioned way of getting pregnant – not worrying about boy or girl. I think it’s easier for me than AMP. While I would love to have a girl, eventually, I’m thrilled with the idea of having a little boy. After my sister had her little boy, my anxieties about having a boy melted away. And, frankly, in comparison to my niece, my nephew is EASY.

And, I figure, we’re planning on having more than one anyways, so who cares if the first is a boy and not a girl (other than AMP – he obviously cares just a little).

January was our first month of ‘back to basics’ – and no success. And I took it surprisingly well.

This month we’re trying to not miss any ‘important’ days – so we’ll see how it goes. I would really like to be pregnant this month.. It would be an amazing anniversary present…

But, of course, it’s out of my control. All I can do is hope and pray…

This month I didn’t turn off the light, climb into bed and cry.

This month I didn’t cry longingly, or scream in frustration.

We did everything we could… And, it wasn’t enough.

But, there’s always next month.

And, while there are moments when the impatience overwhelms me, each month I also see a benefit.. whether it’s more debt paid off, or AMP just a little more excited about the prospect.  :) 

So, I wait…

48

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Nope.. But, I did have a different name for the first few days of my life..

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Last week… hm.. that might actually be a record for me lately.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Nope.. I don’t mind my printing, when I’m being nice and neat.. But I hate my handwriting.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Mortadella.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No… :(  But not for lack of trying.. hopefully soon.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Maybe… If I liked the quiet type.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Um.. no?

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yup.. Never had anything removed :)

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Maybe when I was 18 and thought I was invincible.. Not so much anymore.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Granola

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Too lazy for that.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Physically – no.. total weakling.
Emotionally – sometimes.. as long as it has nothing to do with waiting.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Brownies & Cookie Dough

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Whether they are happy or sad, friendly or anti-social.

15. RED OR PINK?
Red

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My skin (seriously, shouldn’t acne be done by the time you stop being a teen?!), my weight, my lack of willpower to exercise, my inability to keep my house clean, and my impatience…

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My grandfather

18. WHAT IS THE TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?
Cleaning windows

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
What shoes?  Unless I’m walking, I’m barefoot

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Chicken nuggets

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The sound of my typing and the dog barking in his dreams

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Purple

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Cookies, cinnamon, vanilla

24. HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS TO YOU?
Completely unimportant.

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Beach house – from where I can see the mountains.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Football

27. HAIR COLOR?
Dark brown

28. EYE COLOR?
Brown

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
All the time

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Sushi, pasta, bread.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy endings.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Friends with Kids

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Green

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer

35. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Cake

36. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
Strength — I HATE cardio

37. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
Television while playing on my smartphone.. :)

38. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Hmm.. a romance novel (guilty pleasure… )

39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Don’t have one

40. FAVORITE SOUND?
The ocean

41. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?
Alternative

42. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Europe

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Impatience, worrying, over-thinking, procrastinating

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Somewhere in Europe :)

45. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
North America

46. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
Green and beige

47. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
Blue

48. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 48 QUESTIONS?
Feel like I’m in high school again.. ;)

Hypothetical

If you’ve been hanging out here a while, you know that I tend to obsess and worry about things long before it’s necessary for me to do so.  Which leads me to spending a lot of wasted time thinking up hypothetical scenarios that often don’t ever end up happening.

But, it’s what I do.

Which is why, even though I’m not yet pregnant, I’m already worrying and trying to decide on when I’m going to spill the beans.

Doesn’t help that AMP and I have different views on the matter.

I want to share the news with my immediate family and closest friends right away.  These are the people who know about my miscarriage – and the people I would tell if I miscarried again. 

I know that if I miscarry again – this time it’ll devastate me.  It hurt so much the first time and I didn’t even really realize I was pregnant – imagine this time, when we’ve been trying and waiting.  I’ll make it through – but it’ll be oh so hard. 

But, should I let that fear keep me from sharing my news?

Also, I don’t want to be ‘found out’ and miss out on surprising people my way.  I have all these plans in my head on how to tell my parents and my siblings – and I don’t want it ruined by them guessing before I tell them.

With other people – I think I’d try to wait to as close to 12 weeks – mostly for AMP’s sake… Because I know he’d rather we wait.  But, I think after waiting so long to try and then trying for 6+ months, that it’ll be hard for me to keep it to myself.

I know it’s silly – but I think about these things.. and maybe obsess about it.
When did you share your news with family and friends?  How did you do it?

2013

When we got married in 2008, I thought I’d be ok with not having any kids.  Less than a year later, I already knew that I had been fooling myself.

Poor AMP was actually quite supportive – considering I’d changed everything.  He said, maybe in 2013 – the year we celebrate 5 years married.

I thought that was a ridiculously long time away.  I thought I could convince him to maybe change his timeline.. Which I guess I did, because he agreed to start trying in April of 2012 for a January 2013 baby.. But, now we are at 2013 and we’re still trying.. So maybe this is the year we’re supposed to get pregnant.. :) 

So, here’s to hoping that 2013 is our year.. the year we celebrate five years, the year we welcome a baby into our family.. And a year of health and happiness. :)

 

 

5

I was just going to post a picture of a negative pregnancy test and leave it at that for today.. but I feel the need to vent for a moment… And what better place than here…

So, this is month 5 of disappointed hopes (April/May/October/November/December).. How much fun.

