Back to basics

Last month was the first month we threw the Shettles method out the window. I feel like I gave it a fair try – 5 or 6 months. With no success. I gave AMP fair warning, that if we weren’t pregnant by December, then I was done with the Shettles method, and we’d go to good ol’ fashioned way of getting pregnant – not worrying about boy or girl. I think it’s easier for me than AMP. While I would love to have a girl, eventually, I’m thrilled with the idea of having a little boy. After my sister had her little boy, my anxieties about having a boy melted away. And, frankly, in comparison to my niece, my nephew is EASY.

And, I figure, we’re planning on having more than one anyways, so who cares if the first is a boy and not a girl (other than AMP – he obviously cares just a little).

January was our first month of ‘back to basics’ – and no success. And I took it surprisingly well.

This month we’re trying to not miss any ‘important’ days – so we’ll see how it goes. I would really like to be pregnant this month.. It would be an amazing anniversary present…

But, of course, it’s out of my control. All I can do is hope and pray…

Hypothetical

If you’ve been hanging out here a while, you know that I tend to obsess and worry about things long before it’s necessary for me to do so.  Which leads me to spending a lot of wasted time thinking up hypothetical scenarios that often don’t ever end up happening.

But, it’s what I do.

Which is why, even though I’m not yet pregnant, I’m already worrying and trying to decide on when I’m going to spill the beans.

Doesn’t help that AMP and I have different views on the matter.

I want to share the news with my immediate family and closest friends right away.  These are the people who know about my miscarriage – and the people I would tell if I miscarried again. 

I know that if I miscarry again – this time it’ll devastate me.  It hurt so much the first time and I didn’t even really realize I was pregnant – imagine this time, when we’ve been trying and waiting.  I’ll make it through – but it’ll be oh so hard. 

But, should I let that fear keep me from sharing my news?

Also, I don’t want to be ‘found out’ and miss out on surprising people my way.  I have all these plans in my head on how to tell my parents and my siblings – and I don’t want it ruined by them guessing before I tell them.

With other people – I think I’d try to wait to as close to 12 weeks – mostly for AMP’s sake… Because I know he’d rather we wait.  But, I think after waiting so long to try and then trying for 6+ months, that it’ll be hard for me to keep it to myself.

I know it’s silly – but I think about these things.. and maybe obsess about it.
When did you share your news with family and friends?  How did you do it?

2013

When we got married in 2008, I thought I’d be ok with not having any kids.  Less than a year later, I already knew that I had been fooling myself.

Poor AMP was actually quite supportive – considering I’d changed everything.  He said, maybe in 2013 – the year we celebrate 5 years married.

I thought that was a ridiculously long time away.  I thought I could convince him to maybe change his timeline.. Which I guess I did, because he agreed to start trying in April of 2012 for a January 2013 baby.. But, now we are at 2013 and we’re still trying.. So maybe this is the year we’re supposed to get pregnant.. :) 

So, here’s to hoping that 2013 is our year.. the year we celebrate five years, the year we welcome a baby into our family.. And a year of health and happiness. :)

 

 

eerily similar

You don’t ever think about it till you’re trying to get pregnant – but did you realize that the signs for pregnancy and the signs your period are starting are basically the same?

Bloating, check.
Acne, check.
Swollen and tender breasts, check.
Fatigue and tiredness, check.
Headaches, check.
Food cravings, check.
Cramps, check.

And, since being off the pill, nausea is also one of my PMS symptoms.

So yay.

So every month, I start hoping.. And symptom spotting. Which is annoying.

And, today, the day my period is going to show, I keep wondering if every twinge is the start…

Maybe I need to talk to someone about my obsessive personality, because I’m not sure this is healthy.

There’s no ‘supposed to’

English: Silhouette or a pregnant woman and her partner. The woman is in advanced pregnancy at about 39 wks gestation. The flickr photographer reports that this is an edited image. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last night, I made a passing attempt at seducing my husband.

Honestly, I knew it wouldn’t work.  He’s still getting over his crazy cold – which means he’s not sleeping well, so after a 9.5 hour workday, a little shopping and driving out to buy more fish stuff, he was exhausted.

So, yes, it didn’t work – which is fine.

I can take a little rejection here and there.

