Positivity :)

Image representing Google Reader as depicted i...

Image via CrunchBase

A month or two ago, I was bombarded with pregnancy announcements.  In the space of a few weeks, half a dozen bloggers I followed announced pregnancies, and a few other announced intentions to start trying to conceive.  Never mind people in my real life.

Because patience (and envy) are something I constantly battle, I told AMP that if one more person in my Google Reader feed announced a pregnancy I was going to quit the blogging world.

His response: he rolled his eyes and tried to explain to me that the odds of announced pregnancies is high when my Google Reader has almost 90 blogs written by women.  (I so hate it when he’s right.)

Nothing more was said on the matter.

Then yesterday I mentioned to him that Amber (who was one of my first blogging friends), just announced she is 6 weeks pregnant, and he asked me if I was quitting blogging.

And, I said no.

First of all, I’m beyond thrilled for Amber.  She has had a difficult time in the past year, suffering multiple miscarriages.  And, she is a wonderful mommy to two gorgeous kids.  And, she is just plain awesome.  I’m so happy for her and I’m praying that this pregnancy will end in tears of happiness, with another beautiful little bundle of joy.

And, I’m ok with other people being pregnant and I’m not.  Perhaps it’s a temporary feeling – but I sure hope not.

My time will come.  It will… and if it doesn’t, I will deal with it then.

But, right now, it’s all about enjoying the moments.  Enjoying my free time.  How my house stays clean for more than a day (sometimes).  How I can go back to bed if I want to.  How I can have eight (or nine or ten) uninterrupted hours of sleep…

Which brings me to a new feature I would like to try here – Enjoying Two.  Every week, I’ll focus on positivity and the benefits to being childfree a little longer.  :)   This feature is mostly for my own benefits – to keep me positive and patient… but I’d love some insight from my mommy friends on what I should enjoy now that I won’t have any more when I begin my own journey to motherhood.


A Monster…

I do not want to feel this way.  I hate myself for it.

I often wonder – what kind of person am I, to be sad for myself when I should be happy for others?

But the jealousy claws at me.  It shreds my insides trying to get out, trying to show itself behind the mask of a smile and the cheerful congratulations. 

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

The jealousy is a monster.  A stupid green-eyed little monster that crouches inside me at all times, waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce and be released.

And, he is getting stronger.

With every announced pregnancy, he gains strength against me. I constantly battle him – my insides are raw from his battle to burst forth unwelcome.

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

My husband asks, “What can I do to make you happy?  You are always so sad.”

But I am happy.   I am.  I am blessed – with a wonderful husband, a great family, friends I can count on, a good job, a beautiful home.  I am happy.

But there are moments when the jealousy peeks out.  He finds a foothold to climb out. 

I want just one more thing.  Something I’ve been promised – but have been asked to wait a little longer for…

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

Patience has never been a strong suit of mine, but I am willing to wait for this one thing.  This child of mine who will come when he or she is ready – when we are ready… I can wait. 

The jealousy taunts me – ‘You are a fool,” he says.  “You cannot wait.”

”I can wait – I can enjoy the moments now,” I scream back.

But he is clawing at me, taunting me.  And, his ugly head peeks out again – and my smile fades and tears roll down my cheeks.

I do not want to feel this way.

But I do.

This post is inspired by The Red Dress Club promt: Write about jealousy… Ending my self-imposed silence on the subject. Hop over to read some wonderful posts…

And, as always, constructive critisicm is welcome.. :)

A new theme…

We are 6 days in to the new year, and Mama Kat’s asking, what word encompasses 2010 – and what is your theme for 2011.

For me, 2010 was all about jealousy, longing and sadness.  To be honest, I wasn’t a big fan of 2010.  In a word, if I were to have to describe it in one word it would be frustrating.  Between the miscarriage, the ever-present baby fever, family illnesses and deaths, having the brother-in-law live with us, and a whole host of other things I didn’t even blog about, this past year was definitely challenging. 

But, 2011 is not to going to be that way.  This year is my year.  It is my year to be a better me, to learn contentment, to be healthy.  2011’s theme is Happiness.  I will be happy – for others and myself.  I will not allow jealousy to consume me.  That is not to say, I won’t feel the occasional twinge – otherwise, I would have already failed this year – but I will not allow it to define me, or my year.

Speaking of, I’m so excited about my future niece or nephew to be born – I’m hoping for a nephew – I already have two nieces, so a cute little boy would be nice.  I’m not sure I can wait the next few months to find out what it is, never mind wait for it to be born! 

Guilt & Jealousy & Happiness & Thank Yous

In nine very short days we will have reached the end of 2010 and the beginning of 2011.  I can’t believe how fast this year has flown by – and what a hard year it’s been.  I’ve really struggled this year – emotionally.  The other night, I asked AMP if I could just hibernate for a while – hide away from everyone and everything – pretend we’re away on vacation if anyone comes looking.  I’m not sure he’s going for it.