Especially because other than on here, with my best friend, and poor AMP, I am internalizing all the disappointment.  Because really, who wants the whole world to know they are trying and having people continuously ask if you’re pregnant yet.. I get that enough already without people knowing that I’m actively trying.

But apparently, you get stupid comments anyways.  I guess that’s a part of life.

eerily similar

You don’t ever think about it till you’re trying to get pregnant – but did you realize that the signs for pregnancy and the signs your period are starting are basically the same?

Bloating, check.
Acne, check.
Swollen and tender breasts, check.
Fatigue and tiredness, check.
Headaches, check.
Food cravings, check.
Cramps, check.

And, since being off the pill, nausea is also one of my PMS symptoms.

So yay.

So every month, I start hoping.. And symptom spotting. Which is annoying.

And, today, the day my period is going to show, I keep wondering if every twinge is the start…

Maybe I need to talk to someone about my obsessive personality, because I’m not sure this is healthy.

A choice

I’ve been reading ‘Two is Enough: A Couple’s Guide to Living Childless by Choice’ by Laura Scott.

Even though we’re already trying to have a baby – I thought I’d read about why people would choose not to have one.  There were many different reasons people made the choice to not become parents – and some of them do appeal to me.  Does that mean I made the wrong decision?

This is not something that I can take back – and I’m terrified.

But I also think it’s absolutely normal to be terrified when making such a huge decision.

I want a child.  I do.  But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t scare the crap out of me.

I know my life is going to change forever – and I can’t wait – but I’m also a little sad.  Especially on lazy mornings spent in bed, or low key evenings vegging out in front of the television.  But, I still want a baby.

Am I nuts?

Or is it normal?

One of the people surveyed in the book talked about the ‘puppy test’.  Basically, get a puppy – and if you still want to have a kid – then have a baby.  We did that.  And I still want a baby.

But is it a case of wanting what I don’t have?

I don’t think so.. but who knows if I’m just fooling myself.

There’s no ‘supposed to’

English: Silhouette or a pregnant woman and her partner. The woman is in advanced pregnancy at about 39 wks gestation. The flickr photographer reports that this is an edited image. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last night, I made a passing attempt at seducing my husband.

Honestly, I knew it wouldn’t work.  He’s still getting over his crazy cold – which means he’s not sleeping well, so after a 9.5 hour workday, a little shopping and driving out to buy more fish stuff, he was exhausted.

So, yes, it didn’t work – which is fine.

I can take a little rejection here and there.

A few minutes later, he paused the show and asked me if it was a day we were ‘supposed to’ because if it was, then we definitely could.

And, I have to say I loved him for being willing – especially since when we first got married, kids were not going to be part of the equation.

But, it also kind of stung.

Even though I know that the average couple takes 6 months to get pregnant, I naively thought that we’d decide and we’d be pregnant soon after.  Even after the miscarriage – I figured if we could get pregnant while I was on the pill – what would be so hard about getting pregnant when we were actively trying.

I don’t want sex to be a chore.  Something that has to be done.  Something that is planned.

Right now, baby making should be all about the fun.

Which would be easy if I didn’t have an obsessive personality and if I could keep myself from tracking days…We haven’t been trying for very long and I’m already being ridiculous…

But, on the other hand, I don’t want to get caught up in the day-to-day craziness of life and miss the window of opportunity for the month.

Uggh.. Guess I can’t have it both ways.

always my baby

Sometimes the hardest part is the not knowing — the not knowing whether to refer to the baby as a he or a she… being forced to use the despised ‘it’.

There are moments when I can live with the not knowing if the baby would have had brown eyes like mommy and daddy – or somehow inherited grandma’s green eyes…if the baby’s hair would be curly – or defied all odds and be stick straight.

But not knowing the basic fact of whether it was a boy or a girl – that feels unbearable.

Oftentimes I refer to it as ‘her’.  But sometimes, I think of ‘him’ – a little golden-haired baby – a precocious toddler.  It’s the boy I can imagine more – I picture a mirror image of his daddy – the pictures I have of my husband as a baby or toddler fueling my imagination.

The baby  would be two this year.  Two.  Not a baby anymore.  A child – toddler – running around asking why a million times a day…

My life would have been drastically different.

The other hard part – that while I wish with everything I have that I could have that baby – I also am glad we had more time as a couple.  We would have loved the baby – but two years ago we weren’t ready – it would have been more difficult – a strain.

And, how horrible is that… to be glad of that?  It’s as if I’m saying I’m glad that baby was never born.  The baby I try so hard to picture – but whose face eludes me.  The baby I never knew – and yet miss all the time.

The baby that now will always be a baby to me.. Never a toddler, child or teenager… just a faceless, nameless baby.

But still my baby.