A few minutes later, he paused the show and asked me if it was a day we were ‘supposed to’ because if it was, then we definitely could.

And, I have to say I loved him for being willing – especially since when we first got married, kids were not going to be part of the equation.

But, it also kind of stung.

Even though I know that the average couple takes 6 months to get pregnant, I naively thought that we’d decide and we’d be pregnant soon after.  Even after the miscarriage – I figured if we could get pregnant while I was on the pill – what would be so hard about getting pregnant when we were actively trying.

I don’t want sex to be a chore.  Something that has to be done.  Something that is planned.

Right now, baby making should be all about the fun.

Which would be easy if I didn’t have an obsessive personality and if I could keep myself from tracking days…We haven’t been trying for very long and I’m already being ridiculous…

But, on the other hand, I don’t want to get caught up in the day-to-day craziness of life and miss the window of opportunity for the month.

Uggh.. Guess I can’t have it both ways.

Pity Party

I threw myself my own personal private pity party on Sunday.. When my period decided to let me in on the news that I’m indeed not pregnant this month.

The pity party involved chocolate and burgers and kleenex and books and forcing my dog to cuddle with me while I cried…

Sunday was a great day.

AMP was understanding – in the way that he is… The ‘you shouldn’t feel sad because we’ll try next month and it’s no big deal’ until I shot him a death look and he revised his statement to ‘I’m sorry – you’re right to be sad – what kind of burgers and chocolate do you want?’

And, then this morning, I signed into my personal Facebook account and at the top of the screen one of my Facebook friends announced her surprise pregnancy – and how they weren`t even trying and they are due in June.. and blah blah blah..

The thing is, I`m completely aware of how ridiculous I`m being.  We haven`t been trying that long… It`ll happen.. I know all that.. But I`m done waiting for this.  I want it to happen now. 

And the stupid pity party totally set me back on my eating right and losing weight progress.. So that made me even more mad..

I`ll come back when I`m in a better mood..

 

Where my plan of positivity crashes…

Patience (Photo credit: AngSocialMed)

I sounded so positive the other day.All about how it’s no big deal to wait.  As if I haven’t been tracking my period and fertile days, and researching everything related to getting pregnant.   As if I’m completely relaxed about this whole process.  As if I don’t care if it takes months to conceive.

I’m full of it.

I want to be pregnant now.

I want to be round and feel my baby move inside me.

I want.

And it seems like this is harder than it should be. 

Everyone everywhere tells you to relax.  Don’t stress about it.  It’ll happen.

Which is all fine.. in theory.

But, waiting has never been my strong suit.

And with trying to conceive there’s so much waiting.

There’s waiting for your period to end.. then waiting for your fertile days.. then the dreaded two weeks of waiting for your period not to show.  The disappointment of it showing and then you start waiting again…  And it can go on for months.

I shouldn’t complain.

I’m only in month 2.  And, it takes the average couple 6 months. 

But, it’s just so much waiting.

November

Only two months left in 2012… And, things aren’t quite as I pictured them.

I really thought I’d be halfway through a pregnancy by this time.  And that we’d have more debt paid off.  And, that we would have made progress in moving. 

But, we’re not.

And, really that’s ok.

As much as I would have loved to be pregnant already – the more we wait, the more time we have to enjoy just the two of us.  We got to enjoy our New York trip with no pregnancy related issues.  And, I get to soak up lots and lots of 9+ hrs of sleep a night.

The debt will come.  Slowly, but it will.  And, the same with the house.  No sense wasting time and energy worrying about all that stuff.

Just enjoy one day at a time.

 

Fear

Fear & Anticipation (Photo credit: hartlandmartin)

Terrified is not even big enough to describe how I feel…

This was our first official month of trying – and odds are its a no go.. With visiting relatives and sleeping on a squeaky mattress during the ‘it’ week, we definitely didn’t come close to the right days.  But, that’s ok.. Right? 

I’m torn between being completely impatient one second, and the other minute willing to wait as long as it takes. 

I used to able to picture myself pregnant.. with a baby.. with a toddler.

Now, I can’t.  I’m too scared.. scared of not getting pregnant.. and scared of getting pregnant.. Scared of another miscarriage.  Scared of how life will change.

They say a certain amount of fear is healthy… right?

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