I think I’ve overwhelmed him.  On the weekend, I broke down and confessed all my frustrations with him – the worry about the debt, my feelings of inadequacy in many areas of life, my obsession with having a baby – everything.  I’d been bottling it up because I didn’t want to make him feel bad, or guilty, about not being able to give me what I want right now.  But, I reached a breaking point, and it all came tumbling out.  And, I felt better momentarily, but sure enough, the feelings of guilt surrounded me. 

And, this was even before Principessa told me she’s pregnant. 

I read an article a little while ago that claimed that we can’t ever truly be happy for other people because human nature dictates that if someone is doing better than us, we will become jealous.  Being the reluctant owner of a jealous personality – I thought maybe it’s true.  But, I realized it’s not.  I’m truly happy for Principessa and all my other friends, blogging and real-life who are expecting or are planning on starting to try or have welcomed a little one in their lives.  I am happy for them.  I am excited to meet my new little niece or nephew – to watch how Mini-Principessa adapts to being a big sister…

My desire to have that for myself (I was looking for a nicer way of saying jealousy!), doesn’t negate my happiness for others.  I am still happy for them.  I am just sad for me. 

I’m not sure if that even makes any sense…

But, I am truly grateful for this little space in the blogesphere where I can come to laugh or cry – where I’ve found a group of supportive women who write words that make me smile when I am down.

Next year, I promise to try and be more upbeat – but in the meantime, I wanted to thank all of you who come by and read my thoughts and take a moment to let me know I’m not alone and that you care.  I’m not sure what I would do without your encouragement.

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday.

If I could do it over again…

Two of this week’s prompts made me laugh out loud… so fitting to think about the past, what with my ex-boyfriend and his wife in town, and my being thrown in their path at every opporutunity (it’s a long story!)

I’m one of those goodie girls – not sure if I’m proud of it.  On the one hand, I like the fact that I’ve only kissed two guys, one of whom I married.  On the other hand, perhaps if I drowned it out with a few more guys here and there, it wouldn’t be such an exclusive club – one member which I’d like to permanently erase from the club’s history. (Or, maybe, waited longer was an option – and have made it a definite club of 1).

Aren’t first boyfriends supposed to be thought of fondly?  You know, with that starry-eyed, nostalgic gaze into the past?

I look at my first boyfriend – and I can’t help but wonder, ‘What the hell was I thinking?’

Dont’ get me wrong – he’s not horrible or anything.  Nor did he do anything unforgivable… He had faults, but so did I.  But, when I look at him now, I am so relieved that I made the choice to break up with him.  I only wish that I’d never made the choice to date him in the first place. 

I wish I’d shared my first ever kiss with AMP.  I wish he’d been the first one I’d said ‘I love you’ to.  It doesn’t matter that I was a delusional 19 year old the first time – I can never change that I uttered those words to someone else, someone who I clearly didn’t really love, someone who now is forever a part of my history.

AMP and I were talking the other day about his past… while we were each other’s firsts, he wasn’t exactly an angel in the make-out department… his list far outnumbers mine.  My being a naturally curious, and somewhat on the jealous side, tried to wrest some details, but AMP said something that made me stop and think… He said, “I don’t want to relive the memories of the past, I’d rather think of you, and the memories I have with you.”

Isn’t he cute?  Tidy way to get me to stop bugging him, but he has a good point – why focus on the past?  Why focus on what we can’t change – even if we wish for it more than anything?

Perhaps if I could go back now, knowing how my life would end up, I would have never made the decision to date my ex… But, what good does thinking about that now? 

I am happy.  I have an amazing husband.  I’ve made the best decision about who to spend the rest of my  life with – so when the ex’s wife and mother sneak in their snide comments about how ‘oh-so-wonderful’ the ex is… I can smile and know that as wonderful as he may now be, I still married the right man.

This post inspired by prompt no. 1 at Mama Kat’s

The Road Not Taken…

I’m content with how my life is.  I have a wonderful, amazing, loving husband.  I live in a beautiful house.  I have a good job.  I have family and friends close by.

But Mama Kat asked, ‘What would you change about your life if you could?’

I’m tempted to say ‘Nothing.’  After all, every step I took, every road, led to the wonderful life I have now.  But…if I could pick one thing – only one – and it wouldn’t change the outcome of my life, wouldn’t chaneg meeting AMP and falling in love and getting married…

I would want to have moved out before I got married.  I would have traveled.  I would have learned to be more domestic while I was single – so that it wouldn’t have been such a culture shock when I got married.

That sounds like more than one thing.  Good thing I’m free to contradict myself as much as I want.

I don’t regret my choices.  I love my life.  But, I can see the good that comes from being on your own for a bit – learning to budget better, with money and with time.  To be more organized.  To have traveled alone and with friends, seen new places when I didn’t have a mortgage to pay.  To have other experiences to draw on.

But… Now I get to experience those things with AMP.  We can travel together to places near and far.  I get to spend each day waking up next to a husband who loves me more than anything, who has made sacrifices so that I can have the things I desire…

So, if I had to choose to have moved out or traveled but would have to give up meeting AMP?  Well, then I’m glad I never did those things, because I will always choose my life with AMP over any other road or adventure I may have taken.